Blackmalice's notes: I finally make use of shu_26 XDDD *hugs and kisses*



Chapter 10: Guilt and Hidden Feelings

Shit. Shit.

Why did Miyabi have to show up?? Moreover, introduced himself to Toshiya in such manner!

What would Toshiya think about it??

Shit!!

Things are so messed up.

He couldn't forget how Toshiya's expression was like when the tall man saw Miyabi kissed him. It was shock, disbelief...

A bit of hurt...

...and disgust...?

Toshiya didn't say anything about that, and Kaoru didn't know what to say about that either.

He couldn't possibly say the truth, that Miyabi was his lover alright. But it was just because Miyabi— Damn it!

His bandmates helped him and talked about other things. It was not long before Toshiya laughed with them again.

But his eyes couldn't lie. His eyes that avoided Kaoru's every single time.

He pressed the quick-dial and listened to the tone. Still no answer. He couldn't contact Toshiya in the past few days. The bassist didn't answer his calls. Didn't reply to his e-mails. Always went home faster than usual from the sushi bar.

"Kaoru?"

He sent an e-mail, saying hi and asked him to answer his call.

"Ah, here you are," Miyabi entered his room, bringing some grocery in a plastic bag. "What do you want to eat today?"

Kaoru stared at his cellphone's screen. Nothing.

"Ne, Kaoru? I bought some of your favorite foods. What do you want me to make you?"

"I don’t want anything." Kaoru finally replied in a gruff voice.

"Why?" Miyabi smiled and put down the bag, sitting beside Kaoru on the bed. "You have to eat something other than junk foods, you know." He circled his arms around Kaoru's neck.

Kaoru quickly slapped his arms away, "You're not my wife."

"But I am your lover, Kaoru." Miyabi pecked him.

Kaoru pushed Miyabi away and stood up, grabbing his wallet and cellphone. Miyabi followed him out of the room and asked, "Where are you going?"

The older man ignored him and put on his shoes.

"Kaoru!" Miyabi pulled one of Kaoru's hand, only to be slapped away once more. "Kaoru!! I love you!"

Kaoru stopped in his track.

It was all his fault.

Miyabi...

What had he done to Miyabi?

He ran out.

************

Die laughed as Shinya blinked and stared at the shapeless thing in his hand. The younger man just sneezed right into his ice-cream and now his face was covered with white and green ice. "Nice move, Shin-chan!"

Shinya's face reddened as he realized people were laughing at him secretly. "I'm gonna clean myself in the bathroom." He muttered.

"Need help?" Die snickered.

"Geez, cut it out already!" Shinya sneered and stomped his way to the bathroom, leaving the confused Die blinking. The red head just wanted to help, but he guessed Shinya took his words hard like usual. The result of his endless mockings.

He couldn't help it, could he? Shinya was just like... asking to be mocked.

He chuckled.

It was kind of a miracle that Shinya agreed to accompany him to the music store. He was bored and his friends were busy and he called Shinya of all people. And the introvert dog-maniac actually agreed to leave his frighteningly tidy house.

Guess boredom does attack everyone.

Something on the corner of his eyes stole his attention and he turned to see a figure walking outside the café. He blinked as he recognized Kaoru, and he instantly realized something was wrong.

Die stood up and rushed to his friend. "Kaoru!"

Kaoru stopped his steps and looked behind. Die widened his eyes when he saw Kaoru's weird expression. He stepped forward, "What's wrong?"

Kaoru shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

"What happened, Kaoru?"

"Nothing," Kaoru answered, then his face turned sour and he spoke again, "...Nothing..."

Die sighed and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "...Still couldn't reach Toshiya?"

Kaoru went silent for a while before he muttered a short 'hn'.

"Have you tried coming to his apartment?"

"I... I don't want to interrupt him..."

"So you don't want to meet him?"

"I do!" Kaoru raised his voice, "I... I just... Gosh, Die! Miya- What have I done?!" He covered his face with his palms.

It was Die's turn to went silent.

He let Kaoru calmed himself down, for he knew he could say nothing. It seems like Kaoru had realize it, his huge mistake.

The huge pain he had and would cause to someone whose just a victim of it all.

The concequences that would take place.

There's nothing good would happen from lies, from taking huge amount of love without returning it sincerely.

"Kaoru."

Kaoru slowly peeled his hands away from his face.

"Why don’t you try coming to the sushi bar again?"

