Blackmalice’s notes: seriously, is it wrong that I’ve been waiting for this chapter to come? I’ve finished it long ago. I love torturing toshiya thanks to shu_26 for beta-ing this fic so fast XD

Anyho!! It’s the 20th chapter!!! Omg, from the first time I made this fic (which was more than a year ago!), I never knew it would come this far ;_; THANK YOU for everyone that had been supporting me. Let’s make this an early V-day’s gift for you all =D And no, this fic is still far from the end ^^;;

Chapter 20 : Then all comes back


It’s sickening.

How the moon glows without giving a damn about the sorrow amass under its light.

How the people chat with each other, smiling, laughing.

How the couples walk hand in hand, leaning to each other, knowing nothing about the betrayal that may come in the future. He wanted to throw up.

Envy.

Miyabi turned to watch the restaurant again. He was watching from a well-hidden spot, far enough not to be noticed, not too far to let him see clearly.

Oh, yes, Miyabi could see the five men clearly. As clear as usual, where he walked behind them and followed them now and then, always went unnoticed. He still sent e-mails to Kaoru, but of course, there was no reply. He still called Kaoru, but of course, there was no answer.

Deathmask, huh. They’re a new band now, Miyabi heard about it from his friend. They just couldn’t get happier. Look at them.

But Miyabi was left behind. Dumped. Replaced by a blue-haired man named Toshiya.

But then again, Miyabi was the replacement all this time.

He really wanted to cry and yell, but they were all laughing.

Kaoru whispered something near Toshiya’s ear. The tall man blushed and looked away, but not before Kaoru stole a kiss on his lips.

Miyabi threw up.

After what felt like forever, they were preparing to leave. Kaoru’s hand quickly found its way around Toshiya’s waist, and they walked out of the restaurant. Miyabi thought they would finally part, but of course not. Kaoru was being a good lover and walk Toshiya home after both of them said goodbye to the others.

Miyabi followed them.

The couple was so all over each other that Miyabi was convinced they wouldn’t realize his presence even if he was standing in front of them. Nevertheless, he would not take the risk. He needed to know where this Toshiya live.

They arrived at an apartment block. It was a small one, where all the doors was facing outside, made it easy for Miyabi to figure out which one was the filthy man’s nest.

And then Kaoru followed Toshiya walking inside, closing the door behind him. Miyabi hold himself from throwing up for the second time.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, having thoughts he couldn’t stand. The thought of his Kaoru holding someone else. His Kaoru stayed over at someone else’s place. His Kaoru—.

His Kaoru walked out of the apartment, looking somewhat distressed. Miyabi looked up and saw the moon was still there, which means Kaoru didn’t stay over. He turned to see Kaoru again. Kaoru whom he missed so much. Miyabi unconsciously started to walk towards him…

“I’m sorry. I really love him.”

He stopped.

He turned and made his way to the front of a certain apartment’s door.

************

Toshiya gazed upward mindlessly. He felt bad towards Kaoru. Kaoru didn’t want to hurt him. Kaoru was always nice, patient, and loving. So what made him so scared?

Every time Kaoru went further beyond kissing, he started to tremble. Then his mind went jumbled with things he didn’t recognize until Kaoru managed to brought him back to the reality. He didn’t even realize he had been crying and muttering random inaudible words.

Kaoru seemed worried about him rather than annoyed like he was supposed to, and Toshiya felt like hating himself. Of course, Kaoru never went mad. Instead, Kaoru always hug him, sooth him until he calm down. Toshiya said sorry every time, but Kaoru shook his head and simply said ‘I love you, Toshiya’.

Kaoru. Sweet, gentle Kaoru.

What’s wrong with himself actually?

Toshiya closed his eyes and tried to remember the things that went through his mind at those times. Something doesn’t feel right, maddening…

The knocking on the door snapped him out.

He shook his head and paced towards the door “Kaoru? Did you forget someth—.” His words were but when someone shoved the door, along with Toshiya who had just opened it slightly, made him fall to the floor. That someone walked inside and slammed the door shut.

“Mi-Miyabi…?”

“Don’t call me with those foul mouth of yours!!” Miyabi snapped at the shocked Toshiya. “You piece of shit…”

“Calm down—.”

“You dare to tell me what to do?” Miyabi leaned down, eyes cold and sharp, “Got to steal Kaoru from me and you feel like you’re pretty, huh?” He reached inside his pocket without moving his gaze and derived a small knife. Toshiya’s eyes widened in fear.

“Scared now, aren’t you?”

“Miyabi, what are you—”

“Ssh,” Miyabi put the knife near Toshiya’s lips, silencing him in an instant. “Don’t worry, I won’t use it… If you behave.”

