Love Desire

by Jerien

Chapter 4: My Death and the Last Goodbye

The Villa, 3am.

“ So honey, how was your outing with Die-kun today? Did you enjoy it?”

Toshiya was sitting on one corner of the bed wrapping himself with the white silky covers. He was spacing out that he didn’t hear the question.

“Toshiya…” Gakuto gently sat before the younger one and brought his face to face him.

“What happened?”

“Die confessed to me at the beach when we were watching the sunset…”

“Arara…isn’t that a good thing…I don’t have much time these days to spend with you, so maybe it’s good to get a boyfriend….he can maybe accompany you to do all those things that you’ve always wanted to do like dates and stuff…” Gakuto stood up and went to dress himself only to feel the gentle tug on the right side of his bathrobe.

“Nani…?”

“I thought you said that you didn’t want anyone to touch me or come near me…”

Gakuto turned and embraced the younger one gently.

“ I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since you started college…the reason I forbid anyone to have any contact with you was because I was afraid that people would hurt you…but you seem to have found some happiness having friends in school now, so I have decided to just maybe trust you a bit more and let you do what you think is best for you…after all…I promise you that I will not interfere…as long as it’s your decision…”

Gakuto gently placed a kiss on Toshiya’s lips.

“I maybe the one feeling lonely soon but I just want you to be happy… You are very precious to me, Toshiya…”

“My happiness….?”

Two weeks had passed since the outing; there had been no other progress between the two men since then. Die was avoiding Toshiya because he didn’t want to be left to face the awkwardness whilst Toshiya did not expressly ask about Die. Kaoru and Shinya sensed this however they thought that it perhaps would be better if they didn’t get involved.

“ Ne, Toshiya…do you know what has happened to Die-senpai?”

“ Iie…I haven’t seen him for quite some time now, isn’t he busy helping you brother with the Student council’s work?”

“ Aniki said that Die had not turned up for several meetings now…”

“ Shinya…don’t worry, soon, Die will come back to the Student Council to help Kaoru-senpai…Anyway, I come today to tell you that today is my last day in college. I will be leaving tomorrow. I just want to thank you for taking care and helping me with my college life all this while.”

“ Nani?!!!! Where are you going? What are you going to do???!!!! You haven’t even finish a semester?!!!”

“ Well, like Kyo said…I guess I was just fooling around…I never had any desire to achieve big things in my life…I came here because I was bored in the house and just wanted a little bit of fun…I just wanted to know how college life was…and now it’s time for me to leave….I think I have created enough stress and discomfort for everyone already…”

“ Are you leaving because of Die?”

“ No…it’s not his fault, without him, I would have left anyway…tell you a secret…but you have to promise not to tell anyone…”

“ Nani…?”

“ I will be leaving for the US tomorrow…and I don’t know when I will be back…”

“ Why all of a sudden…”

“ Shinya…please take care of yourself and keep an eye on Die for me ne…I love him a lot, ya noe?”

Toshiya gave a quick peck on Shinya’s cheeks and left.

“ Toshiya!!! Why don’t you tell Die-senpai yourself????!!!!!!! Wait Toshiya….!!!!!”

Toshiya kept running heading towards the exit of the college because he didn’t want to regret his decision. When Shinya was no longer chasing after him, he slowed down his pace. Toshiya was walking slowly towards the car park to wait for his ride when a black vehicle stopped abruptly in front of him. Several men stepped down and before Toshiya knew what was happening, he felt a surge of pain shooting from the back of his neck and he lost consciousness.

Toshiya awake to the sounds of several men talking and cursing.

“ Hey, does Gakuto know about the kid yet?”

“ The Boss said that everything will be settled tonight, we just have to bring the kid over…”

“ I can’t wait to see the expression on Gakuto’s face when he realized that we have kidnapped his most precious treasure….hahahahaha….have you heard about the rumour that whoever controls this kid controls the entire Gakuto Empire….imagine how much we would get from this…”

“ Gakuto had been keeping this a secret in the Underworld for many years however words travel around and they say the he possesses something which he sees more valuable than his own life…and anyone who possesses that thing bears the mark of a pair of black angelic wings. Rumours also said that if anyone wanted to threaten him, all they have to do is capture this thing….but who would’ve known that that ‘thing’ was a brat….hahahaha….”

