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Hiders and Seekers
Genre: erm, general… and lots of crack NC – 13 Rated for Language Status: Incomplete Pairing: KxDxS, KxGxand-the-whole-world Mode: All on Kaoru’s point of view… Uh… this is supposed to be really serious but turned out differently… anyway, I still don’t know who’d end up with who… so please send me some comments ^_^
Chapter 1
“It’s not like I asked for it –”
He started as he trapped himself in an alcohol imposed hallucination.
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“I think… I need a drink or two.”
Realize that the words ‘need’ and ‘drink’ in the same statement does not mean futile, in fact – it means a lot. And most especially, when it’s Die who’s stating the said ‘need’.
We often went out for drinks, the redhead with his insatiable thirst for alcohol – and I with my insatiable need to get out of my own cage. He often told me to loosen up a bit and stop making a music machine out of myself so he’d try to call me every night without fail… and if convincing doesn’t work he’d just put some muscles to work and start dragging me like the stiff and lazy lard that I am. I – unwilling for the first few days, realized that I must be some bothersome load to Die whenever he drags my ass off to the bar. So giving it some thought, I’ve come to consider Die’s persistent idea of fun. Bottle per bottle, our night ensues and everything seems to fall into place, all the exhaustion from the practice and the composing sessions just melts away. Fascinating what wonders a bottle of cold beer can bring… or perhaps it wasn’t just about the beer.
It was all for some sweet, or bitter – actually depends on what drink we’d buy but that’s off the point, huh , – innocent fun. The drinks, the bars and everything else that came with it, stripping off the dark and murky mood of bars and drinking joints, I’ve accustomed them to such cheery moments like whenever Die would find himself drunk like fuck and starts babbling jokes that only the two of us could comprehend. For just a couple of hours I find myself lost in a world that I love so much. In a world where there’s only me and my bittersweet moments… Lost in a world that could only be brought by few things…the bar, the night, the beer… and Die.
As I’ve said, all for fun. Between us two, we didn’t have such a need for the alcohol. I remember Die’s babbling regarding our constant visit to the bar. He firmly stated in a sluggish and half gurgling voice, with a matching raised finger that no, he isn’t alcoholic and neither was I, it was all for fun and relaxation. He said we needed it, after all the hard work that we’ve done. And his trademark smile would come afterwards.
So when he said he needed a drink or two, I knew there was something definitely wrong.
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But oh well, I should have prepared myself then. I somehow saw it coming anyway. Starting from the uncharacteristic trance fest that Die lost himself into a week before and the somehow raging beat that he was sporting – I felt something was up.
Die, in reality, is calm and collected. Anyone would definitely find that actually believing by just hearing his calm and soothing voice. Between Die and the rest of the world, he was the light of Dir en Grey. Kami-sama knows how many times this band had come near its end if not only for his spirit to make things right and make everyone, well, generally happy. He was the seemingly childish member of this troop that would always pop some uncalled for act just to make everyone smile. Making everyone happy, that’s what he always did. So when he just stopped smiling and cracking some joke one practice session, I felt heavy inside.
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It wasn’t just Die anyway. Toshiya wasn’t in the mood that day – staring at his phone for like centuries, Shinya was drumming like a three year-old hitting milk cans and Kyo wasn’t sleeping. Toshiya not in a giddy mood? Shinya not in the mood for blast beats? Kyo… not in the couch – sleeping? Something must really be wrong with the world today.
I called for a break.
Desperate and nearly exhausting all life force out of my system I went off to the fire exit shuffling my hair like a retard.
Then, there he was. In a sitting position taking long drags out of his cigar.
Oblivious of anyone’s presence I swiftly swooped down to take his stick and took it for myself. Seating next to him, I saw his eyes still wide from surprise – staring like I was a monster of some sort.
“What?”
I asked, brows raised.
“Uh…”
He was lost, somehow I knew he was. I continued babbling just to give a light feeling to the environment. Environment my crap, Kaoru, you just wanted to make Die feel better. Yeah.
“What? Can’t share smoke with your good old pal?”
“Kao, you never liked Salem lite,”
“Oh, but what if I’m out of supply? And I’m dying without it? Shouldn’t I be excused from the brand discrimination?”
“Ne, you said it’s too light for you… and well, every puff we’re dying so how’d you die from not taking it? You’re actually doing yourself a favor.”