Miyabi pushed Toshiya down harshly, making the other man winced as his head hit the wooden floor. Then he hovered above him, staring thoroughly, still with the cold eyes. “What’s so good about you?”

Toshiya felt the knife on his lips. The cold steel felt so dangerous. Alarming.

“You feel this…? Want this?”

Evoking.

“You’re tall… you have long legs… smooth skin… shiny hair… pretty eyes… luscious lips…” Miyabi raised his knife and thrust it down the floor, barely missing Toshiya’s side of the face. “WHAT’S SO GOOD ABOUT YOU??!!”

“Pretty… so pretty…”

“You filthy creature!!!”

Toshiya trembled. Something flashed in his mind. “Are you feeling filthy? Worthless?” He turned and saw the knife. “Want this?”

“Don’t ignore me!!” Miyabi slapped him hard and grabbed both sides of Toshiya’s face. “You have no idea how much I hate you.” He ripped Toshiya’s shirt off.

Toshiya’s eyes blinked rapidly. Uncontrollably. He was frightened beyond belief. Something in the back of his mind was swelling up, wanted to break away from the shield of his loss of memory. Something he had forgotten. Something he couldn’t bear to remember.

“What’s so good about you?” Miyabi repeated.

“…don’t… please…” Toshiya whispered unconsciously. Miyabi slapped him again, harder this time. The blue-haired man’s lips were bleeding.

“Blood suits you sweetly.”

“Served you right,” Miyabi’s hands started to stroke the pretty face below him. The hands continued down the bare chest, down the flat abdomen, downward. “Is this how Kaoru touch you?”

Miyabi leaned down and licked the nape of Toshiya’s neck.

“Is this how Kaoru taste you?”

“You taste very good, you know…”

Toshiya struggled, but Miyabi’s surprising strength held him down. “No… no… please…” Aggravated, the younger man pulled the knife and glued it on the side of Toshiya’s neck. “Silence.” With his free hand, Miyabi forcibly opened the fly of Toshiya’s pants and pulled it down along with his boxers. “I want to know what’s so good about you.”

Toshiya couldn’t hold his tears anymore. Everything felt too frightening, too familiar. His trembling worsened. He wanted to run away, but his body wouldn’t move. With his little consciousness left, he called weakly, “…Kaoru…”

That angered Miyabi to the point of no return. “THAT’S MY KAORU!!!” The knife made a long cut on the skin of Toshiya’s neck, letting some blood seeped out. Miyabi continued to make slices on Toshiya’s body. He was uncontrolled, his breathing quickened, his mind lost all its sense. Still holding the knife, his free hand started to beat Toshiya everywhere he could reach.

Toshiya felt pain.

Pain.

But he couldn’t move.

“Do you feel pain? Don’t worry… I’ll make you feel good soon…”

He coughed some blood.

Miyabi stopped, but only to reach down.

Down to Toshiya’s opening.

Before Toshiya could grasp what was happening, Miyabi ruthlessly inserted his fingers there, violating Toshiya in a merciless way. “Is this how Kaoru fuck you?” Toshiya’s eyes shot up and his mouth opened in a silent agony, his face mixed with pain and fright, and something else which he didn’t know.

“You like it, don’t you?”

“You like it.”

“You want more.”

“Youwantmetodothis.Youlittleslut.Youreenjoyingthisasmuchasido.Dontyoudaredenyit.Refusemeagainandillmakeyoucryuntilyourtearsdry.Bitemeagainandillmakeyouregretityourwholelife.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll give you more.”

Toshiya’s mind went blank.

************

Kaoru paced towards a certain apartment door. He intended to knock, but then he thought Toshiya wouldn’t mind if he just come in. So he opened the door and walked in, “Toshiya, sorry, I think I left my—”

The sight that greeted him was beyond sanity.

Toshiya laid bare on the floor, cuts and blood all over his body. Above him, Miyabi was holding a knife with one hand, and his other hand…

Kaoru only needed a moment to realize what was happening. His eyes met Miyabi’s and his head boiled with rage. Without any second thought, he lunged forward and pushed Miyabi away from his helpless lover, the knife fell down with a loud thump. He grabbed Miyabi’s collar, slamming him against the wall, and shook him violently, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??!!!”

Miyabi stared at him in fright, “…Ka-Kaoru…” Never before, he saw the older man this angry. So angry that Miyabi thought he would’ve been dead if he happened to go any further.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING??!!!”

Miyabi couldn’t help the tears from coming out. He didn’t want Kaoru to be angry at him. He only wanted to teach the slut a little lesson. He wanted Kaoru back. But despite of his mixed feelings, Miyabi laughed, “Look, Kaoru… I’ve taught this slut a lesson… He deserves it, don’t you think?”

