yume

Yume

I do not have rights to nor do I own the members of Dir en grey, Die, Kaoru, Kyo, Shinya and Toshiya. The names of crewmen in this story were taken from the Code of The Vulgar(ism) Tour dvd

The story and thoughts contained herein are my own, and are centered around the Vulgar(ism) tour ’04.

I feel soft sand against my back, the granules sticking to my skin when I move. The night is cool and I hear the waves crashing to the shore. A soft breeze slides itself down my chest to my feet. My skin bumps up as if to meet it.

I open my eyes and see the moon dappled water, the waves pushing, racing to the beach. Someone sits next to me. Their hair shines like tiny diamonds are threaded there.

A hand reaches for me and takes hold of my knee. Light pressure was applied as the hand traveled up my inner thigh in slow circular motions. Instead of ending at the natural progression of my thigh, the hand moved up tracing my hip, I feel myself hardening.

Silken fingers slip under my low slung belt. I feel their sinking pressure against my pelvis. The belt pulls at my ass as the deft fingers unbuckle it and then slide gingerly to the button at my pants.

The heat of these hands and the heat of my response are nearly unbearable as I push the back of my head deeper into the cradling sand. I lift my hips to ease the movement as the hands tug meaningfully at my pants.

The blood coursing through my veins throbs at my temples and it seems the waves follow the rushing beat as the tide threatens to consume us like the inferno of passion.

I feel warm breath just above my underwear line and the hands start a pulsing cipher at my hips moving to tease at my bellybutton. The heat of the breath continued its assault of my tender flesh, as the hands criss-crossed my abs in search of my pecks and the erect nubs of flesh there.

Fingertips head doesil around each of my nipples as I feel a tongue flick from between its lips to play along with the hot breath.

An uncontrolled moan ravaged my throat as teeth grabbed my underwear and nicked my skin. As the teeth pulled down, I lifted myself from the sand. I bucked higher as the teeth slid down my length. The hands trailed down and the whispered velvet fingers traced the gentle ‘V’ from my hips to my erection, which stood harder than it had ever been.

My toes curled and I grabbed fistfuls of the thick, moist sand beneath me.

I felt a tear spill from my erection as the fingers left me. It mourned for them, but was suddenly rewarded by warm breath and a gently flicking tongue.

I cried out when the tongue traced my slit searching for more salty excretions.

A gentle kiss was applied to my aching and tearing hardness. Then a syrupy wet mouth slid centimeter by centimeter down on me. I gasped and tried to thrust but the velvet hands had turned hard and forced my hips back, deeper into the sand.

The tongue tapped me as the mouth continued its terrifyingly slow descent. The nails dug into me and I felt teeth clasp gently at my base.

The waves started to tickle at my toes as they shared their throes of passion with the beach.

The mouth was a nightmare and a blessing rolling into one. The slowness of its movements sent an exquisite pain into my constantly throbbing, aching erection. When I didn’t think I could take anymore it graciously sped up. The tongue began quickly massaging away my aches and pains. I moaned and tried again to thrust into this glory of heat and pressure, but the hands held too firmly.

My heart thumped roughly against my chest as an intense heat began to grow in my core and move to where the mouth worked me tirelessly.

The first ropes signaling my climax passed up my length and into the quickening mouth. Catching the signal the mouth sucked and worked, harder and faster than anything I’ve ever felt.

I screamed into the night sky as my final ropes pushed up me and granted the elixir that the mouth had worked so desperately to receive.

I slowly opened my eyes. I’d fallen asleep in the greenroom again. Memories of my dream flooded into my head. I looked down, checking for any mess or odd bulge in my pants. Nothing. Whew! Everything felt a bit crooked though, but I had been sleeping so what the hell.

I got up and stretched, re-adjusting myself. Time for food, and maybe I can find someone to confide that dream to.

Opening the door I wandered shirtless through the hall to the common area or as I like to call it, the ‘room of food’. I opened the new door and my stomach growled rudely at me.

“Ohayo gozaimasu.” I’d recognize that nasally ass voice anywhere, Shinya. I smile at my inside joke and nod to him moving off to the food.

“Where’s everybody?” I ask, but don’t really care; the live’s not for… Five hours, I conclude checking the clock.

“They went out; to wander the city, shop, try some food. They were going to invite you, but you were sleeping, so I said I’d stay behind, to make sure no crazy fangirls stole you.” He said with a giggle, covering his mouth.

