Blackmalice’s notes: I torture Kaoru again =D bad me. When will he be able to… *cencored*? :P Anyho! I hope I can convey Shinya's feelings well. And thank you shu_26 for the beta!
edit: and how could i forgot! the lime scene was made with the help of pseudo_shigure



Chapter 18 : Pouring Out, Lust

Kaoru flopped down the couch, idly sipping his coffee. The whole day had been boring. In fact, the whole week had been boring.

Empty.

Kaoru himself had decided there would be no practice for two weeks. He wanted to give Toshiya’s family some time to be together with their son. They deserved it. Very much. Kaoru knew they missed Toshiya as much as he did.

But look at him. Loathing against his own decision. He couldn’t help it.

He missed Toshiya already.

They haven’t meet at all since last week. And they would not meet for another week. All these time, he only called Toshiya occasionally. Toshiya had asked him to come and join them for dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, but he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the family time.

However, Kaoru quickly turned desperate. He wanted to see Toshiya.

His beautiful Toshiya.

He closed his eyes and the picture of Toshiya showed up instantly on his mind. Rosy pouty lips… pretty eyes… smooth skin…

The image turned into something more.

Toshiya’s flushed face, whispering his name. Kaoru groaned.

Toshiya was naked, writhing under him. Sweat glistening all over his body, hair all sprawled. His legs were spread wide for Kaoru, asking, pleading.

Kaoru’s hands fumbled with his pants and found their way to his hardened member. He started to stroke the flesh and moaned. He continued to fantasize about his love, how their bodies pressed against each other, how Toshiya begging for more… deeper… harder… faster…

The sound of the door ring shook him out of his fantasy. He cursed and zipped his pants back up. He tried to calm himself down, opened the door…

…to see the object of his desire stood in front of him.

Toshiya smiled, “Hi Kaoru.”

Kaoru stood still, face still flushed and still out of breath. He finally found his voice back and answered, “Toshiya.”

“May I come in?”

Kaoru wiped his sweat with one hand and nodded clumsily, “Oh, sure, I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay, Kaoru? Your face looked a little red,” Toshiya said as he opened his shoes.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Toshiya leaned in and pressed his forehead against the other’s, “Hmm… it doesn’t look like you’re having a fever.”

Kaoru felt hot again as Toshiya’s body went near his. He jerked away slightly, “Umm, what brings you here? Aren’t you supposed to be with your family?”

“Umm,” Toshiya stared at his feet and blushed, “I miss you.”

The combination of his aroused state, blushing Toshiya, and the words Toshiya said to him, broke all the controls he had on his mind and body. He pushed Toshiya against the wall and kissed him roughly.

Toshiya’s eyes widened at the sudden contact, but he moaned into the kiss as one of Kaoru’s hands rubbed the front of his pants. Then Kaoru pressed their bodies together, and Toshiya could feel something hard.

“Toshiya,” Kaoru whispered, his voice low and thick with want, “I was thinking of you.”

Toshiya blushed harder. He yelped when Kaoru carried him through the living room to the bedroom, and finally dropped him down the bed. Kaoru crawled on top of him and kissed him again. Their tongues met, and Kaoru dominate the younger man by exploring his every inch of mouth.

They parted when the need for air became unbearable, and Kaoru looked at his lover’s eyes deeply. “I miss you too,” They kissed again, “I miss you so much.”

As Kaoru licked his way to the taller man’s neck, alternating between sucking and nibbling, he crept his hands inside Toshiya’s shirt, stroking the smooth expanse of flesh. Toshiya moaned when he felt his nipples being played with. Nonetheless, an unknown fear began to build within Toshiya. “Kaoru, do-don’t…”

Kaoru couldn’t think straight anymore. He wanted to feel Toshiya. He needed to feel Toshiya. “I love you, Toshiya.”

“No… no…” Toshiya struggled, he really felt scared. He didn’t like the strange feeling of the daunting familiarity.

“Toshiya, please,” Kaoru grabbed Toshiya’s shoulders, holding him in place, “I need you.” Toshiya looked back at him in doubt. “I’m not going to hurt you.” And with those words he nibbled Toshiya’s lower lip.

The taller boy clenched Kaoru’s shirt. He was nervous obviously. The same nervousness that rose on the night they finally become lovers and Kaoru made a move at him. The nervousness that tingled with a hint of fear and blurred reminiscences.

However, he loved Kaoru, and he knew Kaoru held himself back too much already. Moreover, he knew exactly that Kaoru wouldn’t hurt him. Hesitantly, he let the older guy deepened the kiss. Kaoru devoured his mouth with passion, and hunger. His clench on Kaoru’s shirt getting tighter as the guitarist did that.

When Kaoru once again slipped his hand under his shirt and caressing his body, Toshiya tried so hard not to struggle and pushed him away.

