Blackmalice’s notes: This chapter is dedicated to tenshinoitami1 because she had been a great beta *hugs*



Chapter 14: Welcome to the band


The live house was filled with people, smoke, and noises. It was obvious that people just wanted the current band to be over soon. It wasn’t that the current band was bad, but the crowd wanted La:sadies. Oh yes, the rumor had spread. It would be Kisaki’s last performance. People heard from other people, and they wanted to confirm whether it was true.

In one corner, Toshiya sighed unenthusiastically. He felt so out of place. Why was he here? What he was doing here?

Kaoru told him to watch their live one more time to decide whether he could trust his future in the band or not. But it wasn’t the problem of the band. It was personal problems… right? So many personal things.

He wasn’t even sure that after watching the live, he could come to a decision.

He could feel his cell phone vibrating. He just had an incoming e-mail.

From: Kaoru
Subject: You’re around, right?

Just wanted to make sure. We’ll be on stage soon. We’re presenting tonight’s live for you. Wouldn’t want you to miss it.

p.s. hope you’ll be on stage with us at the next live.

Before he had a chance to react to the e-mail, suddenly a shadow hovered over him, and he looked upward to who was standing in front of him.

A familiar face greeted his stunned one.

“Hello, Toshiya.”

Toshiya fidgeted uncomfortably under the person’s intense stare. “Miyabi.”

“Oh, you remember me.” Miyabi smiled.

Of course Toshiya remembered. In fact, Miyabi had been standing between him and Kaoru in his mind.

But what’s Miyabi doing here? Well, this was his ex-lover’s live, but Toshiya thought he wouldn’t want to see Kaoru or Toshiya anymore…

“What are you thinking?” Miyabi’s voice shook him out from his train of thoughts.

“Err, nothing.”

“Are you wondering why am I here?”

Toshiya blinked.

“Can’t I come to my ex-lover’s live? You think that if I broke up with him, I’ll disappear from his life? You saw me crying and begging, you think I’ll give him up that easily?”

Toshiya blinked more. He didn’t know what to say to those words. “I… I didn’t…”

“So what do you mean, actually?” Miyabi leaned forward, “You mean I’ll never get him back because he loved you? Feeling high, aren’t you?” The smile on his face didn’t fade, which made him look even more intimidating.

“You’re just lucky that you have the same name, you know. You think he loves you for who you are?” Miyabi stepped closer until their faces nearly touched, “The one he loved was Toshiya. His Toshiya. His childhood friend, no, the band’s childhood friend that died years ago. Once he found a person who looked even more like his Toshiya, he’ll do the same thing to you that he did to me.”

Toshiya stepped back unconsciously and averted his eyes. His heart ached and his mind went jumbled. He could grasp the big idea of what happened between Kaoru and Toshiya, and he knew what might happen, but he wasn’t prepared to be told right in front of his face.

He wanted to trust Kaoru. He really wanted to trust Kaoru.

“You hate that, don’t you?” Miyabi grabbed his chin and turned his face towards the younger man. The smile was still there, but Miyabi’s eyes were so cold that they made him shiver, “But me, I don’t mind. As long as I have him, I don’t mind. That’s why I am the one who deserves him, not you.”

“Toshiya!” A shout from behind the said man made Miyabi stiffen. Once he saw who was calling, he turned away and ran, disappearing into the crowd. On the other hand, Toshiya didn’t move, still a bit shocked from the encounter, until a pair of hands turned him around.

”You didn’t reply to my e-mail, so I came out from backstage looking for you… Are you alright?” Kaoru asked, his eyes searching for any hint of physical wounds. Relieved that he didn’t found any, he caressed Toshiya’s cheek. “That was Miyabi, right?”

Toshiya nodded slightly.

“What did he say to you?”

“What you don’t want him to say to me.” Toshiya’s trembling voice arouse slowly.

Kaoru widened his eyes, not expecting that kind of reply. He could guess what Miyabi had said. He was about to say something, but a loud cheering was heard. The current band was done. He cursed inwardly before turning back to Toshiya.

“I have to go now. You’ll watch us, right?” Don’t let this prevent you.

Toshiya just nodded again, making Kaoru stare at him worriedly. He leaned forward, hesitantly placing a chaste kiss on Toshiya’s cheek. As he pulled backward, he saw a slight blush spread on Toshiya’s face. Kaoru smiled at what he thought was positive reaction from the taller man, “I’ll talk to you later, Toshiya.”