“Oh, the cancer stick talk, ne? Just like what Shinya says –”
Hah, Shinya, got it.
That did it. The word, no, the name – the name Shinya. I knew it, I just had to press it on.
“Something wrong, Die? You’ve become awfully quiet.”
I know there’s something wrong, Die, come on tell me.
Shifting his weight to another side, he gave his head a little scratch and laughed lightly.
“Just… Just some things in my head. Gomen, Kao.”
Gomen? What’s up with you?
“You know, Die, whatever it is we can talk about it.”
“Nah, guess I just have to sleep it over.”
Sleep… Right…
“Alright, you go home right away, I’ll wrap things up.”
“Huh? No, you don’t have to, I’m good to go. The day’s not yet done.”
You’re not good to go, baka. You’re not yourself today.
“You got to be kidding me. No one’s in the mood today, ne? We can’t make music like this.”
I can’t make music with you like this.
“Saa, I guess you’re right. Heh, you’re always right, aren’t you. And you do things right too. I wish I could be less like me and be more like you, Leader-sama”
I’m not. I’m not always right, and I can’t do things right either - because if I were and if I could, I wouldn’t be here making a total fool of myself.
He started to walk away. Or swaying, whatever.
“Daisuke,”
Auburn eyes stared for a moment meeting my dark ones. And it felt like the sky was falling, dragging me with it.
“Call me, for anything…”
“Arigatou… Kaoru”
As the door flipped closed, he was gone.
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“What’s up, nya? Die~suki just snatched his trash bags and headed for the door.”
Toshiya, still clutching his phone, asked.
“He’s not feeling well, so we’re packing up.”
I told them with a straight face, it’s final.
“Oh? But, we still have to practice don’t we?”
Uh, wait, did he just say that? Did the warumono just say that with such puzzled conviction that he sounded like he still wanted to practice?
“Ah, Kyo, did you say something?”
“I said: Oh? But, we still have to practice don’t we?”
My face fell flat, or at least I imagined it looking that way anyway.
“What, you want to hear it a third time? I said: Oh? But, we –”
“No, no, I was just thinking that you must have wanted to come home and well, uh, sleep? Or do something with… someone?”
Yeah, like before when you’d speed off to see that little doll of yours. Uh… matte… Did I just call him a doll? Kami, the world’s growing insane…!!
“Nah, I thought I got to work double time and even over time, you know, like old days.”
No, Kyo, there were no old days that involved you wanting to practice this much. Youkai, dare ka?! Get the hell out of our vocalist’s body-!
“You hear me?”
Wait, no, he really wanted to practice.
“Ah, yeah, gomen, Kyo but I’m not feeling well either and I think we’re all not really fit for practice.”
“So we’re done for today?”
Toshiya gave a face twisting pout.
“Yeah, that’s what I said.”
At that, I just heard the door clicking as it closed. Shinya, gone. Without even as much as an ‘Un’ as a good-bye.
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As I treaded along the dusty streets away from the studio I wondered right then and there if my fears had finally been realized.
I shuddered at the thought – I did. But I guess there was no helping it. I’ve had knowledge of it for so long. But being the selfish man that I was, I dared not encourage it. I didn’t want to be just the best friend, the confidant. I wanted him to see more of me and less of the other people around us. I wanted him to see me… to see me the way I see him.
But there’s nothing else to it, huh? Nothing else.
“Saa, I guess you’re right. Heh, you’re always right, aren’t you. And you do things right too. I wish I could be less like me and be more like you, Leader-sama”
Leader-sama, that’s all I am and all I’ll ever be. Words of respect never stung like this before. This has been the only moment in my life where I didn’t want to be above from the rest. I just want to be right here, or just there, not the one looked up to. I just want to be me, Niikura Kaoru, or Kaoru-kun… or Kao, just Kao. Not anyone or anything else.
“I wish I could be less like me and be more like you, Leader-sama…”
But one thing you didn’t know, you’re perfect just the way you are.
And if my fears have finally been realized, then all the perfection that you are will then be in the arms of another…
Ne, Die? Have you come to tell him… finally?
“Sugoi… Ne, Kao, do you ever wonder how he can do that?”
“What, vomit on the spot?”
“Na! Not Kyo,I meant, uh… him. ”
“Huh? Shinya-?”
“Who else?”
