MY COLLECTION OF JOKES ABOUT COMPUTERS AND THINGS RELATED TO COMPUTERS.
Saint Peter said, "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your backside and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here! Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault-tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
Saint Peter said, "Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Saint Peter and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed.
"What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Saint Peter.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Saint Peter. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ... GO TO HELL!"
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!
"There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go."
Not on his mind while developing Win9X..circa 1981... "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
On the solid code base of Win9X... thanks WPW! "If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."
from "OS/2 Programmer's Guide" (forward by Bill Gates):
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs."
Bill Gates, Free Market and the LA Times Thanks GC! "There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft"
From the back of an old Digitalk Smalltalk/V PM manual, 1990: "This is the right way to develop applications for OS/2 PM. OS/2 PM is a tremendously rich environment, which makes it inherently complex. Smalltalk/V PM removes that complexity and lets you concentrate on writing great programs. Smalltalk/V PM is the kind of tool that will make OS/2 the successor to MS/DOS".
from "OS/2 Notebook", Microsoft Press, (c) 1990--an excerpt from an interview with Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino, p. 614:
Developer: Does the announcement [of the OS/2 joint development agreement between IBM and Microsoft] mean that Microsoft is curtailing any plans for future development of Windows?
Gates: Microsoft has not changed any of its plans for Windows. It is obvious that we will not include things like threads and preemptive multitasking in Windows. By the time we added that, you would have OS/2.
There's a reason they threw it away... from "Programmers at Work" by Microsoft Press, interview with Bill (found on comp.os.os2.advocacy),
Interviewer: Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?
Gates: No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system.
Only the finest Microsoft marketing! (submitted by BarryB): "If you don't know what you need Windows NT for, you don't need it."
On the Box of Windows 2.11 for 286 (submitted by GLDM) "New interface closely resembles Presentation Manager, preparing you for the wonders of OS/2!"
On code stability, from Focus Magazine (submitted by Benedikt Heinen) Microsoft programs are generally bug-free. If you visit the Microsoft hotline, you'll literally have to wait weeks if not months until someone calls in with a bug in one of our programs. 99.99% of calls turn out to be user mistakes.
[...]
I know not a single less irrelevant reason for an update than bugfixes. The reasons for updates are to present more new features.
Unconfirmed quotes:
Microsoft's GUI innovations... 1983 (thanks E.R.) "Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of work another company could come along and copy your work and market it under it's own name...without legal restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art."
Even more 1984 predictions (thanks Scott Renyen) "The next generation of interesting software will be made on a Macintosh, not an IBM PC."
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer -- and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway....
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
7. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up ___
B. Frozen ___
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you ? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
27 Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
The 10 DOS Commandments
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1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
9. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
If Operating Systems Were Beers
The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it. |
If Operating Systems Were Cars
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Calling me with a question - $10
Calling me with a stupid question - $30
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50
Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50
Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem after I fix it once - $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $25/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $170/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm currently working on it- $270/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $175/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr
If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr
If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr
Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00
Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00
Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - $35.00
Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00
Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transceiver back in - $375.00
Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50
Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10
Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500
Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25
Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50
Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program
Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not)
Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy
Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200
Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50
Spending 30 minutes trying to figureout what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40
Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)
Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25
Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45
Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55
Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15
If I wrote the sign - $45
If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75
Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00
Reporting it more than once - $50.00
Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00
Beeper Prices:
Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $150
Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $200
Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200
Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep
Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $55
Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $50
Special Rates:
Dealing with user body odour - $175.00/hour
Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $150.00/hour
Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour
Dealing with computer hobbyists - $500.00/hour
Questioning the other prices - $50
Programming Languages Are Like WomenThere are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand, most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women. Assembler: A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort. FORTRAN: Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife. COBOL: A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes. BASIC: The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal. PL/I: A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change. C: A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character. ALGOL 60: Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking. Pascal: A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module). Modula II: A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot. ALGOL 68: Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower. LISP: She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH: Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency. APL: A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing. LOGO: A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals. LUCID and PROLOG: These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature. Ada: A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.
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472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
9. She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, ouh-pleeez!" 256 times during the movie, The Net.
4. Massive 401 k contributions made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overheard, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
And the number one sign that your coworker is a computer hacker:
1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor-I-Don't-Give-A's- In-Computer-Science."
You have two or more Internet Service Providers.
You disdain people who use low baud, screen refresh or MHz rates.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You need to fill out a form with a typewriter; but you only know computers with laser printers.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
You think of gadgets as "friends," but forget to send real friends birthday cards.
You have a good copier and a fax, but your toaster turns bread into charcoal.
You use all the Internet terms in conversations without even thinking about it.
You sign cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
And worse: you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever!
The fact that the term "CD" could also refer to finance/music rarely occurs to you.
In a computer store, you answer the customers' questions; the salesperson listens.
You know hundreds of e-mail address and URLs, but not your social security number.
You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with the term "voice number."
You read computer manuals faster than everyone else reads fiction novels.
At computer trade shows you map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.
And finally...
You actually understood all the jokes in this message.
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