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Of Faith and Denial Warning: NC – 13 Rated for Language and well, thirteen pages of angst Genre: Angst and unending bitterness Status: Complete Pairing: KaoruxDiexShinya
Mode: Shinya’s point of view and a lot of fragmented setting description… You see why he doesn’t talk much? Because he’s always thinking..
*Written while listening to Zakuro…
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“I don’t think you need me anymore…
or it’s more like you never really needed me to begin with…”
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I never really thought it would come to this. He was nobody to me and to him I was particularly no one to begin with. He was the fairly built musician that never actually had the brains to do anything sensible even if his life depended on it, that’s who he was to me when we first met… and me? I was the girly looking boy that he’d never set his auburn eyes upon. So why and how in the world had it come to this?
Don’t ask me…
Because I know nothing.
At least that’s how I want things to seem,
For the first time in my life,
I’m denying myself of what I actually know.
Why?
Don’t ask me…
Because for every question you set before me –
I bleed.
For every question you bring to me –
I find answers.
Answers that I never wanted to unearth…
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The sound of shattering glass resounded in the halls, it appeared like a chamber of doom… the darkness, and the world surrounded by the ‘dark’ light… there was nothing else to hold on to… the sluggishness he made me see as he clung to me, I – leaning on the wall… and him, his face tear-stained hanging low…
“Take me back, please take me back.”
He choked in tears. Pieces of a once intact bottle on the ground. The scent of alcohol seething through him, I inhaled every wafting breath.
“Die…”
He falls gently, faltering on the ground as he held on to me as if his whole being depended on that touch… his face plastered on my thighs, arms hugging my knees, before I never thought I’d see him like this. But as years passed, it happens again and again that I’ve accustomed myself to it…
“I’d change, I’d do anything, I’ll, I’ll –”
“No, Die, you don’t have to…”
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How many times had those moments happened? My incapability to hold on to relationships always made things this way… things always had to go my way…
that’s how it works in my world…
but somehow you managed to hold on and you never let go.
It has happened so many times I’ve lost count. Even if things had turned out drastically shattered and pieced due to my faults and my failure to take notice of everything you do, it would always end up as if it was you who lacked something, like it was you who did something wrong… flattering, I think. That you loved me this much. But sickening, that with all the love you’ve given me, I don’t even know how to give it all back.
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You look so calm and collected. It makes me feel all dried up and drained.
“I’d change,”
Well, have you?
“I’d do anything,”
I thought that if you’d stop smoking, stop drinking, stop kidding around and stop being too thoughtful to everyone then I’d be happy.
And if you’d just shut up whenever I tell you to,
And you’d just keep quiet when I want my world drenched in silence
Just like how it was before you came into my life…
But now that you’ve turned into this person,
To this person that only seemed this way when I’m around…
Now that you’ve become what I’ve always pictured to be the perfect one…
Why am I not happy?
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“Die-chan!”
“Shin-chan~!”
I shiver at the sound.
And you smile… the warm feeling that I feel whenever I see your lips curl in a fancy fashion. I never took notice of it before; it was just a smile like how I often painted it. Drenched in berry colored lipstick or colored in the darkness of our Macabre days, it made no difference to me back then for at the end of the day I know I’d find those lips leaning close as it smiles to me, closing the gap, yearning for that simple touch, for that kiss… and then I, would simply deny it.
Am I a sadist…?
That smile again, how sickening, or am I just feeling this simply because your name didn’t part from my lips? And that smile wasn’t meant for me?
“Die-chan! Koko ni kite, I’m making ramen tonight!”
“Don’t come near me, Die, I’m not in the mood.”
“Uwaa~!”
“G-Gomen..”
“Motto hayaku Die-chan~!”
“Leave me alone, Die”
“Naa! Don’t leave me!”
“No.. Please don’t leave me..”
“Kao~Kao~!”
“Shinya…!”
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Hold on
Or run back.
I never thought that it would come to this. I thought that no matter how much you hurt, how much I take notice of everything but you, no matter how many times I drop you just because I’ve grown breathless out of your touch and how many times I push you away just because you seem to be always there… I thought you’d never grow tired… or perhaps I never thought about it, because deep in me I know how much you loved me. Deep in me I know how much you love me, I merely denied it.
