SECOND PAGE ON RELIGION JOKES
G: I'm getting bored up here, any ideas Pete?
P: How about a holiday - it's nice on Saturn at the moment.
G: No .. too much gravity; too much stomping around.
P: How about somewhere lighter - Mercury?
G: No .. too hot.
P: Somewhere in between - Earth?
G: No .. terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago and had an affair with a Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it!
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
St. Peter saw Jesus coming and said "Oh, thank goodness someone showed up! Listen, Jesus, there's a huge line of people out here, and I'm going bats trying to keep them all sorted out. Could you take over for a few minutes so I can take a break? I'd be ever so grateful!"
Jesus said that sure, it'd be fine with him to be in charge for a while, but he really wasn't sure what kind of stuff he should check for. St. Peter told him, "Hey, it's easy. A lot of them are already written down on the invitation list. Just make small talk with them while you look for their names. If they're not on the list, just tell them you're not the one normally in charge, so if they wait a bit, I'll deal with them when I get back."
So St. Peter left for a while, and Jesus handled the line of people, looking up their names and generally yakking it up with the folks waiting to get in. Eventually the line got to this one little old man. Jesus started talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living when you were alive?"
"I was a carpenter," the old man replied.
Jesus's ears pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have a wife or any children?"
"I had one son, but I lost him."
Jesus started to suspect something was up with this little old man, and decided to ask another question. "Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell me, what did he look like?"
"Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I guess, except he had holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus grinned broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "DAD!"
The old man gasped. "PINOCCHIO!"
A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother
Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.
"Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then."
Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked.
"I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"
"Yes."
"Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question.
She says nothing, but drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair every time
Confession
A nun goes to her first confession . She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.
Harley Davidson dies and goes to Heaven, of course. One day, he finds himself talking to God. God says, "You know Harley, I really liked your bikes. There was only one thing wrong with them, though; the inlet was too close to the exhaust." Harley replied, "I know, I couldn't find any way around that. I noticed you had the same problem when you created women; with the inlet being too close to the exhaust." God gets a little angry and responds, "Maybe so, but more people rode my model than yours."
Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." says the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the wind shield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says the second. Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts the first nun. “Show him your cross," says the second.
So she winds the window down and shouts as LOUD AS SHE CAN.....
"GET OFF THE FUCKING HOOD!!"
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
THE HOUSEKEEPER
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
ADAM & EVE
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said,
"Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
THE ORIGIN OF MAN's SEX LIFE
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
THE THREE QUESTIONS
Three nuns were driving to church in a car. Suddenly, the driver, ran off the cliff and all three nuns died. When they got up to heaven, they were surprised to see St. Peter greeting people at the gate. The nuns got at the end of the line.
Every once and a while, people from the very front of the line would walk back and leave. This made the nuns curious. Finally, about two hours later, they reached the gate. The first nun asked St. Peter why people would leave.
"Well", said St. Peter, "heaven is getting really full and to enter, you must answer a question correctly"
"Ok. What is my question then", asked the first nun.
"Who was the first man on earth?"
"Oh, that is easy," said the nun, "Adam was the first man on earth."
"Very good, you may now go on to heaven"
"OK Peter, what is my question?" said the next nun.
"Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Eve was the first woman on earth" she said.
"OK, are you ready for you question?" St. Peter asked the third nun.
"Yes I am" she replied.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
"That is a hard one" the third nun replied.
"You may now go on to heaven" St. Peter replied.
HOLIER THAN THOU
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly, there is some jostling in the line, and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
These two brothers die and one goes to heaven and the other to hell. After a while the brother in hell missed the other brother.. He asked Lucifer for a two day pass to go to heaven to see his brother. Lucifer told him he must be nuts ... this is hell ... you aren't going anywhere. The brother in Heaven asked St. Peter for permission to go see his brother. Within several minutes he was there. Stepping off the elevator he was in amazement ... it was like a tropical island ... palm trees, blue water, sandy beaches and naked women, lots of naked women. In amazement he says to his brother ... this is hell? His brother replied ... yea want a beer? All this and beer too? After getting the can of beer the brother from heaven keeps turning the can over and looking ... something is wrong here ... there isn't any hole in my can of beer ...
With that the brother from hell answered ... there aren't any holes in the women either ... why do you think they call it hell?!
The Gate to Heaven
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
The Pope And The Crossword
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept.
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."
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