“I’ll bet you anything some of them have been lined up out there for days. Eating stray cats and bugs and pissing themselves for fear of loosing their spot in line.”

“Kyo-kun… Gross!” he yelled.

Ha-ha, yep. Thought you’d like that. I walk over and sit across from him at his table, to start in on my portioned plate. Is he blushing? What and odd duck.

“So how was the nap?” he asks.

“Oh man Shinya, I had THE wet dream.” He blushed and I grinned at him. “You wanna hear the ‘juicy’ details?” I ask hoping for one of his shy reactions, or maybe a gross out.

“Yeah! Tell, tell.” He said leaning in.

OK. Strange. Maybe it’s just been awhile and he needs some new imagery for those ‘alone times.’ I take a big mouthful of food and delve into my story. I elaborate here and there hoping to get some reaction, but it has the opposite effect, he just wants to hear more. He’s leaning in a little too close and as I finish my story I sigh and slump down into my chair, feeling a little tired again.

He chewed his lip pondering something I guess. “Wow Kyo-kun, you’re so lucky!” He said with a small smile.

Alright, what the hell is up with this kid today? Does he know something I don’t? I wipe my face checking for food. Maybe I should get to a mirror and check if the baka wrote something on my forehead. A yawn escapes my lips as a new wave of tiredness pulls at me urgently.

“I think I’m gonna go back to sleep, see if I can get back in with that chick at the beach.” I say and stand up. Was that a pout I caught? I shake my head and walk away, at the door I turn to him.

“You know the craziest thing about that dream was that it felt so real.” There! That smile. What the hell does it mean?

Another yawn pulls my mouth open; I cover it with a hand and stretch. Oh well, lot’s more time to figure out Shinya later, sleep beckons.

“Well, oyasumi nasai and wish me luck!” I sort of half yawn over to him.

“Oyasumi nasai”

I walk out of the ‘room of food’ and sort of step wrong while stretching; I slam my shoulder into the greenroom door to stop myself from nose diving. Apparently I’ve lost some sleep on this tour.

“You ok?” Shinya yells down to me. I can’t believe he heard that.

“Fine, just kinda stumbled is all.”

I opened the door and made my way to the very comfy couch. I plopped onto it and curled up pulling my blanket, which I brought in from the bus, over me. I close my eyes.

A breeze blew the flowers that grew in the field in which I lay.

The hands were back. This time they slid around my shoulders and down my upper-arms. They curled their fingers into the hair at the back of my neck.

A nose traced my cheekbone. I could feel the breath flowing from it. Lips brushed along my jaw line. Stopping at my chin they pressed a firm kiss there.

The hands moved up and down my chest. I felt legs on either side of me and a gentle pressure above my groin as whoever it was straddled me.

Lips pressed against mine, softly, too softly at first then again and again with growing desire and passion. They felt so real; I reached up and held the head of my kisser, my fingers dug into hair. A sigh escaped the lips.

This is so real. I need to open my eyes. Open your eyes Kyo. Open your eyes.

My eyes opened and at first I was very confused because I was staring at Shinya’s closed eyes. Then it all crashed into me and made perfect sense.

He opened his eyes slowly. When he saw me staring at him our lips still locked, he shoved at me and tried to move away but I held him fast.

“Stop. Shinya, stop struggling. I just wanna know what you’re thinking and doing.” Shinya calmed a little but I still held him firmly. “And man, if that dream earlier was you… Then maybe you should let me repay you.” I said, with a laugh.

He blushed furiously, so funny; I had to laugh at him.

“Don’t tease me Kyo. I’m sorry for what I did.” He said hanging his head. He tried to get off me again, I wasn’t about to let him go.

“Kyo… I said I was sorry.”

I just stared at him.

“You just looked so peaceful when you were asleep… Also you were ‘pitching a tent,’ so to speak, and I wanted to help you out.”

My turn to blush. “Well, that’s very… Sweet of you. So tell me, where’d you learn your skills?” I asked trying to keep the mood light. I really did appreciate what he’d done and I didn’t want his feelings hurt.

He shook his head and stared down at my chest. “I’ve never done it before, but I’ve read some things and I know what feels good to me…”

“Oooh a sordid past of reading dirty stories and fondling yourself.” As I said this I took his hands and made him run them up his thighs.

“Kyo. Stop it,” he said squirming, a small smile starting on his lips.