Kaoru gave a last wave and went to the direction of backstage.

On the other hand, the blue haired man was dumbfounded. He didn’t expect that peck. Something fluttered inside him. He was thinking how they both shouldn’t be together, and yet he felt so happy over a little kiss.

It felt so… nice… and warm…

Just then he realized that he hadn’t wish Kaoru a good luck. He considered using e-mails, but then he decided that saying those words directly won’t lose him anything. Beside, Kaoru came to him just now, so he wouldn’t be too far off.

He then walked his way behind the crowd, following the path Kaoru took earlier. Just as he noticed the figure of the guitarist, he realized that Kaoru was talking to someone. He didn’t intend to eavesdrop, but he could hear what they were talking from his place. And the fact that a pillar covered him from being seen was not his responsibility, right?

“…So your bassist will take off, what will you do?” The middle-aged man who was with Kaoru talked with a gruff voice. He didn’t appear to be a normal guest, as he was dressed in a suit and acted somehow cocky and all mighty.

“We already have a plan for that.” Kaoru answered, his voice was dead calm yet firm.

“But still, your band will never make it,” The man blew out smoke and chuckled in an underestimating manner, “You’re too far from mainstream. Change your music or you’ll just never get major.”

Kaoru didn’t waste any time to get shocked, he instead replied right away, having no hesitation in his face, “Our music was simply underrated by shallow-minded producers like you. If you can’t handle our music, then we have no intention to trust our band to you.”

“You—!”

“We’ll make it. Our music will make it.” With that, Kaoru left the fuming producer.

And Toshiya was in awe.

Such confidence and determination.

Such power and persistence.

His heart raced faster.

He wanted to be inside Kaoru’s band. He could see himself inside Kaoru’s band.

To reach for their dreams. With Kaoru as his leader.

For music.

Yes, Toshiya had thought about it.

If in the end, he and Kaoru didn’t belong together, the band would be all that mattered. He should act professional rather than involving personal problems and just let this opportunity go. Wasn’t that was what he told Kaoru?

For the sake of music.

************

“Finally, it’s over.” Kyo growled when he slumped himself down on the couch.

Kaoru sighed as he finished cleaning his make-up. Yes, it was over. La:Sadies was over.

Their last live was smooth. Some fans were crying. Then it was over.

Kisaki had just left the changing room after a cold farewell. The tension was high, yet they didn’t feel like being angry anymore. They just wanted it to be over with. The year they had went through together as a band with Kisaki didn’t seem to matter anymore, and they were sure that Kisaki must’ve felt the same thing.

Now that they think about it, it was bound to happen. In the past, they just needed a bassist. Anyone. It didn’t matter that the bassist didn’t actually have the same vision as them.

So they parted with Kisaki, hence they would walk a different way from today onwards.

“How’s our supposedly new bassist?” Die asked Kaoru, who merely shrugged nervously.

“I’ll go find him and ask—.” Just as Kaoru said that, the man they were talking about appeared in the door.

“From this day on, I’ll be troubling you.”

The four people stared at the bowing Toshiya.

Silence.

“You mean…” Kyo stood up and grinned.

“Please accept me as your bassist.” Toshiya said, still bowing.

The four of them stared at each other, before smiles began to spread. Kyo and Die instantly laughed and ran to Toshiya, welcoming him and hugging him in a friendly manner.

Kaoru couldn’t believe his ears. He felt himself lost at words. He wanted to run out to the stage and screamed that Toshiya had just agreed to be his bassist. He wanted to thank Toshiya, but Die and Kyo were too excited, leaving him no room to approach the pretty man.

“Have you told your bandmates?” Kyo asked.

Toshiya nodded, “They weren’t happy. But then I said that I want to do more, to go major. They were like, unable to stop me.”

“Way to go, Toshiya!” Kyo raised his fist in excitement, “Wait, I should say way to go for us!!” They all laughed at Kyo’s antics… except for Shinya.

“I have to go now.” Shinya suddenly said as he grabbed his bag, making the others turn their heads in a slight surprise.

“What? We haven’t even celebrated yet!” Kyo made a face.

“But I have to go now.” Shinya insisted, not even caring to fake a reason. He then nodded at Toshiya, before going out of the door.

The new member blinked, as he noticed a strange glint in Shinya’s eyes earlier. Was he unwelcomed by the drummer?

