Unexpected
by Lili-chan

Chapter One

Toshiya's eyes wandered around the institution as the nurse led him to his room. Screams of other patients could be heard through out the hallways. He was a little scared and very lonely. He had never been away from his home before and even now at the age of sixteen, that was a big deal to him. He was almost a man! He didn't need to be scared or lonely, he had to be tough. It was now very evident to him that he was alone, and to be alone, meant you had to be tough. It was his own fault though, he supposed. He had tried to kill himself when his lover, a male, had called off their relationship only five months ago. The light in Toshiya's life had told him that he was disgusting and that he wanted nothing else to do with a 'flaming homo' because the relationship that they shared was 'nothing but a joke.' Those words had finally led Toshiya to take his fathers razor and slit his wrists. He had been putting it off because of said relationship, but since that was over, he figured all signs pointed to 'go'. Deep in his heart, Toshiya wished that was the only reason he wanted to take his life, but in actuality, that wasn't the only reason. No. Toshiya had been a twin, but his brother died when he was only 5. The cause: small pox. Toshiya was lucky though and recovered from the illness just fine. One would think that this would have made his father happy, but instead, the death of his brother had been his father’s breaking point; especially after loosing his wife, Toshiya's mother, during their birth. His fathers mind had become swamped in sorrow and misery. He began to blame Toshiya for everything that had happened. This was the beginning of the downward spiral that Toshiya's life would take.

The pain of his past hit him like a ton of bricks and he felt his eyes begin to sting; he really didn't want to cry. As much as he tried to stop thinking about it, Toshiya couldn't help but think about his life up until this day. His daily life as a child was both hard and taxing on him.  He received beatings regularly from his father who seemed to always be in a alcoholic daze. Curses and slurs were thrown at him constantly, like it was a normal thing to do. His father even proceeded to rape him a time or two, saying it was the least he could do, seeing as how he was the cause of his mother's death. That continued until he was 12 when his father had met someone new. He thought for sure that when his father remarried, the torture would end, but that was just wishful thinking on his part. It just seemed to get worse. The beatings became more frequent, his father still took sick pleasure in raping him, and now he had to deal with his step-mothers cold eyes and cruel words. Toshiya quietly told himself there was no reason to cry, that the pain was over... "No more. I'm safe now. No more..." he murmured as tears began to stream down his cheeks. Was he safe? He did not know. The nurses seemed to be nice, but they were not the ones he was actually worried about. The doctors... they were the ones that Toshiya dreaded meeting. What would they do to him? Would they give him medication, or would they do some other form of treatment... some painful form of treatment?  Toshiya, being so lost in his thoughts had only just heard the nurse speaking to him. "... Hara-san? Are you listening? We are at your room now."  His eyes which had, at some point, moved to the floor, fluttered up to the door. He nodded and wiped a stray tear from his eye.

As Toshiya let himself be lead into the so called 'room', he laughed to himself. His room was nothing more than a box with a bed. It would have been void of light if it were not for the small bulb hanging from the ceiling. "So this is where my father decided to stick me. Why am I not surprised? He managed to get me as far away from him as possible. If he only knew, that he is not the only one pleased by that."  He said slowly as he walked to his bed and sat down. The nurse did not reply to that, only murmured that the doctor would be there soon then proceeded to exit the room. Now, Toshiya was alone.  Would he have to stay by himself in this little box all day? Eh, no matter. He was, for the time, safe... well, in a sense. Yes, he was safe from his father, but not from himself. The memories would always be there to haunt him. The dreams would always be there to torment him. The feeling of pain in his heart would always be there to remind him. Remind him that he was the cause of his mothers death, remind him that he survived small pox and his brother did not... to remind him that he was worthless. Yes, they would be there to remind him that death... was his only way out; his only way for peace. Not the hospital, not the treatments, not the drugs. Death, and only death, could bring Toshiya the peace he had been searching for all of his life. With a silent sigh, Toshiya laid down onto his bed and closed his eyes, deciding to rest while he waited for the doctor to arrive.

