Lovers of Lost Dimension
by Bl4ckm4lice

 

Blackmalice’s notes: huge thanks to Sandy, pseudo_shigure and shadow_siberian *gives you cookies*

If you wanna read the spoiler, go to the prologue


Chapter 3: The life continued… did it not?


Miyabi woke up to see the empty space next to him on the bed. His eyes wandered around the room. “Kaoru?”

Hearing no reply, he wrapped a bathrobe around himself and made his way out of the room. He saw no signs of the older man anywhere and suddenly felt sad. It had always been like this. Well, not always, but most of the time. Miyabi would wake up in the morning without Kaoru by his side. The times when he actually stayed were when he was too drunk the night before, or when he worked too much that it tired him out.

Miyabi placed himself sloppily on the couch and looked around. The apartment was quite neat. Kaoru found this nice place by luck. And with even more luck, the rent was not that big for Kaoru, for he was still just a part-time worker at various places. A man who was just a guitarist of an indies band, no matter how famous the band was, has to work real hard to cover his living expenses.

The apartment was not very big, but just enough for two people.

He sighed.

Why hasn’t Kaoru asked him to live together?

Miyabi lived alone anyway. His parents stayed back in his hometown. His relatives who took care of him rarely came by and didn’t prevent him from doing anything. Besides, he and Kaoru They had been in this relationship for one year, yet Miyabi didn’t feel the relationship going anywhere. It was in times like these that Miyabi questioned Kaoru’s real feelings for him. In times like these he even felt like doing a physical-based relationship.

Alone. In Kaoru’s apartment.

Especially when he saw the photos of Kaoru and his current band mates on the board above the television. There were no photos of Miyabi anywhere in the apartment, whether together with Kaoru or alone. He couldn’t even recall being together with Kaoru in a photo. Miyabi never questioned it. Maybe he was too afraid to find out that the truth was not far from his guess. The truth that would hurt him.

That Miyabi was never that important to him. At least not as important as his band mates, whom Kaoru treasured so much, as they were his companions on pursuing his dream. Maybe Miyabi wasn’t even a companion for Kaoru.

He quickly rid himself of the thought.

Yes, Kaoru is a hard-working man, trying hard to achieve his dream. That’s what you love about him too, right? He just has to go practicing with his band this early in the morning.

He’ll come back later. Like always.

Then you’ll have him hold you again.

He loves you, Miyabi. You hear it, you feel it. You shouldn’t question it.

He nodded to himself. Maybe he was too naïve, letting —if not forcing— himself to believe what he wanted to believe. Maybe he just didn’t want to see the truth. Maybe he just wanted to stay beside Kaoru, no matter what.

He wanted to stay naïve.

Then, feeling his hunger, he stood up and walked towards the kitchen to grab something edible. He saw a single half-empty cup of coffee that must have been Kaoru’s leftover. Another coffee, just coffee, for breakfast. Unhealthy Kaoru.

He really needs someone to take care of him. Miyabi smiled. I’ll do it forever.

************

“Kaoru!”

The said man snapped his head up. He was walking towards the studio when he saw a friend of his run towards him with an anxious face. “Shin-chan?”

“Kaoru,” Shinya stopped near Kaoru, catching his breath, “You… quick… Kyo and Kisaki…”

Muttering a silent ‘shit’, Kaoru rushed to the studio. The two were at it again. They fought about almost anything. It was like they were born to fight each other. It was like they would not understand that there were differences between the two that they could not avoid. They just didn’t want to understand each other.

Just before he opened the door of the studio, he saw Die coming from the other way. Die noticed the expression on his friend’s face and, knowing what must have been going on, he followed Kaoru inside quickly.

Both of them entered just when Kyo was ready to punch Kisaki in the face. He stopped right when Kaoru shouted, “KYO!!”

Kyo glanced at his friends who had just entered, gritted his teeth, and loosened his grip on Kisaki’s collar. Kaoru was never his choice to mess with. Die quickly stopped Kisaki’s attempt to punch Kyo as payback. The eldest of the group approached them and glared at the two who were fighting. “What is it this time?

“This asshole thinks he’s the ultimate idealist.” Kyo said sharply. “He said that going major would be the fucking biggest mistake a band could ever make. And that we looked like total dumbasses for believing we could go major.”