“Hey, don’t bother,” A hand patted his shoulder and he turned to Die. The red head was smiling reassuringly. “Sometimes Shinya’s attitude could lead to misunderstandings. But he never meant any harm. He’s a quiet person, and he’s just being shy most of the time.”

“Yeah, Shinya is probably just worried about his little puppy.” Kyo added.

Toshiya forced a smile, though he still felt uneasy.

“I think I’ll follow Shinya.” Die said, grabbing his bag and equipments, “Though he looked calm and composed, he was actually kinda clumsy. Some days ago, he tripped over his own dog and looked like wanting to kill himself.”

Laughter filled the room, diminishing the awkwardness.

Right after Die left, one of the live house’s staff entered the room. “La:Sadies? There’s something you need to do about the equipment. Can one of you come with me?”

Kaoru sighed and glanced at Toshiya. He didn’t want to leave Toshiya yet, but in his instinct as the leader, he stepped forward. Nonetheless, Kyo stopped him, “I’ll go.” He grinned at him, glancing with a you-owe-me stare, which Kaoru replied with I-knew-I-could-count-on-you stare.

Thus, they were left alone.

Another awkwardness suddenly filled the room out of nowhere. They did have other thing yet to be solved. “Um,” Kaoru broke the silence, “Wanna sit?”

A silent nod was all the reply from Toshiya, and so they both sat next to each other on the couch. Another silence followed, and Kaoru felt as if he was going to confess his sin. Well, he was going to confess his sin.

“Uh, Toshiya…” Kaoru started, “So what did Miyabi say to you?”

Toshiya merely stared at him, telling him silently that his answer was still the same from earlier.

What you don’t want him to say to me?

“Did he say something about… Toshiya?”

Toshiya averted his gaze. A sign that Kaoru’s guess was true.

Now it was Kaoru’s turn to explain.

“I didn’t mean to hide it from you. It’s just… I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about it— him.”

“Do you still…” Toshiya left his words hanging in the air.

“I love you.” Kaoru avoided the question yet trying to convince Toshiya at the same time. “Believe me.”

“I want to.”

But.

“But what?”

“Did you love Miyabi?” Toshiya suddenly asked, he couldn’t keep it inside him any longer.

Kaoru blinked, he knew that the question might come. “I didn’t.”

“How could you do that to him?” Toshiya hated himself the moment he said that. He sounded so accusing, judging Kaoru straight away. However, he couldn’t help to worry that what Miyabi said would come true.

What if Kaoru did the same thing to Toshiya, as he did to Miyabi?

“I…” Kaoru licked his lips, feeing a loss of words, “I… What I did was wrong, I know.”

“But you still did it.”

“I can’t stop myself. I…” He paused, worried that his words might drive Toshiya further away from him, “I couldn’t forget Toshiya. He… he was gone so suddenly. I… I was lost.” His heart clenched. No matter what, talking about Toshiya was too painful for him. “Curse me for taking advantage of Miyabi. But do know that I won’t do the same thing to you. I love you.”

“Didn’t you say the same thing to Miyabi?”

“But I know that I lied to him. And now I know too that I don’t lie to you.”

“Isn’t it because I have the same name?”

“At first, I admit, I was attracted to you because you have the same name and face as him.” Kaoru spoke in a low tone. He saw Toshiya’s jaw tightened and he hurriedly added, “But… I got to know you… and I fell in love.”

“You barely know me, Kaoru.” Toshiya whispered tiredly. He had told that fact to Kaoru so many times, but again, like each time, Kaoru insisted that it wouldn’t be a problem.

“I’ll try to know you more and more, if you’ll allow me to. I know I’ll still be in love with you.”

If only you knew… will you still say the same? Toshiya was about to say something, but his cellphone rang. Kaoru stole a glance when Toshiya look at the screen to see who was calling. It was the bar owner.

“Moshi-moshi,” Toshiya spoke and listened, “Yes… I decided to stay and join their band…I’m sorry for troubling you all this time… I know, I’ll take care. You… please take care of yourself.” Toshiya’s eyes watered and he covered his face with one hand.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t you pay back for everything that you’ve done.” His voice turned raspy and some sobs were heard, “I’m not crying. I… thank you for everything. Really… Thank you…”

He wiped his face and widened his eyes, “You wanna talk to Kaoru?” He glanced at Kaoru, whose face was showing confusion. Toshiya handed over his cellphone hesitantly, and Kaoru took it with the same hesitance. “Umm, moshi-moshi?”