Kaoru glanced at Toshiya and his anger rose. He gave a hard slap across Miyabi’s face. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!”

Miyabi stopped his laughter, “Kaoru…” He sobbed, “I love you… Please come back to me…”

Kaoru stared at the boy before him.

Tremendous amount of emotions swirled inside his body.

Guilt.

He had caused all this.

But this wasn’t the time to blame himself.

In any case, what Miyabi had done was far across the line.

Toshiya had done nothing wrong.

That thought itself made him lose his clear mind. In spite of his guilt, Kaoru couldn’t hold himself back from slapping Miyabi again and wrapped his fingers tightly on the boy’s neck. Miyabi gasped helplessly, unable to breath. He watched in fear as the furious Kaoru glared at him with the coldest stare he ever saw. “Kao—.”

Kaoru dragged Miyabi outside, pushing the younger man roughly, “Go away.” Miyabi cried and made a move to went closer to Kaoru, but Kaoru fixed a glare to him, the kind of indescribable glare that frightened Miyabi to no end, yet forcing Miyabi to see that this was the end.

The end of him and Kaoru.

The end.

No more.

“GO AWAY!!” Kaoru yelled from the top of his lungs, “AND NEVER COME BACK AGAIN!!”

Miyabi’s body shook uncontrollably. He gazed at Kaoru for the last time and turned away, running down the stairs without looking back.

Kaoru rushed back inside, checking his lover’s condition. His heartbeat quickened due to worry. He winced at the numerous amounts of cuts on Toshiya’s body. That was when he realized that Toshiya haven’t made a sound. “Toshiya…?”

Toshiya’s eyes were wide opened, but the stare was blank. No response to his calling.

“Toshiya…” Kaoru slipped one hand behind Toshiya to support his head and lift him up a bit, didn’t bother to pay attention to the blood that had began to stain his own clothes. “Can you hear me?” Still no response. Kaoru was getting even more anxious. He shook the injured body lightly, “Answer me, please…” Then he shook harder.

This, apparently, managed to shake Toshiya from his blank state. The eyes were what made it visible. They were moving slowly, then quickened. Then they caught Kaoru’s and Toshiya suddenly jerked away, moving himself away from the older man.

“No… no… please…”

Kaoru was worried, very worried. Toshiya stared at him, but his eyes were far. He didn’t seem to recognize Kaoru. “To-Toshiya… It’s me… Kaoru”

Toshiya began to tremble, sobbing wildly. “I beg you… please… no more…”

Kaoru’s hand reached out for him, but he stared with an enormous fear and shook his head repeatedly. “Are you gonna hurt me again…?” Toshiya’s face contorted in pain, his injuries started to react with the careless way his body moved. He cried, his hands wrapped around his own body. “It hurts… it’s painful… please stop…”

And then Toshiya saw it.

The knife.

“Want this?”

“Toshiya!!!” Kaoru yelled in fright when he saw the taller man grabbed the knife, aiming it to his neck. He rushed to grab his lover’s hands, holding them in place before anything bad have the chance to occur.

“LET ME GO!!!”

“TOSHIYA!! STOP!!” Kaoru stopped the struggling Toshiya with all his strength. He snatched the knife and threw it away. This made Toshiya screamed and cried even more hysterically.

“WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL ME?!! PLEASE!!!”

Kaoru hugged him as tight as he could, didn’t allow him to move. “LET ME DIE!!” Toshiya cried harder, his struggle didn’t give any result.

“Please…” He pleaded, “Kaoru…”

Kaoru’s body jerked when he heard his name came out from Toshiya. Did Toshiya just recognize him? He held him tighter and whispered hurriedly near Toshiya’s ear. “Toshiya, I’m here.”

Nonetheless, the cries didn’t stop. “Kaoru… Kaoru… where are you…” Toshiya still haven’t recognize him.

“Help me… Please stop him…”

“It’s okay now, Toshiya…” Kaoru continued to whisper with a soft, reassuring voice, “It’s okay… Miyabi isn’t here anymore… Miyabi won’t hurt you anymore…”

Toshiya’s cries died down to sobs. His body felt exhausted. He didn’t have the strength to struggle any longer. He didn’t have the strength to stay alert any longer. “Stop him, Kaoru… Don’t let him come back again… He would come back and hurt me again… like he did the day before… and the day before that… and the day…”

Just then, every piece started to fall together. As he stared at the tears-flooded face of Toshiya who had just fainted, Kaoru realized that whoever Toshiya talking about or scared of, was not Miyabi.

The time when Toshiya went missing.

The cause of his amnesia.

The fear Toshiya had every time they intended to make love.

Someone else had done something to Toshiya…

…before.

************
Tbc~
Uh-oh, what have I done? Don’t kill me?

************