“So, I never knew you were into guys.”

“I’m not really… I just did a friendly thing for you,” he said shrugging.

“That was VERY friendly,” I said laughing at him.

“Stop embarrassing me. You liked it and you know it, so shut up.” He said

“I know. I liked it so much in fact, I think I want more! I could probably handle some of that almost everyday.” I said, tickling him. Then I let my hands rest on his thighs just above his knees.

“Kyo, you’re teasing again. Stop please,” he said pushing his lower lip out in a trademark Shinya pout, and crossing his arms against his chest.

I busted out laughing.

“Nani?” He asked angrily.

“You look like a spoiled brat kid. Gomen, but it looks so baka.” I said through my laughter.

“Honto?” He asked and pinched my sides.

“Ouch!” I yelled. He got up off me and stepped back laughing. Not being able to see where he was going, he tripped on my blanket that he’d thrown carelessly to the floor. He fell on his ass and we both cracked up laughing.

He crawled back to the couch, holding his sides and threw the blanket in my face. I just held it there laughing into it. I felt him shove my feet away and plop onto the couch next to me; I just stayed lying on my back. He pulled the other end of my blanket over his head. I was still giggling when I felt his hand stress the couch by my side; he was positioning himself on top of me again. His bright eyes came into view just above me. I smiled at him; he leaned in and kissed me, his left hand petting my chest.

This didn’t bother me as much as I thought it might. Maybe it was just that around Shinya everything was calm and flowing, and of course I’ve never been afraid of homosexualism. I felt ok. It didn’t matter to me ‘What’ he was, I only cared about ‘Who’ he was. We’ve known each other for so long, been there, thick and thin. I didn’t exactly ‘Want’ or ‘Need’ this, but it didn’t bother me to have it and enjoy it in the moment.

“Can… Can I?” He floundered.

“Shinya, just ask your question, you might be surprised at the answer.” I knew what he wanted but I wanted to hear him put words on his desires; to ground them in reality.

He moved his mouth to my ear and adjusted his tone to compensate my frailty. “Can I…? Would you let me…? Have sex with you?” He buried his face in the couch after asking.

I leaned my head into his. “There, that wasn’t so hard was it?” I asked, but I know it was hard for him; it probably would’ve been hard for me too, in his position. I purposefully held out on answering him, I wanted him to look at me.

After a while he lifted himself up and moved so that he was looking questioningly into my eyes. I smiled at him.

“Of course,” I said.

He smiled so big, and then kissed me hard and got up to lock the door. “Just in case,” he said, coming back to the couch.

Sitting on his legs he took my blanket from me and wrapped it around his shoulders. “Do you want me inside you or vice versa?” He asked hesitantly, chewing his lip.

I smiled at his ability to ask that when he’d struggled with the ‘Can I’s’. “What do you want?” I turn his question back to him.

“I… I kinda want to be inside you. If that’s ok, if not-“

I stopped him by raising my hand. “That’s fine Shinya. If you want that then it’s fine. Honto.”

He smiled at me again, sending bright light into his eyes. He slipped his hand onto the back of my neck, and pulled me to sit up, and then he kissed me. The passion flames it ignited inside me sent my heart slamming against my chest and boiled my blood. I put my hands on his shoulders and pulled him as close to me as I could.

He moved from my lips to my neck as his fingers unbuckled my belt for a second time today. Then he stood and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Let me?” I asked. He stopped and stood in front of me. I grabbed his hips and pulled him close. Reaching up I moved my hands across his shirted body before going to work on the buttons. When I had finished I stood up and pulled his head down a bit, to mine for a kiss. My hands then went to his pants and the button there. As my lips held his I unbuttoned him and took the zip slowly down. I left the zipper and slid my hand between his legs, cupping him and pressing gently through his pants. I felt him harden at my touch.

He moaned and curled into me resting his chin on my shoulder as his hands traced down my back. His fingers stopped at the waistline of my pants; slipping his fingertips under them at the back he slid them around to the front and undid my button. I clung to him as he pushed his fingers deeper into my pants and slid them down.

He knelt in front of me as he finished pulling my pants down. He looked up at my flushed face and smiled, while I stepped out of my pants. Still not looking away he pulled my underwear from me. His eyes staring into mine, he moved his hands from my knees-that were growing weaker-up my thighs and around to my ass. Grabbing me with his nails he pulled at me. As his finger tempted my budding hole he took my semi-erection into his mouth.