“Kaoru-san?” The bar owner’s deep voice reached his ears. “I have this one request… I really hope you’re willing to fulfill it.”

“I’ll do my best.” Kaoru gulped.

“Toshiya…” A pause, “He has this something that he never told anyone. But… I can see that he’s beginning to trust you, so… he might tell you later when he’s ready.”

Kaoru stole a look at Toshiya before slowly nodding, though the bar owner couldn’t see him. Curiosities swelled inside him, but he knew better than to ask for an answer now. Time will tell, at least he hoped so.

“Please take care of him.”

He smiled. He would’ve done so anyway without being asked, “You can count on me.”

Kaoru pressed the red button and handed the cellphone back to Toshiya. “You’re very close with him, aren’t you?”

“He’s like a father to me,” Toshiya smiled weakly, “What did he say?”

“He asked me to take care of you.” Kaoru caressed Toshiya’s hand that just took the cellphone, trying to prolong the contact. He looked up and was surprised when he saw the look on Toshiya’s face.

It was a look filled with shyness, complete with an adorable blush.

Kaoru’s hand intuitively moved up to touch the other man’s face, surprised even more when he saw Toshiya look at him with an indescribable stare. It was a good one, because Kaoru’s heart fluttered when he saw it.

He leaned in slowly, alternating between staring at the bassist’s eyes and his tempting lips. When their lips finally touched, he closed his eyes, savoring the moment. The kiss was slow and gentle, not at all like their first one that was forceful and violent. Toshiya replied into the kiss, making Kaoru want the time to stop.

Sadly, it was the kiss that had to stop, for they were out of breath.

Kaoru scooted backward slightly, trying to read something, anything from Toshiya’s eyes.

But it was too soon to guess.

Toshiya was the one who moved away, his eyes averting in the attempt to get away from the uneasiness. His hands clumsily fiddled with the hem of his shirt as he stood up. “Kaoru, I…” He muttered, “I… I don’t know.”

Kaoru followed him to stand and sighed. “It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself.” He saw the guilty look on Toshiya’s face and decided to change the subject, “Do you wanna go home?”

Toshiya blinked and nodded gradually.

“Can I walk you home?” Kaoru asked again. The wait for Toshiya’s answer seemed like forever, although in reality it was only a few seconds before he nodded for the second time. “Thank you, Toshiya.”

“Huh? I-I’m the one who was supposed to say thank—.”

“Thank you.”

For giving me a chance.

************

“What’s wrong?”

Shinya nearly jumped when he heard someone behind him. He turned around and saw his red haired bandmate.

“Why are you here?” Shinya muttered, turning back around and continue his steps, “Weren’t you supposed to celebrate our new member with the others?”

Die paced up to him and walked beside him, “And why are you here, not there with us? It was kinda rude to leave just like that.”

“I feel tired, that’s all.”

“Tired of watching Kaoru all over Toshiya?”

Shinya’s movement halted, “What?”

“You love him, don’t you.”

It was a doubtless statement, not a question. Shinya widened his eyes at the person in front of him.

“You love Kaoru,” Die continued.

Shinya opened his mouth to talk, but closed it again. Die felt something tightening in his chest. “No, I do—”

“Stop lying to yourself!”

Shinya was taken aback by the redhead’s unusual burst.

“What else could it be?? You were jealous, Shinya, jealous of Toshiya.”

“I’m not!” Shinya threw his sight away.

“You stood up for Miyabi because you knew Kaoru didn’t truly love him. You loathed Toshiya because he has the exact same name and face as Toshiya, and it was clear that Kaoru loves him.”

“Stop talking nonsense!! I’m not!”

Die grabbed Shinya’s chin and forced the younger man to face him. “Look at me and tell me that.”

“I’M NOT!” Shinya yelled.

“Shit,” Die scrunched his face in disbelief, “You’re one denial creature, you know.”

“That’s none of your business!”

Die snapped.

He lunged forward and kissed Shinya, who widened his eyes at the sudden move. Shinya was so stunned that he didn’t do anything, merely stood there and was kissed. Die finally broke the kiss and looked at him in the eyes, “Yes it is.”

Then he ran out of the room, leaving Shinya alone in bewilderment.

************
Tbc~
Ah… it was a long chapter… *tired* comments please?
 

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