I denied you.
I denied myself.
I didn’t have faith in you.
I had no faith for myself.
“Shinya, are you alright? Did something happen? Are you okay?”
“Nanda?”
“I thought you might have encountered something and you just didn’t make it.”
“Make it? Where?”
“Shin-chan, it’s our anniversary… did you… forget?”
“Oh, that.”
“Oh, you really did.”
“…”
“Ahaha, that’s alright~! Who needs grand celebrations anyway, ne? as long as you’re still here with me… naa!”
“Un, Die,gomen, I’ll make it up to you next time.”
“Oh, right, I’m sorry, I’ll just make it up to you next year.”
“Die, I can’t come tonight, just, don’t wait for me, I’ll just make it up to you next time”
“I’ll just make it up to you next time…”
“next time”
But will we ever have a next time?
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I never saw it coming, that week was such a mess. The storm, the practices, the photo shoots, other businesses I had to deal with… everything, everything fell in to place – as if choreographed, as if it was meant to be…
“But Shin-chan, we rarely spend time together anymore--”
“Die, this is important, why can’t you just get that”
“Shinya, you think this is more important than me?”
“Oh, you’re not doing that stunt on me, I’m going”
“Shinya! You’re missing this day again! Goddammit!”
“What day?”
“Ha! Happy anniversary Terachi Shinya, oh, I got you a gift too but I don’t think you’d bother opening it anyway like the rest of the gifts for the past few years!”
“Oh, that, that’s all this is about?”
“No! it’s not only about that!”
“Then what?”
“You’re actually expecting me to answer that question?”
“Why not?”
“Shinya, there’s only so much pain I can endure… It’s been years already,”
“…”
“ and I – for the little child that I am thought that somehow you’d start seeing things differently… but oh, nothing’s gonna change huh?”
“We’ll settle things when I get back, just, just leave me be.”
“Sure. Be my guest.”
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So that was how it felt, to come home to an empty house.
The silence,
“Okaerinasai~!”
The cold interior
“Ah, Die, you’re suffocating me! I haven’t been gone for long~! Gaah stop the embrace~ haha”
And everything that had come back to normal, back to how they were when Die still wasn’t there.
And I realize how much I want him here, just here by my side…
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It’s cold, but even colder that I know Die is on the other side of this door. To knock or not to knock. If I knock and he sees me, will he open the door? Or will he seal me out? I guess I somehow deserve it… but I don’t think I can continue on with this game any longer… I have to settle things with him… it’s already been a month of hurting, but I guess it much more to Die… he’d been hurting for years, and I didn’t even realize. How could I?
I knock once.
I knock twice.
No answer.
I knock a third time, yet I wish I didn’t the first time.
“Hai?”
He leans on the door frame, smile slowly fading.
“Die…”
I call his name. More like a whisper if I think about it now…
“Un, domo, Shinya.”
He greets me politely, as always, as if nothing’s wrong.
“Die can we…”
I burn all of my hesitations and fears, tonight is not the night to think about anything else, it’s just me, him…
“Die-chan~? Who’s on the door?”
And… Was that…? What’s he…?
“Ah, just a friend Kao! We’d just step outside!”
I’m… just… a friend?
“Nee! Why don’t you let your friend in?”
Die’s friend…
“Na, it’s alright, we’d be quick!”
It would be quick…
“Alright! Just come home right ahead, dinner’s almost ready!”
Home? Has this become your home?
“Arigatou Kao!”
Your home… with… Kaoru?
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The night, the stars, the lights… everything seemed to fade into nothing, it’s just Die’s back that I see… The image slowly shattering as I felt my eyes go warm… such unfamiliar sensation… the tears that threaten to well up and fall… I’m hurting. Hurting because of Die, I’m hurting because I know I’ve hurt Die.
“It’s quite a cold night, you shouldn’t have come.”
Why won’t you face me Die?
“Whatever it is, you could have just called me, or sent me a text message.”
“I, I had to see you personally, Die I’m –”
“If you’re going to say you’re sorry, don’t…”
“But –”
“Because I’m not”
“Die you’re –”
“I love you Shinya,”
“But I –”
“I still do,”
“Die, won’t you –”
“But I guess you just can’t take me as I am, ne?”