I tore my eyes from his and threw my head back moaning up at the ceiling. He kept his mouth stationary and moved only his tongue up and down me. I was brought almost to fever pitch so quickly. My legs tried to give out on me, I did my best to hold to the ground, and Shinya helped me stabilize.

He left me almost as quickly as he’d taken me and stood up. I reached to kiss him but he moved away, smiling. I half smiled at him and watched as he took his shirt off. He moved his hands to his pants and turned his back to me.

I moved in behind him and pushed my burning cheek into his bare back as I reached my hands around and put them on his. He pulled his hands from under mine and pushed them slightly down his pants. Getting the hint I took over.

I took the open flaps of his pants and pulled them down his svelte hips and thighs to the ground where he stepped out of them. I pulled his underwear off even slower. He tried at that point to turn around, but I made him stay put. He whined about that a bit and I just smiled.

I scrapped my nails up his thighs to his hips and down through his soft pubic hair. His breath caught and he leaned against me with an almost inaudible moan. I felt the silken base of his erect shaft with my fingertips, and he sent his right hand into my hair grabbing a fistful. My erection bumped against him as I moved closer. Taking a firm hold on him I pumped up and down, swirling my thumb across his head with every pull.

His breath came out in jagged sighs. Then I stopped and pushed my hand from his pelvis up to his jaw and turned him so I could kiss him. He snaked his perfect, moist velvet tongue through my lips and flicked at mine.

He turned to face me fully and our erections met as he pushed me to sit on the couch. Sitting on his knees he spread my legs and moved in closer. He traced a delicate line with his fingertips from my scrotum to my opening; pulling his hand away he began to wet his first two fingers. I watched intently as he slid them in and out of his mouth rolling his slick tongue around and around them. I wanted that tongue. I leaned forward and kissed him, our tongues met hesitantly then formed a bond rolling and flicking each other. As he kissed me he pushed me back on the couch and slid one of his slick fingers into me. My eyes flew open. Feeling me tense he stopped kissing me and his eyes burned into mine.

“You have to relax Kyo. I’ll do my best not to hurt you. I promise. You have to relax though,” he said to me.

I tried to relax.

He looked into my eyes, watching me as he began to move his finger. I was uncomfortable at first, but I began to trust him and was able to relax. He hit against my prostate a couple of times, I felt my eyes widen when he did. A trickling sensation started at my erection and I looked down at it to see a translucent liquid running down the length.

Shinya sent his second finger in as he took me into his mouth. I had no time to think of my discomfort as he sucked; my blood near boiling over.

He tapped again at my prostate in time with his tapping tongue. I screamed out his name as an intense feeling burned in my pelvis, but he wouldn’t let me off that easily and he pulled his mouth and fingers from me.

I looked at him pleadingly. He smiled and rose up on his knees. He kissed me and I grabbed his shoulders squeezing gently. He pulled away and positioned himself between my legs. I felt his hand and a slight pressure at my hole.

“I really don’t want to hurt you. Just stay calm, relaxed, and tell me if it hurts ok?” He asked sincerity in his eyes.

How cute. “I’m not afraid of it Shinya. I agreed didn’t I?”

He nodded and bent to kiss me again. Pulling away from the kiss he pushed slowly into me.

It was mostly just uncomfortable, any pain was bearable as I watched pleasure splash onto Shinya’s features; I smiled. He was in completely and he stopped there letting my body get used to him.

“You ok? Any pain?” He asked staring into my eyes.

“I’m just fine.” I said.

He smiled and pulled slowly out, then pushed gently back in, creating a quiet rhythm. I appreciated his slow start and so did my body, but I knew this would get boring for him and eventually me.

“Shinya,” I said as he worked. “Now it’s your turn to relax. You’re not going to hurt me, even if you do; I’m not going to hold it against you.”

He smiled and gradually quickened. Watching my face for the prostate cue, he re-angled and hit it every time he thrust into me. My heart thumped with every thrust and my breath began to heave from me. Shinya’s breath also quickened and he closed his eyes and started moaning at me.

“Shinya, harder,” I told him and braced myself as he obeyed. I cried out his name and rested my feet in his lower back. He tightened his grip on my hips and shoved into me as hard as he could.