The taste of Toshiya’s lips and his soft silky body under his hand made Kaoru needed more. He licked and kissed Toshiya’s swan-like neck, then trailed his lips to his collar. But it wasn’t enough, he wanted more. He wanted Toshiya.

Kaoru began to unbutton Toshiya’s shirt before finally yanked it open. He found the younger man’s rosy nipples and licked one of it before took the whole of it into his mouth. He nibbled it, and sucked it, cherished it possessively, enjoying the whimpers Toshiya let out.

“Toshiya…” he hushed his lover’s name against the creamy skin under him. The lust was swirling inside his body. He rubbed their hardened member together and he moaned. God, that felt so good. His Toshiya felt so good.

He moved the kiss along Toshiya’s flat abdomen. Then his hands tried to unbuckle his pants. But Toshiya started to struggle again.

“Kaoru… please don’t,” he pleaded softly. No… No…

But Kaoru looked at him in his eyes and said, “Just relax. It’s going to be fine.” Then he pecked his belly and lowered Toshiya’s pants along with his boxers. He spent some time to admire the view before him.

It had been such a long time. They were so young back then. How many times have he dreamed to touch Toshiya again? To feel him again?

“You’re so beautiful, Totchi…” Kaoru licked his lips before reaching out to stroke Toshiya’s half-erected member lightly.

Feeling the contact, Toshiya’s body trembled. “Kaoru…,” his voice was shaky. Tears were starting to form in his dread-filled eyes.

Kaoru saw them, but he couldn’t think straight anymore. The lust and longing pushed him beyond his line of consideration. “Ssh…” he said huskily.

Toshiya felt Kaoru’s hand move to his back, grasping his cheeks. Toshiya didn’t like it. Not because he didn’t want it, but there was something in the back of his mind… Haunting… Frightening…

But of course Kaoru didn’t know it. So, as he kissed Toshiya’s trembling lips, he thrust his index finger gently into Toshiya.

“You’re gonna love this.”

Toshiya jerked up and screamed. All of the sudden he found the strength to shoved Kaoru off him, making Kaoru fell down on the floor due to the unexpected force.

“What the fuck?!”

Toshiya trembled, sobbing hard. One of his hands was pulling his pants and boxers up, while the other was wrapped around his body in the attempt to calm himself down.

Kaoru started to got annoyed, and the annoyance quickly turned to anger. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” His lover refused his touch, his lover was crying because he had touched him! He needed Toshiya, dammit!

Toshiya sobbed harder, “Ka-Kaoru… I’m sorry…”

Kaoru lunged forward and forced a kiss to Toshiya’s lips, which earned a muffled cry and endless struggling. Then Toshiya bit his bottom lip. He snarled and pushed Toshiya to lay flat on his back violently. “Fuck! Toshiya!!”

Toshiya stared up at him in fear. He barely recognized this Kaoru. Kaoru was always gentle and understanding. But the face of the Kaoru before him was filled with fury. Raw lust. Uncontrolled.

Kaoru forced another kiss, but this time Toshiya pushed him harder and ran outside the room. “Toshiya!!!” Kaoru quickly rushed after him, watching as Toshiya’s back disappear behind his apartment’s door. He ran outside to find the rain pouring down.

Rain.

Pouring down.

Toshiya disappearing.

As the past memories came back to him, his wrath turned to worries. What if… Shit! Shit!

What have he done?!

************

He was entranced by Kaoru.

No.

He was entranced by the feelings Kaoru had towards Toshiya. The strong, endless feelings.

Ever since they were young, Kaoru only had his eyes on Toshiya. So intense, so full of longing and care, that it attracts Shinya.

Shinya couldn’t help but observe. How Kaoru would smile with even the slightest interaction with Toshiya. How Kaoru would be panicked, losing control of his usual composed self, even when the wound Toshiya got was only a scratch. How Kaoru would not let his stare away from Toshiya, apart when Toshiya’s eyes caught his.

Even when Toshiya was… dead.

Kaoru refused to give in. He continued his love.

Made him wonder.

About how would it feel if Kaoru smiled at him, panicked over him, stared at him with that intense longing and care.

…But actually, he wondered about how wonderful it would feel if someone does that to him.

He envied Toshiya. For all the love he got from Kaoru.

Shinya defended Miyabi because he knew that deep down, Kaoru never forgot Toshiya. Kaoru only saw Miyabi as Toshiya’s replacement. His love for Toshiya never changed.

Continued. Endless.

As long as that would keep Kaoru love Toshiya, no matter how weird it sounded, Shinya wanted to keep it that way.

When Toshiya the sushi-boy came into their life, he despised him because Shinya could see Kaoru was falling for him. Which means Toshiya had began to replace Toshiya in Kaoru’s heart.

But Kaoru wasn’t supposed to forget Toshiya, or what Shinya envied would turned out to be nothing.

So, all in all, it wasn’t love that Shinya felt towards Kaoru.

It was admiration for Kaoru’s feelings towards Toshiya.