Kaoru turned to Kisaki, “I never knew you thought like that.”

“It’s true!” Kisaki shouted, “We’re much better this way! Free, no limitations, no fucking orders or contracts!! Why should we change it?!!

“Are you satisfied with what we are now?”

“Why not?!! We have enough fans, we’re well-known, we could make enough living by that. There’s no need to go major!!” He looked like he could blow up at anytime. His face was flushed and his fists clenched.

Kaoru stared at him. “Indies bands can only go as far as live houses, have a small circulation of CDs, and thus a small audience. Our goal is to spread our music broadly, to make a lot of people listen to our music.”

“This band would never be able to go major anyway, so why bother? Our music is way too far from the mainstream! Or are you planning to change that?”

“Of course not,” Kaoru frowned, looking insulted. “We have pride as musicians. We will prove that we will make it without changing our music. That’s a challenge we’re willing to take, are we not?”

“What challenge?!! You’re talking bullshit, man. You and your ‘leader-like’ attitude,” Kisaki sneered, “Just think about what I said.” Then he walked out the door, left the room in silence before Kyo finally slumped himself on the couch.

“That jerk,” The small man lightened a cigarette ignoring the small protest from Shinya, “I never liked him.”

“You’ve never liked anyone, Kyo-chan.” Die grinned while avoiding the pillow thrown by Kyo.

Shinya ignored Kyo’s attempt to give at least one smack at Die’s head. Instead, he watched Kaoru rubbed his forehead, “Kaoru? What should we do now?”

Kaoru sighed and turned to the others, “Practice is cancelled. We would’ve discussed the new songs today anyway. We could not do that without a bassist.”

Kyo groaned, “I should’ve just stayed at home. My sleep was ruined for nothing.”

“If you don’t remember, you were more or less the one who made us come here for nothing, Kyo-chan.” Die said nonchalantly.

“Well, I just couldn’t stand that guy! He talks so big, thinking he is always right! He’s the genius, and we are the fools!”

“Kyo, it’s not about how different our points of view are.” Kaoru started to talk. “It was about how to change his way of thinking to be the same as ours. We should talk to him, make him understand our goal, and then have him cooperate to fight together for our dream.”

“He would never listen,” Kyo stood up and heaved a long smoke from his cigarette, “He’s much too different from us, points of view, way of thinking and anything else. Really, Kaoru, should it be him?”

“What do you mean, Kyo?” Shinya asked with a frown.

“We should find another bassist.” Kyo stated, his gaze fixed on Kaoru who was the band leader. “La:Sadies does not need him.”

************

“We should find another bassist,” Die imitated Kyo’s voice, whose owner had left the three of them earlier, as he sipped his beer at a small bar, “Well, hello, if finding a bassist is so easy, he should find one and bring him to us!”

“Well… he was not that unreasonable, Die.” Shinya said.

“Shinya’s right,” Kaoru stated. “In spite of Kyo’s tendency to say whatever he wanted to say without thinking, he’s actually being rational this time. We can’t keep a bassist who doesn’t have the same views as us.”

“Kaoru! You know yourself how hard it was to get Kisaki to join La:Sadies! Do you want to waste all of our effort? Besides, a personnel change would affect the band, right? I mean, he was involved in making our music, not to mention the fans!”

“If we couldn’t convince him to go major, what’s the point of keeping him?”

“So, all we gotta do is convince him, right?”

“It would not be easy,” Shinya shook his head.

“Maybe it’s easier than finding a new bassist! Getting a new member who has the same view, taste of music, and enough skill is never easy! If that friend of Kaoru didn’t introduce us to Kisaki, we would not have a bassist until now.”

Kaoru pondered about it for a while moving his glass slowly before he made up his mind. “We should try to talk to him first.”

Die sneered at Shinya triumphantly, “See? Kaoru agrees with me! I win!”

“What did you win exactly? I don’t think we were having a competition?” Shinya threw his hands up with annoyance. Die just grinned and pinched the younger man’s nose, which earned an instant protest.

Kaoru just smiled looking at them both.

But Shinya noticed how far his eyes were.

He always noticed how Kaoru seemed to have his mind somewhere else. He never joined the lively talk, he never laughed out loud, a joke would never escape his mouth, all smiles were faked. Kaoru just pretended to be himself.

Kaoru had never been himself ever since that time.