Time passed by slowly and the tick of the clock on the wall was about to drive Toshiya into madness. It was ever repetitive and that was something that he could not handle. How long he had been here, he did not know, he was too morose to look at the clock. Finally, when he decided to try and ignore the insistent ticking so he could doze off, the door opened and a middle aged man stepped in the room. “Hello, Hara-san. I’m Haruko Fumiyoto and I will be your doctor from now on.” Toshiya opened his eyes and sat up, staring at the man. “And I guess you want us to become good friends as well?” he said in a soft voice, thick with sarcasm. Dr. Haruko smiled and half nodded. “I would like that, but the true choice is up to you. I cannot force you to befriend me, although I very much wish you would.” This answer seemed to please Toshiya and displease him at the same time. “That’s right. And I don’t need friends, just so you know.” He said as he pulled his knees up to his chest, his long black hair falling down his shoulders. “Everyone leaves one day. I don’t want to care about someone and then have them turn around and just leave me… it’s too painful and lonely.”  The doctor only continued to smile. “Well, I’m not going to try to tell you that’s not true, Hara-san, because some people do leave" the older man sighed, then continued "But I can hope that one day you will change your mind, ne? Because even though some leave, some stay” he said as he pulled up a chair in front of Toshiya’s bed, sitting down. Toshiya only rolled his eyes at this. How was it that people were so ignorant? No matter how many times he was told that, he knew deep inside that his mind would never change.

“Now, let’s see here… it says that you tried to commit suicide. Would you mind telling me why?” Dr. Haruko asked as he stared at the boy. He could tell Toshiya was going to be a difficult one. “Actually, yes, I would mind. No matter whom I tell, it's not going to change anything.”  “Hmm… no, but it might help you cope with what you are feeling a little better.” Toshiya was getting annoyed. He wasn’t the type to be rude, but, he knew that the doctor really didn ’t care about him; it was the money. “I am coping well on my own, thank you.” The doctor only smiled and flipped a page on the chart. "Toshiya, trying to commit suicide is not a good way of coping... but, since you seem keen on not speaking about it right now, then we will talk about other things. Lets see..." he read over the chart and then looked up at Toshiya once more, who was still sitting with his knee's to his chest. "It says that you had a twin who passed away eleven years ago. How do you feel about that?" Toshiya narrowed his eyes as he moved his gaze up to the man across from him. "How would you feel if your brother died and you survived the same thing that killed him? Well?" Dr. Hakuko looked into those intense chocolate eyes for a moment then shook his head. "I do not know, Toshiya. But I can imagine that it was and still is very painful." Toshiya blinked then looked back down to the floor. "Yes, it is... and my mother, she's dead because of me." he said in an almost whisper. "It should have been me, not her, not my brother." "No, Toshiya, you're wrong. Everything happens for a reason. Some things are not pleasant, but fate has a plan for us all." Toshiya laughed. "Fate?" his eyes found those of the doctor. "Why would a man of science believe in fate? You're not fooling me, I know you don't believe in fate." Dr. Hakuko was silent for a very long moment. This boy was much more clever then he had given him credit for. "Very perceptive, Hara-san. I do not believe in fate, as such, but I do believe that all happens for a reason. Be it fate or... " Toshiya's hand had found its way to the others mouth. "Shut up." he removed his hand, but continued speaking. "That, 'I want you to think of me as your friend and not your doctor and I'm here to help you' shit might work with other patients, but not with me. So stop trying to be my friend. It is not going to happen, so just leave. I will tell you nothing more." With that, Toshiya laid back down with his back to the doctor, letting him know that the conversation was over and he wanted to rest.

Silently, Dr. Hakuko stood, placing the chair back into it's home. "Very well. I tried to be nice and help you, but seeing as you do not wish for it, I shall leave you. But just remember, you're here until we say, so you should try and get along with us. It will make things much easier on you." And with those final words, the other left Toshiya alone in his room, so he could be taken over by the restless sleep that was slowly claiming him.

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