Toshiya felt the coldness of the chains and locks on his hands and legs. Somehow this reminded him of something that had happened long time ago.

Since the day I became conscious about my existence, I realized that I was never intended to be in this world. My birth was a mistake. I was the result of an extra-marital affair which turn sour. My father a famous politician and an illegitimate child was a nightmare and a threat to his status. When I turned five and the affair was officially over. I was brought into my father’s main family as an adopted child. Ironically, when the press found out that my father had adopted a child, everyone praised him for being charitable and the next year he became mayor of the city. However, within the family, I was never a part of it. I was not loved by anyone nor did I love anyone because there was no one beside me. No matter how seasons changed and how much time had passed, it was all the same to me…my memories since I was young was plain darkness, the constant beatings, cursing and swearing never stopped and I had given up fighting altogether. At times I just wished that one of them would just kill me and then maybe I could escape the living hell. At times, I just took my own life only to be saved not because anyone cared but because the family did not want a bad name.

One day, as if God had taken sympathy on me. I met Kyo in high school. Kyo had always taken interest in me, he led me out from my wounds and suffering and showed me a part of heaven that I never knew was possible. However, perhaps it was true that my existence itself was a mark of a sin. It was perhaps my destiny that a top leader of a large Yakuza Group who was affiliated with my father found me attractive and without my notice, my father had given me away as a present to them. That was how I became Gakuto’s possession. Two years ago, after that accident…I remain with Gakuto. Gakuto told me that he will never let me go, but in exchange of my freedom, he will help Kyo achieve his dreams as best as he can. I knew that Kyo had always wanted to become a singer and a musician and he was good at it. His music was his soul. However, Kyo came from a poor family and didn’t have the opportunity to venture further with his talents. Gakuto’s offer was a ticket for Kyo’s happiness. I never had any freedom in the first place and I wanted to do something for Kyo, if I cannot be with him, I wanted to give him the best farewell present for he was my first true love. I agreed and I decided to never use my last name again and told everyone that I met later that I do not know who I really am because I had amnesia since the “accident”.

Since I gave up my freedom, I never desired anything. There was no longer any meaning to life. However, things began to change when I realized that Gakuto did care for me in a special way. He treated me preciously and never forced himself on me. He was always putting my happiness before anything else and slowly I started to open up to him. Soon, I felt that maybe…just maybe…I could fall in love with him. When we were together, even though I could not demand things that normal couples could do when they were on a date, yet I was just satisfied that he was with me and he tried his best to always come to me when I was feeling lonely. But one day, as if a reality check was done to me, I realized that Gakuto was never mine to begin with. Even though he was a Yakuza, he was a happily married man with two lovely daughters and a very capable wife who helped him with his business. I realized that I was the third person in his extra-marital affair. I was walking the path that my mum had been on and I have become the type of person I most despise.

Even though I could not leave Gakuto, I could no longer desire his love. Days only went by where I acted to please him and that was it. To me he is special because he cared for me and allowed me to go to college and do what I wanted. However, each time I am with him, it will only remind me of my own sins and my unwanted existence. If only I had never existed…

Then I met Die, Die’s presence was like a sun that I had not seen for a long time…his warmness and his cheerful spirit sweeps me away from reality even if it was just for a short while, it was more than what I could asked for. When he said he loved me, I was overwhelmed. Even though it turned out to be a joke, but at least I was happy that the thought of loving me did pass by his mind for that brief second. That was enough for me. Even if we will not be able to be together…that was enough...for me….

“ Hey guys…”

“ Look, the brat is finally awake…”

“ What is it?”