“Ne, Andou Daisuke, you’re not saying you’re –”
“Whoa! Why did it suddenly become so warm in here? Want a drink Kao? I’ll go get us some coke!”
“Uh, yeah, sure.”
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“Uh… remind me why you’re here again?”
Faced with a pouting warumono soaking wet inside my apartment, I can’t help but wonder – what in the world is he doing at my place in the middle of the night?!
“Uh, you have cookies?”
He said nonchalantly.
“What the –”
“I’m hungry, I’ve been walking all day.”
He said while bopping his sloppy hair, I swear that would stain my carpet.
“Uh… sure, I got cookies.”
Ones that Die got me last week.
“Feed me!”
Walking back and forth, taking towels, coffee mugs, ash trays and yes – cookies, I finally got to sit in front of him –
“So, again, what are you doing here?”
“Whai mwarn awray”
He said, his mouth half full of cookies.
“What?”
“Whai wsard whai mwarn awray! ”
“God dammit Kyo, I can’t understand a thing you’re saying.”
Reaching for the mug, without any consciousness for the heat, the little blonde monster emptied half of the cup.
“You’re asking me things then when I answer – you get all nuclear on me, you’re screwed!”
He said with much conviction, throwing an accusing finger on to me.
“Ah, right, the man who gave you food and shelter for the night – is screwed.”
“Now you’re getting all angst on me!”
Fingers clutching his chest, I would have fallen for that if only he wasn’t Kyo.
“Ah, shut up or I’ll throw you out. Now, talk.”
He gave a half hearted grin.
“Geez, Kao, you’re tighter than any stuck up man I’ve ever known.”
Right.
“It’s a wonder how Die puts up with you.”
Die…
“Okay, is this talk supposed to be about me? ‘Cause if it is, excuse me but I got better things to do.”
I was caught half rising from my chair.
“See! That’s it! You’re all so tuned up and intense, you don’t see anything else! Fuck this shit!”
“O~kay… So this isn’t about me, isn’t it?”
“Gackt’s a bitch!”
I choked.
“What?”
“Gackt’s a big bad ass bitch! A complete job obsessive freak! Not to mention his obsession with his neat and tidy carpet!”
Ouch.
“Wait, Kyo, hold up, what happened?”
“I ran away, ‘cause he’s being a bitch…~You must understand Tooru…,I got to work Tooru~ You needs me now~ Masa asked me to stay over night~ Chacha’s got something going on~ blah blah blah~~~ ”
Little gestures with each hand, he looked somewhat childish.
“O~kay… so Gackt’s hands are full right now.”
“Full? Dammit, what an understatement, it’s like we’re all just sharing a little pillow or something.”
“Huh? Share? We?”
“Me, and the god damn GacktJOB.”
“Oh,”
“When you get to our place you’d think it’s still vacant ‘cause it’s aaaalllllll so clean and tidy and everything’s in place.”
“Uh, shouldn’t that be the case?”
I said still cupping my coffee.
“Kaoru!”
Drats, almost spilled it.
“Alright, alright, go on.”
“Okay, so I have issues, I love my safety pins so I keep them around, but then he goes all mother hen on me… but wait he’s got some considerations! Let’s see, what about You?!”
“Uh, me?”
“Not you! I meant You! As in sleek violinist – You.”
“Ah, okay.”
“He has some issues too! What about his incessant need for paper towels? Isn’t that as irritating too? Hell, I hate them all!”
“Kyo, I think you just need to talk things out with him.”
I’m one to talk, huh.
“How can you talk to someone who’s not even there?”
Ah, right, I got that.
“Oh,”
“And that goes for you too.”
And it all fell silent.
“Well, it’s been years of hiding aready…”
“I dunno Kyo, it’s not that easy. Can’t talk to him… He seemed so distant these days.”
He shifted on the couch, eyes still on me, I wonder if it’s still about Gackt or is it gonna be about me… and… Die…
“Well that always seems to be the case,”
“Yeah, but well, I think it’s a little different now…”
“That’s just your hesitation talking shit…”
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The phones rings. Again, and again and again. My mind all clogged up and my hands full, I just can’t bother myself with anything else anymore… I won’t answer that fucking beeping machine…
“Mori~ Mori~? The home of the most stuck up man you’ll ever get to know~ how may I help you~?”
Then again, there was that little warumono.