He smiles, it scared me,
“I love you Shinya, but it seems that you just can’t bring yourself to love me…”
“Die, you don’t understand--”
“I understand, I understand completely. I – I’m just sorry for all the wasted years you had to spend with me.”
“Die, listen to me,”
“No, please, Shinya, this time, listen to me…”
“Die…”
“I had some time to think, it’s been a month or so, I had all the time in the world to think about everything…”
Think about what?
“Thank you,”
Why are you thanking me?
“Thank you for trying, ”
What?
“I appreciate your efforts, I realized that you just couldn’t get to reject me first hand, you tried to love me, you just really can’t..”
“But I love you Die,”
He hung his head low,
“Die, I thought… I mean, I know now that I needed you then, and I need you now..”
“Need?”
“Die…”
“If you needed me then, I don’t think you need me anymore…”
“You –”
“Or it’s more like you never really needed me to begin with…”
“But –”
“You just thought you did, and I hoped you did need me, but no, we don’t need to deny ourselves of anything any more…”
“No, Die”
I felt his arms around me, strong and warm, I wanted to cry, I wanted to falter and melt into his arms, I wanted him with me, like before, and I want his warmth, everything… I just don’t want him, I need him… Die…
“I’m going to be alright…”
But I won’t be.
“You’ve always been kind to me Shin-chan…”
I’ve never been kind to anyone besides myself and my dogs.
“I’ll move on,”
Don’t move on.
“Don’t bother yourself with me anymore…”
I can’t possibly…
“I’ll be alright,”
But I won’t be..
“I promise.”
No… no! Die!
A distant voice, I hear it. Calling him from a far. He beckons him and he gently lets go… the warmth fades… and he leaves… and from a far I watch him fading away… gently going against the wind… leaving the cold, leaving the night… leaving me.
To where he sees himself fit, to where I don’t see myself...
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He looks at me directly, his eyes unreadable – stable yet soft. His hand firm on the cup of coffee and his soft locks falling off the side of his face… he curls his lips in an effeminate fashion and looks back at me.
“I’ve told you so many times, you were fully aware.”
The heat of the cup slowly eats the sugar as I spoon them softly, there was nowhere else to look at, I knew that if I stared back I’d find myself hating the rest of the world.
“You’ve always known how I felt, and you’ve always known I was up for the long wait.”
His eyes were more serious now, it fully showed his strength and his thoughts… his maturity seethes through, the two years of his better years, his two years of seniority to me.
“I’ve always watched from a far, watching silently, I just waited in silence, somehow I’ve come to the point of losing hope… thinking that you’d actually end up together…”
He talks as if he knows everything, who cares if he does?
“But now that it has come to this, I’m telling you now… I’m not letting go.”
I can’t answer back, I just can’t.
“It’s been years already… I can’t let you hurt him any longer.”
Kaoru… how I feel about you… how I feel the hatred right now, but I just can’t hate you, I just can’t.
“I have always been there whenever he needed me… and now that you’re no longer a part of the big picture, I guess we can move on together.”
“You can’t decide that on your own,”
“Shinya, you can’t decide for these things either”
“You’re one to talk, Kaoru.”
“I’m still up for this game, I’ve waited for years, you simply wasted yours.”
He stands up, his elegance mocks me, a simple slap of dignity, he’s taking what I believe is rightfully mine…
“Oh, I know what you’re thinking… You had the chance, he was yours all this time and now that he’s free from you, I’m going to be by his side… He’s no longer yours; I’m not taking anything from you…”
It stings…
It does.
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I had all the time in the world.
And up to now I still do.
Even if Kaoru took all the chances,
even if he stays by his side…
It’s still Andou Daisuke’s choice to make.
I’ve spoken to him quite often after everything that has happened…
now that he knows how I feel I can only wait…
I can only wait for the choice he has to make…
“Die… Can we start all over again…?”
Now that he knows how I feel…
“Die… grieving is long past… move on with me…”
And now that he knows how Kaoru feels…
He only needs to know how he feels…
To whom he feels greater…
And to whose side he feels fit…
I’m through denying myself,
I’ve been through these denials and all they did was shatter us…
For now…
I can only wait…
Wait…
And have faith…
That in the picture painted in his heart…
It’s still him…
And me,
Terachi Shinya
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-owari-
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