“ This will not work…Gakuto will just end up killing you and everyone else…I don’t matter that much to him…he will not be threatened…”

“ What are you saying?????!!!!!!!!! Shut up, brat!!!!!!”

“ It’s true, I made him make a promise and he always keeps his promises….”

“ But if he doesn’t come and save you, do you have any idea what will happen to you?”

Toshiya remained silent.

“ If you are worthless, then you deserve nothing but death…” The man pointed a gun under towards Toshiya’s chest, aiming for the area where the heart is.

“ Let’s see if the brat can still talk big now…!!!!!!! Hahahahha…..!!!!!”

Toshiya caught the man hand in his, pulling the heavy chains together with him and pressed the gun closer to his chest.

“ Kill me…”

The man started to panic when he saw the seriousness in Toshiya’s eyes. His vision marked his clear intention to seek death. Then Toshiya proceeded to guide the man to pull the trigger and in a brief second, two shots were fired. Toshiya collapsed onto the floor and instantly he became surrounded by a pool of blood.

“ What have you done….you idiot…..!!!!!”

“ Oh shit, Gakuto is going to kill us……!!!!!!!!!!”

“ Let’s run……………!!!!!!!!!!!”

Before the men could escape the abandoned warehouse, they realized that they have been surrounded by Gakuto’s men. More gun shots sounded from the warehouse.

“ Die…”

“ DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“ Huh?”

“ Can you quit spacing out already?”

“ Sorry….what were saying?”

“ I’m saying that Toshiya is leaving for the US tomorrow, aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

“ Kaoru….what should I be doing….the guy doesn’t feel anything for me…”

“ Die-senpai…I knew you were dense sometimes, but I didn’t know you were that stupid….”

“ Oi…that still hurts you know, Shin-chan…”

“ Toshiya told me today to keep an eye on you because he love you very much….think about it, senpai….have you said something that created a misunderstanding?”

“ Well, that day at the beach, I confessed to him and because he was not saying anything, I felt awkward and told him that it was just a joke and he didn’t need to take me seriously…”

“ That must be it then…!!!”

“ What?”

“ Die-senpai, when Toshiya left, he seems a lot less genki than he usually is…I think he must have felt a bit disappointed when you said that it was all a joke…”

“ Well, at that time I thought it would perhaps make him feel better….that is why I said it, cause he seemed quite uneasy about the confession.”

“ I think maybe I should show you this…” Kaoru took out a brown envelope and threw it towards Die.

“ This is everything I could find about Toshiya…maybe after you read it you would understand why he is the way he is now…”

Die took some time to digest and absorb the contents of the paper that was before him. He was on the verge of tears by now.

“How could he still be laughing to us and smile and joke when he has to bear all of this pain on his shoulders….that BAKA!!!!!!!” Die hit his fist angrily on the sofa. He was not angry of Toshiya but he was angry of himself for being unable to realize this himself.

“ How dare I say I love him when I don’t know anything about him…and yet, he still says he loves me……..” Die was crying and he tried his best to hide his face with his arm.

Kaoru sat next to Die and gently patted his shoulders.

“ Hey…go look for him…there is still time for a last try…Gakuto’s club is just down the main street, if you are lucky, you might just be able to make it…”

Die looked at Kaoru and Kaoru smiled to him, reassuring him that everything will be fine. Die smiled finally and there was a hint of determination in his wet eyes.

Die ran down the main street heading towards the famous nightclub as fast as he could. He though he was lucky when he saw Gakuto leaving the club with his bodyguards.

“Hey wait up!!!!”

Gakuto’s bodyguards immediately charged forward to protect their leader only to be stopped by Gakuto.

“ I need to speak to you…” Die panted heavily, exhausted from all the running.

“ I’m busy, maybe another time, Die-kun…” Gakuto said coldly.

“ You….how did you know my name…”

“ It is you, isn’t it?...The one Toshiya loved…”

“ Toshiya?”