Dammit.
I mouthed him a simple ‘no’, making slashing movements with my arms gesturing that I won’t take any calls for now. Damn, those record deals… you just can’t have any peaceful moment in this industry.
“Oh, yeah, nah, he says he can’t be bothered.”
Good answer.
“Hm? Oh, he’s out flirting with that new neighbor of his, he’d been eyeing that for a week now…”
Oh, I’m so gonna kill you.
“Wah, haha~! Yeah, can you imagine? Na? Why will I ever lie to you? Seriously, Die-kun – ”
Wait, Die? Hand me the phone you little devil!
Haha. I’ve snatched the phone… though it’s just a number of inches, height still does matter… Ohohoho~ Chisubahgah!
“Die? Daisuke?”
“Geez, Kao, what did I tell you about flirting with strangers?”
“Die!”
“No, really Kao, I’m disappointed.”
“Oh, I’m so gonna feed you your guitar when I get my hands on you.”
He chuckles.
“So the cookie monster raided your den?”
“Uh-huh~ and you’re cookies from last week? Pray for them if you may,”
“Ahaha”
I talked on as I saw the prancing little devil in my living room. Ah, the cookies, I would never forget our peaceful moments together…
“Ah, nee, Kao,”
“Nanda?”
“Arigatou ne, for the rest, hehe, guess I needed it.”
“Well, it was kind of obvious to me, nah?”
>Crash< >Static< >Beep< >And some random phone wrestling<
“Die? Nee, Die? Hello??”
“Kaoru-san?”
That low, deep, silken voice… That can’t be Die.
“Hello? Kaoru-san? Are you there?”
“Wait, what are you? Is this?”
“Yes, yes, it’s me, is he there?”
“Uh… who?”
And the phone crashes again.
“*Sigh* So you see Kao, I didn’t call you randomly.”
“Wait, was that?”
Glancing back again at the little white devil now with splotches of chocolate all over his face… I thought slow and sighed.
“God, so he came to your place?”
“Yes, and he’s searching all over… ”
“It’s that bad?”
“Uh… you really wanna know?”
“Nope,”
“I thought so, so…”
“So…?”
“So… If we crash your place…”
“Die you’re not going to----”
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Before my eyes, I saw my apartment crash down.
Nah, just kidding.
But really, it’ll come close if they. don’t. fucking. stop.
I swear they’ll bring my fully furnished, and may I mention fully polished and cleaned and maintained la dee dah, apartment down with their squabbles.
“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I’m not going back!!”
Fingers firmly clutching my carpet Kyo was almost clutching for dear life.
“Oh god, not my purple la crème custom carpet!”
“Oh god, not his purple la crème custom carpet!”
“Daisuke!”
“Humor me, you’re not the one tugging an awful ton of lard!”
“I’m not fat!”
“Cookie monster, please! Stop this nonsensical ramble! Come home with me already!”
And Gackt for all the languages that he knows – says that in English, while hiding behind my kitchen counter trying to evade Kyo’s projectiles.
“Don’t Cookie Monster me! And don’t talk to me in English ‘cause I didn’t get much of that in high school! Now go home to your You! To your Masa! Or or to your Chachawarumono!”
Ugh. Another plate, down.
“No, no! Come on now Tooru!”
“Gaah! I don’t even like that name! Go away your Mad Aristocrat!”
Pin~ pon~ one cup, down.
“Alright, Kyo, come on now, please.”
Oh, no, not that lamp. No Kyo, not that lamp please.
“Uh, Kyo, you do know what you’re holding right?”
Hai, all hail Die.
Right then, Kyo snaps out of his um, well… BF.
What BF?
Bitch Fit.
“Uh, oh, gomen ne, I won’t crash this Birthday Lamp, gomen~”
One,
Two,
Three.
“But I’m not coming home with you! No! Never! Naaaaah!!”
“I got you two boxes of cookies~”
“I’m not coming!”
“Two boxes of chocolate chip cookies~”
“Nooooo I’m not a kid!”
“Two boxes of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies~”
“No! I don’t want to!”
“Alright Kyo, no more Mr. Nice Gackt.”
“Uh, you mean there was?”
“I’m taking you with me even if takes me all of my vampiric years!”
“No, no, nooooooooooooooooooooooo….. Tasukete!! Dare moi! Kaoru! Die! Help! Heeeeeeeellllllllppppppp!!”