"But I-"

"You know you want to."

"But..."

"Toshiya would be gone if you don't come there soon."

Kaoru looked straight to Die, his eyes asking questions.

Can I?

Do I have the right?

"Go."

You have realized your mistake. That's enough for now.

Die smiled as Kaoru nodded and ran to the other direction, his back disappearing in the crowd quickly. The red head sighed and turned around to go back to the café... then he realized Shinya stood near the entrance, well-hidden in the night's shadow.

"Shin-chan?"

Shinya merely stared at him.

"What?"

"I thought..." Shinya started, "I thought you're on Miyabi's side."

Die blinked, "I don't take sides. I just do what I think was right."

"But you said it was unfair for Miyabi."

The older man closed his eyes for a while. He knew exactly where this is going, "That's for Kaoru and Miyabi to decide. It's their problem."

"Kaoru is our friend."

"That doesn't make us have the right to meddle."

Shinya avoided Die's eyes. Die waited a little bit before walked past Shinya to enter the café and pay the bills. He walked back out and heaved a long sigh at the younger man, "Do you have something else to say?"

"Do you think it's okay?"

"What's okay?"

"To let Kaoru go and have his fun while Miyabi left behind?"

"You mean to let Kaoru go and have his fun with Toshiya?"

Shinya furrowed his eyebrows, "...What?"

"I see you have something more to tell than simply Miyabi's feelings."

"What do you mean?"

Die didn't answer, he walked away instead, in the direction of his apartment, which was the opposite of Shinya's.

"Die, answer me!" Shinya called out.

"See you at practice." Die waved a hand without looking back.

************

Toshiya gathered his things hurriedly. The bar owner noticed his unusual behavior and raised an eyebrow, which only get a forced smile in return. The tall man rushed outside, hoping that tomorrow the bar owner won't question him any further. He rushed outside and nearly ran to the direction of his place. But then...

"Toshiya!" ...the voice of someone he wanted to see the least called him out.

He stopped, knowing that it would seem weird if he ignore the call. He heard running steps and turned around to see Kaoru finally caught up with him. The older man grabbed Toshiya's hand, as if afraid that he would run away, while trying to even his breath.

"I..." Kaoru muttered, "Where have you been?"

"Well... I'm here?" Toshiya let out a nervous laugh following his lame reply.

Kaoru went silent for a while, wondering how to ask things without sounding accusing. "Is your cell phone on?" He asked finally.

"I think it's kinda broken. Some friends had said they couldn't contact me." Lies. Lies. But Toshiya was not a good liar.

And Kaoru was good at reading people.

"Toshiya..." Kaoru stepped closer to the younger man, and felt a pang in his heart when he saw Toshiya stepped back reflexively. "Are you avoiding me?"

"W-what?" Toshiya stuttered, somehow knowing that the question would be asked, yet still unprepared to face it, "What makes you say that?"

"Please... I-" Kaoru fought the urge to hug the man before him as Toshiya looked away, "I don't want us to be like this."

"Like what?" Toshiya suddenly snapped, making Kaoru blinked in a slight shock. The pretty man couldn’t help it. What Kaoru just said had struck something in him.

He felt stupid, for avoiding Kaoru after the meeting with Miyabi in the backstage.

He felt shameful, for being caught avoiding the man like a jealous person.

He felt mad at himself, for actually being jealous.

Therefore, he was mad at Kaoru.

When in truth he has no right to get mad at the kind man.

So Kaoru had a lover.

And what the older man did all these time were purely in the intention of being friends.

Toshiya was the one who thought way too full of himself.

Toshiya himself was the one who jumped into his own conclusions way too fast. He had made himself looked like a total idiot in Kaoru's eyes.

"There's nothing changed," Toshiya said again, faking a smile on his face, "You're reading too much into it."

"But-"

"Come on, Kaoru!" Toshiya patted the side of the other man, "You're acting strange!"

Kaoru hesitated. He could somewhat see that Toshiya was forcing himself so hard to act normally. So hard that Kaoru couldn't bring himself to talk about the subject any further.

"Ne, Kaoru," Toshiya grinned at him, "Stop frowning like an old man!!"

"You-!" Kaoru felt a smile crept to his face, "How dare you!"

He'll let it go... for now.

It was enough if Toshiya would talk to him again.

************
Tbc~
A rather short chapter, but comments are always loved ^^
 

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