“ I really have no time for you, Die-kun…but if you really want to see Toshiya, you can ride with me…we can talk in the car…”

After much driving, the car stopped in front of white building which states “Private Hospital”. Die stared at it in amaze. He knew Gakuto was rich but he didn’t he was so rich as to be able to have his own hospital.

“ Hey why are we here?”

“ Toshiya was shot twice in a kidnapping yesterday, he is seriously wounded and…” Before Gakuto could finish his words, Die had already rushed toward the entrance. The bodyguards rushed forward to chase after him only to be stopped again by Gakuto.

“ Let him be…”

Once entered the front door, Die immediately rushed towards the counter and dragged the lady nurse by her collar.

“ TELL ME!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS HE????????!!!!!!!!!!”

“ Please let go, sir…you’re hurting me?”

Die realized he was acting impolitely and tried his best to calm down a bit.

“ I’m sorry…I am asking about Toshiya…I heard he was admitted…”

“ Ah, Toshiya-kun is on the 10^th floor but you have to wait outside till the doctors finish checking on him…”

“ Thank you.”

Die immediately went to the closest life and pressed the button that said ‘10’. He had never felt that a lift could take so long to get to the 10^th floor, even though it was less a minute, Die felt as if it had been the passing of a whole century and with every level that he had passed, his heart beats faster. He was so glad when the lift door opened and he was the tenth floor. Surprisingly it there was only one room on the tenth floor. The signal on the door stated “under consultation” in red and Die knew he will have to wait patiently until the doctors came out. He waited and waited and finally a group of four doctors exited from the room.

“ Sensei…how is he?”

“ He is very weak and his has lost a lot of blood…will need to see how he progress over tonight…”

“ Can I see him…?”

“ You might as well…”

“ Thank you, sensei….”

Die walked quietly into the room not wanting to frighten the younger one. Toshiya was lying on the bed with several pins and tubes crossing over his frail body. It hurt Die to see in such a state but it hurt Die even more that he was not able to smile for him. Toshiya always smiled when he was with Die. His smile was ever so angelic and innocent.

“ Toshiya…” Die held gently on to the cold hands and placed in on his cheeks, rubbing them once in a while to keep them warm. Die cried, the pain in his heart was unbearable anymore. He didn’t want to lose Toshiya…

Suddenly there was a small twitch from one of his finger. Die immediately looked up at the younger one face. It was barely visible but Die could see the small smile that Toshiya had put on for him.

“ Toshiya?”

“ ….D….Di….e…”

“ Hey, don’t force yourself….just rest ok?”

Toshiya weakly lifted his hand and tried his best to remove the oxygen mask away from his face.

“ Let me go get the doctor…”

“ No….stay…here….”

Die could not say no…Toshiya had such a pleading eyes on him.

“ Ok, I will stay beside you….I will stay beside you as long as you want me to…”

Toshiya smiled again. His weak hands touched Die’s.

“ Toshiya…I’m sorry…I lied when I said that it was a joke…I really love you but I thought you didn’t love me that is why I said it was a joke so that I thought you will be relieve…”

Toshiya just shook his head slightly.

“ Toshiya…listen to me….I love you….I really do….and I want to be together with you….I don’t care if Yakuzas are going to kill me or what….I just want to be with you….I’m going to get you out of here and then when you get better we will go to the sea and watch the sunset again….I don’t care what happened in the past, we can start a new life together…please, Toshiya….stay strong….”

“ I…would like….that…very…much….”

“ Toshiya…”

“ I….love…you…too….Die….”

Die leaned in closer towards Toshiya as Toshiya said those magical words that Die had always wanted to hear. Gently, Die kissed Toshiya. It was passionate and both men kept declaring their love for one another. But as much as Die didn’t want to stop the kissing, Toshiya’s lips movement became fainter and soon it was motionless. Sensing this, Die immediately broke away.

“Toshiya?”

Toshiya was no longer breathing and his eyes were closed. But even then, he was still smiling….

Epilogue

2 years later…

“ Hey where do you think you are going, quit slacking off and get back to work already….!!!”