Poor Kyo, dragged away by vicious ol’ Gackt.
Still, it resounded in the halls. Kyo’s squeeking ---
Lemme go Lemme go Lemme go Lemme go Lemme go Lemme go Lemme go
Lemme gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
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“Purple la crème carpet, check. Seven Twilight Chinas, check. Guitar portrait, check. And birthday lamp, check. There goes everything, Kao. All safe and sound, yah.”
Slouching off beside him, handing him a cold glass of lemon tea, I found it some how lonely that Kyo had already gone. Or better yet, had already been taken away.
The house had become quiet, save for the tingling of the paper chime that Kyo had left when he came in. The place stayed cool and quiet. The silence lurked into our souls; it was too much silence, too silent for my taste.
Die was just there, sitting beside me. He was leaning against the throw pillows, idly eyeing the frames across the room. The tea sitting on his lap was forming stain circles on his jeans, it must have felt cold and yet he doesn’t even wince. If not for the slow and uneven sighing that he’s been sporting, I would definitely think that he had started spacing out already.
And the heaving continues, now coming from my side. Whatever it was that occupied Die, it’s definitely disturbing me now. I am, after all, his best friend – his confidant, a part of him as how I wished I would be after all the years that we have been together as the guitarists of Dir En Grey. I wondered greatly whatever it was that he was thinking of.
After the itching thoughts, I guess I should ask first hand…
“Die --”
“Kao,”
“Un?”
“I think… I need a drink or two.”
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I had beer at home; I’ve always kept a case and a bunch of can bundles at the back of my pantry. That’s because once upon a time, three oddly dyed heads frequented my place for beer. And I guess I’ve accustomed myself to it.
I had beer at home but Die insisted that he had better at his place. It wasn’t such a stroll in the park; it was cold outside and was already dark, my coat – although stylish and had been bought in half price back at Hong Kong only served half of the warmth that it was supposed to give me. Damn. Remind me never get attracted with these half priced clothes ever again.
“Hai, dozo.”
Neat as always. Though I was named as the obsessive-compulsive neat freak, Die’s apartment was usually in place. Though very boyish and childish, there was a neaty-nanny under that façade. And the scent, his scent, his apartment was splurged with it. Intoxicating.
“So, Die, anything you want to talk about?”
He smoothly walks off to his fridge and brings out a bucket of beer. Ice cold as it seemed, cold smoke was wafting out of it. He sets the whole bucket on his glass coffee table and reaches under it for an ash tray.
It was as if I was talking to no one.
He then pops two of the bottles together, the cold bubbles spilling off on the table. One beer handed to me, and another he takes for himself.
“Cheers Kao!”
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Back then, it only took two suffocating bottles of the lightest beer to make a grieving Andou Daisuke crack. But now, seeing that he’s finishing off his fifth and still not talking, I’m thinking that this is somehow serious.
Or maybe I was wrong.
And there wasn’t really anything to begin with.
But then again, I was just off for my third beer and Die was like participating in a drinking contest.
“Bullshit Die, talk.”
He chuckles.
He chuckles ever so softly.
Then he presses his forehead on the table.
He closes his eyes and his hair falls off to the side of his face, concealing his amber orbs away.
He smiles in a painful trance, his smile had lost its spark.
And as he moved his fingers in a circling, painting fashion, I feel him heave.
“….ya”
He mumbles under his breath. It was almost unrecognizable but as long as it came from Die’s lips then I know I’d recognize it anywhere.
He chuckles again. He’s drunk, I know. It’s his ninth beer now, if his bladder doesn’t burst any moment now, I know mine will.
He mumbles, he chuckles, he looked crazy to me. Giggling under his breath and later on frowns, his head still firmly laid on the table. Then slowly yet noticeably, he grows silent.
“It’s not like I asked for it –”
He started as he trapped himself in an alcohol imposed hallucination.
“I’m not a god damn queer Kao! I’m not fucking gay!”
Damn. That stings.
He slams his fist on the table, the empty bottles then tremble with him.
Tears spilling, face flushed… I know, he’s hurting.
“It’s… It’s just him.”
And it happens.
What I’ve always feared.
“I didn’t start anything, I didn’t say anything. I just stayed around, waiting, watching… But then he said he needed me… I was so happy…”
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