PAGE 2 OF ANIMAL JOKES
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny.
He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going.
" Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, is in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But, ya screw one sheep . . . "
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the ground clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "That's ok, you can keep the egg."
An Eskimo decides to go ice fishing one day. He makes a lunch, grabs his fishing pole, jumps on his snowmobile and heads off across the ice. He travels quite a ways when suddenly his snowmobile stops running. He gets off, looks at the snowmobile knowing he's not a mechanic and won't be able to fix it, so he decides to eat his lunch while he waits for someone to come along to help him.
Sure enough, along comes another Eskimo on a snowmobile. The second Eskimo stops, gets off his snowmobile, looks at the disabled snowmobile and looks at the first Eskimo and asks, "So, did you blow a seal?" "No", says the first Eskimo, wiping the corners of his mouth, "that's mayonnaise from my sandwich!"
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore either by swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They are going to shore-Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
There is a Texan guy and a Utahan and they are out horseback riding along a fence and they go on and on for miles and then they stumble across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
The Texan jumps off his horse and starts getting the sheep up the ass, after about 5 minutes the Texan yells at the Utahan and says "Don't you want some of this." and the
Utahan jumps off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
A hunter is walking through the woods when he sees a big bear, he is about
30 feet away and he gets the bear in his sights, he can't miss, the bear
hasn't spotted him, he pulls the trigger and there is a massive bang and a
great cloud of smoke. When the smoke clears the bear has vanished, the
hunter is very puzzled, he then gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns round
and the bear is standing there looking at him and he doesn't look to happy.
The bear then grabs the hunter pulls down his trousers and shags him and
walks off. The hunter eventually manages to get himself together, pulls his
trousers up and is now very annoyed. He gets his gun and off again he goes
looking for the bear, he sees the bear and decides to get closer, he is now
only 20 feet away, BANG, his gun goes off, the smoke clears, again the bear
has vanished. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, the hunter turns round
and there he is again, standing over him, the bear then again removes the
hunters trousers and shags him and walks off. The hunter is now furious, he
again gets himself together, grabs his gun and goes off to search for the
bear. Well this went on several more times, each time the bear would
disappear, the hunter would feel a tap on the shoulder, there would be the
bear, the bear would then shag the hunter and walk off. The hunter who by
now is just barely capable of walking and extremely annoyed tries once
again. He turns round a corner and there he is, face to face with the bear,
he can't miss, pulls the trigger, BANG, the smoke clears, again the bear has
vanished. He then shudders when he feels another tap on his shoulder, he
turns round, looks up at the bear, the bear looks down at him and says,
"You're not just here for the hunting are you!!!!"
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged three ducks. The warden, who's a stickler for the rules, decided to enforce the hunting permit so he stopped the hunter, flashed
his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill ?" The hunter shrugged his shoulders and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took
one of the ducks, inserted his finger into its rectum, then pulled it out and sniffed it. "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license ?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger into its rectum, then pulled it out
and sniffed it. "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license ?" The hunter, a bit peeved, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third
duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license ?"
Once again, the angered hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these
licenses... Where the heck are you from anyway ?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You seem to be so damned smart... why don't you tell me !"
Three brides of Dracula go into a pub. The first asks the barman for a pint of blood. The barman apologizes, saying that they don't
stock blood. The vampiress doesn't like this reply and tells the barman that if he doesn't serve her what she wants, she will bite him and turn him into a vampire. At
this he says that he'll see what he can do and goes next door to the black pudding factory and purchases a barrel of blood, and serves the lady. The second vampire goes up and asks for a pint of blood, and the barman duly serves her and she goes back to her seat. Finally the third bride of Dracula goes up and asks the barman for a pint of boiling water, the barman astonished enquires if she is sure that is what she wants, she
tells him not to argue, and he duly serves her. She goes back to her seat, and the other two look at her and ask why a
respectable vamp should order hot water at a bar. She then proceeds to drop her knickers, and pulling out her tampax, dips
it in the water and says, "Haven't you ever heard of teabags!"
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with
straps.As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the
pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He suggests she pucker her lips,
wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more
excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she
let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the
bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the
gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have
a headache."
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started southward. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But then the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping sparrow and promptly ate him. THE MORAL OF THE STORY 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!
Three bulls were grumbling about the expected arrival of a fourth one. The first bull raged that he had been on the farm for 20 years and had 20 cows and wasn't going to
give up a single cow to the newcomer. The second bull, with 10 cows, insisted he wasn't giving up any of his, and the third bull, with five cows, wasn't about to budge, either. The next day,
a truck pulled up and the farmer led out the biggest blackest, meanest bull the others had ever seen. "Well," said the first bull, "I guess 20 cows are a bit of a strain. He
can have some of mine." "Ten are too much for me, too," said the second. The third bull, however, stood kicking up dirt and snorting. The two others looked at him as if hem
had gone stark staring mad. "Look, five cows aren't worth getting beaten up for," said one of the others. "To hell with the bloody cows," the third snorted. "I just
want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for. The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me down". All the dogs agree that this is a great shame. The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. " Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I should be put down so that I don't cause any more accidents". The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story. "Well, my owner had just had a bath" he says "she was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and had my way with her". "So are you here to be put down as well then?" asked the Poodle. "No" came the reply, "I'm getting my nails trimmed