“ Shin-chan…you’re being such a meanie…I’m just going out for a fag break…won’t be a second…”

“ Nii-san….look at him…!!! I don’t understand how he is able to get such a good business despite such attitude…”

“Well, he is THE BOSS and after all Die has his charms…”

“ Do you think he has gone to that place again?”

“ Well, it is sunset already…look, Shinya…isn’t it ironic…it is so beautiful but yet so short-lived…”

Die walked slowly on the shore of the beach, allowing the soft warm sand to caress his tired feet. He finally found the same old spot that he loved to sit and sat down.

“ Toshiya…look…the sun is setting…”

“ Today’s business was very good too…thanks to you….you must have been blessing the store since it opened…guess having a guardian angel like you around me isn’t so bad after all eh…?”

Die buried his face in between his arms and knees and sighed heavily.

“ Even though I think it would be better if you were physically here beside me…”

“ Why did you have to go, Toshiya…? I miss you….”

Suddenly a pair of warm hands enveloped Die’s body and before Die could turn to see who it was, a pair of warm lips caught his and a familiar scent intruded his nostrils.

“ To…shi…ya….?”

“ Tadaima….”

Die was on the verge of tears when he saw the younger one. He immediately hugged the younger one tightly.

“ Ne, I just been to the shop…Shinya had an angry face on….did you slack off again and left all the work to Shinya…?”

“ Haha….you caught me….” Die stuck out his tongue and scratched him head in embarrassment.

“I saw Kaoru-senpai too, I’m so happy to see everyone seems to be doing just fine…haha…”

“You look fine too…as beautiful as ever…”

“Die…thank you…”

“ Nani?”

“Thank you for loving me…and allowing me to watch this sunset again beside you…now I see that life is beautiful after all….”

“You really had me worried when you suddenly stopped breathing then….”

“ Haha…all I could remember was that when I was alone in that pitch black darkness, I could only hear your voice calling me back…I followed that voice and…”

“And you came back to me…Toshiya…O kaerinasai…”

Toshiya allowed Die to pull him closer to his side and rested his head on Die’s shoulders. He had a contented smile on his face.

“ So how is Gakuto- sama…”

“ He is finally preparing his early retirement and spend some time with his family…the business would be pass on to his elder daughter…Nana-chan have a very strong personality, just like her father…I’m sure she will be able to create her own empire.”

“ So Gakuto-sama kept his promise…yet again…”

“ Hai…Gakuto-sama killed my family because he found out that they were abusing me and my father had raped me…even then I could not hate him…No doubt our relationship all started when Gakuto realized that I was his lucky charm and he used me for that purposes, but then after, he did really cared about me and I owed that much of my life to him…”

“ Is that why when he asked you to go the US with for a business deal just to bring luck to his deal, you said yes without even discussing it with me….? I was really hurting when you left…somehow, I’m jealous that another man’s interest takes priority over me in your heart…”

“ Die…Gakuto will always have a special place in my heart, but…the one and only one I love now is you...there is no one I love more than you….”

“ Its only now that you’re talking…you didn’t even say goodbye when left, you just left me a heartless note beside my bed…”

“ I owed my life to Gakuto and I wanted to repay him, when I killed myself in order to save Gakuto from feeling threatened by the other gangs, I repaid my debt using my life and as a farewell gift, I decided to go to the US to help him one last time and bring his as much fortune as I could bring him. I did it all so that I could end that chapter in my life and now I want to start a new chapter with you…just you only….”

“ Toshiya….I love you…”

“ I love you too, Die…”

Both men kissed passionately, fully indulged in a world of their own. Two broken souls seeking for each other so desperately.

“ Die…look…the sun is setting….”

“ Toshiya…tomorrow…let’s see the sunrise together…ne?”

“ Hai…”

END

Dear Minna-san,

It’s been a long, long time since I last wrote a fanfic (and a completed one too). Haha….I hope that everyone will enjoy reading this. Any comments or criticisms please send to me at jerienx@hotmail.com.

Enjoy!

Jerien

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