I think it was 1997 or so, and I lived in Wilmington NC, with this fucking useless pothead. I had dropped out of college and I lived in the apartment doing nothing. I didn’t have a job or any money. But it was Thanksgiving, and I had no idea what to do. The girl I was dating at the time was driving down to go to her family’s house for Thanksgiving and then latter over to my place. I felt so bad I had no money and couldn’t prepare any kind of celebration for her. So I thought and thought, and finally said “FUCK IT!” I had a friend of mine drive me to all the supermarkets in the area. I had brought with me several plastic bags, from different local supermarkets; I had left over in the closet at my apartment. When we got to a supermarket, I would grab the matching bag; for example when I went into FOODLION I would carry FOODLION bags with me. I stuffed them in my jacket pockets before I went in. Then I grabbed a carriage and like a regular shopper began filling it with traditional Thanksgiving items, such as stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie mix, mash potatoes, wine, green beans, peas, cookies and so on. Then I carefully walked around the store, until I found an aisle where I thought I could escape the view of the cameras. Then, I looked around, and quickly pulled out the plastic bags I had brought in with me, and loaded them with the goods in my carriage. I then grabbed the bags, one in each hand, filled to the brim with holiday goodies and walked right out of the store. I got in the car with my friend and we drove to the next supermarket where I proceeded to do the same thing, this time stealing more items I needed for my Thanksgiving dinner. Again, it worked! I had a whole bunch of food, and all I needed was the final ingredient; the turkey. I remember we were at the last supermarket on the strip before the road lead out to the highway. My friend driving her car asked me “Are you sure you want to do this?” I looked at her, felt the crinkle of the store’s plastic bag in my pocket and replied. Fuck yeah. I jumped out of the car and went in the store. I was nervous as hell, my heart beating rapidly reminding me of this stunt’s danger and also of its ultimate payoff; the unexpected surprise of my girlfriend. Tonight I wasn’t going to be this broke fucker that could never do anything for her. I was going to prepare her the best fucking Thanksgiving dinner she ever had. So I went to the Turkey section, grabbed a nice big turkey and carried it in my arms. This was the last thing I needed so no need for a carriage. I remember walking down the aisle shaking in anticipation of the theft. And without even looking back, I whipped out the plastic bag and shoved the big turkey inside. I figured that no one in the store would ever expect anyone to just stroll in and steal a big fucking turkey. So that’s why I was so nonchalant about this steal, and it fucking paid off. I walked calmly out of the supermarket with a 25 pound turkey, jumped in the car and headed back to my apartment with the makings of feast fit for a king! I even called home to my mother to get details on how to cook the turkey I stole. To complete this scandalous saga of stupidity, the girl I was dating loved my surprise dinner! She was really taken with all the detail that went into the dinner and asked me how I paid for it all. I told her about my major Thanksgiving Day scam. She started laughing and couldn’t believe I had got away with it. I think it turned her on as well, as we fucked right after I explained the story. (I fucked her in the ass too, in honor of the holiday)