And that was what Shinya, with ragged breath and stutters filled his speech, told Die at one night, when Shinya surprisingly appeared on Die’s apartment door.

Die didn’t even had a chance to ask anything before Shinya started his explanation earlier. Shinya talked and talked and left Die no room to ask anyway. It was as if Shinya was trying to explain before all the explanation disappeared from his own mind. And now, after the talk finally done, Die didn’t know what to say.

He knew though, that it was the complete opposite from what was Die thinking.

Shinya’s way of thinking was surely… out of ordinary. Even Shinya admitted that earlier.

But he could clearly see that Shinya wasn’t lying. The younger man’s eyes were filled with faith and sincerity.

So he had read Shinya wrong all this time.

Shinya stared at him and began to feel like he had humiliated himself. Moreover, why he even bother to tell Die about these things?

“So,” He averted his eyes, “I just want to explain that to you. I’ll leave now.” He turned and was about to leave, but Die’s hand stopped him.

“W-wait!” Die turned him back towards him, searching for his eyes, “You… why are you telling me all this?”

Shinya couldn’t do anything but shrugged. He didn’t know why either.

“Is that mean… could it be that…” Die spoke again, his voice thick with hope and uncertainty, “…I have a chance?”

Shinya blushed. He didn’t know why he blushed. How was he supposed to answer that?

As if feeling Shinya’s hesitation, Die offered, “It was just a yes or no question. It’s not like you accepted me if you answer yes, by the way. I asked you whether you’ll give me a chance or not.” He saw Shinya stayed still and he added, “You could just nod or shook your head if you want.”

Shinya felt his face burning.

And he nodded slowly.

************

Kaoru continued to run through the rain, his eyes darted to the sides, scanning the area around him. He had searched for more than an hour, and he began to worry for Toshiya’s condition under such heavy rain. He cursed himself inwardly repeatedly, but cursing wouldn’t help him to found his lover.

He passed a playground and felt his heart jumped when he saw a figure sitting on one of the swings. He calmed his ragged breathing, and slowly strode towards Toshiya, who had his palms covered his face, body trembling, and softly crying. Kaoru could feel the younger man tensed when he wrapped his arms around him. “Toshiya.”

Toshiya didn’t struggle. “Kaoru,” he let out muffled sobs, “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Kaoru peeled Toshiya’s hands away from his face, feeling like killing himself when he saw the bloated teary eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“But....”

“I’m so sorry.” He kissed Toshiya gently, “I missed you too much.”

That made Toshiya burst into tears again. He lunged forward and cried loudly like a baby, burying his face on Kaoru’s chest.

“Why is that… everything I do only makes you cry over and over again?” Kaoru whispered.

Toshiya shook his head, “I don’t think of you like that.”

“I just want to love you.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you too.” And that, was Toshiya’s first declaration of love. Kaoru searched his lips and they kissed under the pouring water. It was far from romantic, and the kiss was sloppy. But they couldn’t help but feel comfortable in each other’s arms.

After a while, Kaoru let go. No matter how long he wanted to stay in that position, giving full comfort along with asking for forgiveness, he still remembered the rain pouring down on their bodies. They had been soaked wet.

He waited until Toshiya’s cries died down before speaking with a soft voice, “Let’s go, Toshiya. You’ll catch a cold.”

Toshiya stared at him hesitantly before standing up gradually. Kaoru gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then he reached for Toshiya’s hand and started to walk. Toshiya followed him slowly… too slowly.

“Toshiya?”

Toshiya’s eyes went wide, “S-sorry… Did I hold you back? You should walk ahead, don’t mind me—”

“What are you talking about?!” Kaoru snapped. Toshiya staggered back and winced… in pain. Kaoru’s eyes widened, then darted towards the taller man’s feet.

There, on his right ankle, a large gash was spotted along with some scratches here and there. It was obvious that Toshiya didn’t treat it as soon as possible, and added with the pouring rain, it was beginning to swollen. “God, Toshiya! What happened?!!”

Toshiya whimpered when Kaoru touched the wound lightly, “I tripped…”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Baka! You never tell me!”

“I’m sorry…” Toshiya sniffed. He was scared being yelled at by Kaoru, even though this time it only means Kaoru was worried about him. But suddenly his feet lost its footing and he found himself being carried by Kaoru.

“K-Kaoru! What are you doing?!”

“Carrying you back home.”

“It’s okay! I can walk by myself!”

“Ssh.”

Toshiya opened his mouth to let out some more protests, but it died down into unspeakable submission. Kaoru smiled down to him and kissed his forehead softly. Toshiya couldn’t help but blushed. He ducked his head down, pressing it to Kaoru’s shoulder, as he gripped the front shirt of the older man.

The rain continued to pour down, but they didn’t feel cold anymore. The warmth of the bodies pressed against each other was more than enough.

They walked home in comfortable silence.

************
Tbc~

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