I felt the warning ropes coil up my length. Shinya whimpered and I grabbed fistfuls of couch cushion. He thumped into me and I let out one of my favorite live yells as my ropes forced the life giving mana from me. A warm liquid flowed into me as I felt Shinya shaking to a close. He licked my stomach and kissed me there as he pulled from me.

Shinya got up and curled next to me on the couch wrapping my blanket around our backs. “You ok?” He asked as he rested his head on my chest.

“If you don’t stop asking me that you won’t be,” I said wrapping my arm around him and squeezing.

I was nearly asleep and so comfortable, when Shinya started poking my chest.

“Nani?” I asked a little annoyed.

“The others will probably be back soon, we should get cleaned up.”

He got up from the couch, taking the blanket. I shivered a little and pulled my knees to my chest. Closing my eyes I rested on the couch. I could hear Shinya rummaging around the room and then he unlocked the door and opened it. I jumped and grabbed for my pants.

“Calm down Kyo,” he said laughing at my frantic state. “No one’s here yet. I’ll be right back.” He took off down the hall.

I grabbed my pants, putting them in the crook of my arm. I found my belt and slung that on my arm. Oh great. No underwear. Shinya must have thrown them, have to find those before someone else does and wonders what the hell. I crawled around the floor looking in all the not-so-obvious places. He came back in while I was looking under the couch.

“Here’s a washcloth to clean yourself with. What are you doing?”

I looked up at him. He was fully clothed and had washed his face, he looked very refreshed. “Trying to find my underwear. You look for them, you’re the one who took them off, and give me that.” I held out my hand.

“Soap on one end, water on the other,” he said, tossing the towel to me.

While I cleaned my used parts, he walked over to the couch and pulled it from the wall, looking behind it. “Oh, here they are.” He flipped them at me.

“Arigato, try not to do that next time.” Oh shit.

“Next time?” He asked raising his eyebrow. “So there’s going to be a next time?”

“Figure of speech, shut up!” God why did I say that? I don’t know where we stand after this, let alone ‘next time.’

“Relax Kyo, stress doesn’t look too good on you,” he laughed. “I’m going back to the common room.” He slipped out the door, before I could find something to throw at him. Where’s a fangirl when you need one?

I finished cleaning myself and put my clothes back on. I grabbed the washcloth and opened the door. I jumped back, Toshiya stood hand raised about to knock.

“Hi.” He waved. Weirdo. “You’re awake! You should come see what we bought you.” That didn’t sound good.

“Ok. Just let me wash my face first.”

“Sure.” He just stood there.

“And that would be your cue to move.” I told him. I can only hope Kaoru and Die are a little more perceptive today.

He smiled and walked away. Waving over his shoulder he yelled “Hurry up.”

That’s it, how did I become the only sane one here?

I walked down the hall from the bathroom, a cigarette hanging idly from my lips. I stepped into the greenroom to grab my suit-jacket and YUKIE waved at me; such a cute little make-up girl. I nodded to her and flipped my arms into my coat.

I bumped into Yamaguchi-san, our hairstylist on my way out the door. She smiled and let me out first. So I guess most of the crew was out with the boys earlier. The backstage seemed suddenly alive as I made my way down the hall to the ‘room of food.’

I opened the door to a round of nods. Atsushi, our manager had on the stupidest hat I have ever seen, one of those that look like samurai hair, as he sat at the table with the rest of the band.

Toshiya jumped up. “Kyo, time for your present,” he said running to the back of the room and grabbing a bag there. Raising my eyebrow I took a drag on my cigarette and walked to their table. Kaoru looked tired; he sat with his head on the table. I clapped his back as I sat next to him. “They wear you out with shopping?” He just moaned into the table not looking up.

“Is that your present?” I asked Atsushi. He nodded. Oh geez this really is going to be bad.

Shinya and Die watched me intently as Toshiya dropped his bag on the table in front of me. A Technicolor Geisha was imprinted on the side of the bag and pink paper protruded from its opening. Dear Kami-sama; please let this have a good ending.

“Kyo, stop cringing,” Die said. “Mika-san helped him pick it out so it can’t be that bad.”

Ok so he got the dresser involved, she knows about clothes and what I like, to a point. Putting my cigarette between my lips I leaned for the bag, and looked inside. Something white that was possibly a shirt was in the bottom. I reached in and pulled it out. The shirt was wrapped around something. I pulled the shirt open, and a smile stretched across my face.