That time when the rain was hard and the grief was too thick. Never before had he seen Kaoru like that. Though there were tears streaming down his face, the man was silent. No scream, no growl, not even a sob. He didn’t even bother to wipe his tears. It’s as if his soul was lost somewhere and what was left was the empty body that could only cry.

Lost. Along with that person.

He was shaken from his reminiscence when Die gave another pinch on his nose. “Ouch!”

“What is Shin-chan thinking about? You would have wrinkles like Kaoru if you keep frowning like that!”

“I don’t have wrinkles, Die.” Kaoru said indifferently, clearly not bothered by Die’s words.

“What is your problem—Stop pinching my nose, baka!” Shinya slapped Die’s hand who just gave him more pinches.

“Why? A red nose would look pretty good on you.”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t sulk, honey bear. Let’s go home.”

“Go home by yourself!”

“Why~? Since my place and yours are close enough, I would enjoy some company on the way home.”

Shinya snorted, but silently wanted to go home too, for he suddenly remembered that he had left Miyu’s plate empty. He stole a glance at Kaoru. “Wanna go to the station together?”

The older man gave him a slight smile and shook his head. “I think I’ll stay here some more time.”

Shinya knew that ‘stay here’ means anywhere but Kaoru’s own home. Because Kaoru appeared to hate the fact that a certain someone was there. “You should go home, Kaoru,” Shinya said hesitantly, “Miyabi must be waiting for you.”

A cold stare made Shinya regret his words instantly. Kaoru didn’t like it if anyone mentioned anything about Miyabi, yet he dated the man for a long time and never gave any impression that he was going to break the relationship. Shinya, along with Kyo and Die knew exactly the reason why. But there was a silent agreement about how that was never to be mentioned.

“I’ll go home later, Shinya.”

“H-hai,” Shinya averted his gaze, turning to the red head that had been waiting for him at the exit, “I-I’ll go now, just give us a call when the next practice would be.”

Without waiting for a reply –not that Kaoru seemed to want to give one, Shinya left with Die.

************

“Kaoru has changed so much.”

Die stayed silent not giving any reply. Shinya nudged him with a slight annoyance. “Hey, Die, are you listening?”

“Yes, I heard you. Am I supposed to reply?”

“Why not?”

“Shin-chan,” Die sighed, “We all know that he has changed. We all know what the cause is. Then what?”

“But Die—“

“But what? Do you think Kyo and I never think about it? Do you think we never worry about Kaoru just like you do? But what can we do if Kaoru keeps closing himself off from us, from our support?”

Shinya was silenced by that fact. It was not that he had never realized it, but hearing someone else saying that also made him somewhat further depressed. Because then he realized fully that everyone was having the same thought, and that would mean there’s no one left to turn to. He felt desperate for being useless and unable to help his precious friend from his agony. “How could it turn out this way…?”

“Shinya…”

“I’m sorry, I know there’s no use asking about that. I just… had to let that out. We were so happy… Life was so fine the way it was… and they just actually got together… It was too cruel, Die…” without Shinya knowing, a single tear escaped his eye.

“It’s no use talking about this,” Die reached out and wiped the tear, then slowly brought the younger man’s head to his chest and held him there, “It would only make us feel sad, regret everything, and question endlessly.”

They stayed like that for some time. Shinya unconsciously snuggled closer towards Die’s warmth, feeling desperate to seek some comfort. Die instinctively held him tighter, strangely sensing the need to give comfort. After Die was sure Shinya had calmed down, he loosened himself and poked lightly at the other man. “Let’s go home now, Shinko.”

“Don’t call me that!” Shinya’s frown didn’t stay long as he couldn’t hide his smile and followed Die walking down the road. He was thankful that there was a person like Die around, who could lighten up any kind of situation, giving comfort in his own way.

They walked past a sushi bar, Shinya idly thinking about how long it was since he last eat a sushi, maybe he would buy some tomorrow…

Then a person went past him. That person, Shinya was somehow sure it was a man, had a tall, slender body. His long black hair swept Shinya’s face slightly. He couldn’t see the face clearly, but he sensed some kind of familiarity towards that person…

Shinya quickly turned around and saw that person was gone.

“Shinya?” Die called out for him. Shinya turned back to Die and paced himself so he could catch up with the red head.

No. That’s not possible…

…right?

************
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