A little ‘Gizmo’ doll, from the movie ‘Gremlins’ sat in my hand, and the shirt was from ‘Gremlins 2’, which it displayed proudly. “Toshi, this is great.” Now if I could get this damn grin off my face.

Toshiya flopped down in the chair opposite me. “I’m so glad you like it, I dragged Kaoru and Mika around forever trying to find something for you. Then we wandered past this little ‘cult movie’ shop.”

Takuma and Kenji, crewmen, came in and signaled that sound check was upon us. Atsushi checked his watch and stood up. “Ok shonen, let’s get to work.”

As a collective we stood and stretched, energy was starting to build as we wandered towards the stage door.

All the instruments were already set up, and our instrument techs bowed us onto stage. Atsushi wandered off the stage and over to Yoshihisa our engineer. Shinya grabbed my hand and squeezed before he climbed behind his drums. I smiled at him, and wondered if anyone saw that.

“Everyone can hear me?” Yoshi said into his mic.

“Hai’s,” all around.

“Ok. Kaoru, on my cue please.”

Kaoru pulled his guitar on with the help of Hiroshi, his tech and stood upstage waiting for his cue. He stretched his legs and dipped his knees.

“Ok. Play it.”

Kaoru stretched a whine to a screech then slammed into the open bridge of ‘Shokubeni.’

Sound check ran smoothly and kinda slipped past my memory, as all I could think about were my earlier excursions with Shinya.

As we left the stage to begin the hair and make-up process I overheard Hideto, one of our security team, talking about how you could see the fangirls’ line from the roof.

“They’re all huddled in on each other, like the witches of ‘The Scottish Play’. It’s like they’re trying to conjure up the band. That has to be one of the scariest, yet funny, things I’ve ever seen.”

Oh, this I HAVE to see! “Which stairs lead up there, I’ve gotta check that shit out.”

“It’s that way,” he pointed. “You want me to come with you?”

“Nah, it’s the roof, I really don’t think we have ‘Spider-Girl’ in our repertoire.” I laughed and took the stairs.

Up at the top, the wind was blowing and it was a bit cold. I was really glad for my suit-coat. I leaned just slightly over the edge, trying not to be seen, and to see at the same time. A jumbled pot of blonde, Die, Hide/Kaoru, and black bubbled over like one hideous cup of tea.

The door behind me opened and I stepped back from the edge to see Shinya.

“Oi.” I said, maybe a little too brightly.

“So how many doppelgangers are we entertaining tonight?” He asked coming over to see for himself. “Oh look tons of you and Kao, a few Die. I think they’re getting better at being themselves or the lab finally found the majority of them.” He looked at me and we laughed.

“Shinya,” I said. He just looked at me, one delicate eyebrow raised. I sighed. “I don’t really know how to put words on what I want to say…”

“The PROPHET is speechless? Wow.” He giggled.

“Stop that, I’m trying to be serious.” I stared into his eyes and grabbed his hand. “I’m worried that if we continue down this path unheeded, I’ll fall helplessly into renai. If that’s not.” I was interrupted by YUKIE opening the door and waving over to us, “Come on you’re going to make Yamaguchi and Mika mad, and you might just be late on stage because of it.”

“We’ll talk later, don’t worry.” Shinya breathed to me and smiling ran over to YUKIE.

I lingered by the drum-set throughout the night hoping to catch Shinya’s eye once or twice, but he was way too focused, or maybe just ignoring me. Yeah that was most likely it, he couldn’t love me, and I couldn’t expect him to. He could easily have anyone he wanted.

My shoulders slumped at the end of ‘Kasumi’ and I trudged off stage, not even looking up. I flopped into my chair and YUKIE helped me clean the make-up off my face. She handed me a towel to wipe the blood off my chest, from the various self-inflicted wounds that really bled tonight. I stared at the towel and my thoughts passed to Shinya.

I looked at him from my mirror. He was trying to fend off Die’s near constant teasing. Closing my eyes I remembered the warmth of his body as he lay next to me. I stared into the mirror near tears; I won’t ever feel that again. Shinya caught my eyes in the reflection, he smiled. That’s all I’ll ever have now, your reflection, your beautiful reflection.

After the double encore I blew a kiss to the crowd and threw some water on them. Always the first off stage I started packing up the little bag I had brought in from the bus.

“You’re in a hurry tonight,” YUKIE said holding out my blanket, she had folded it into a nice square for me.

“Arigato,” I said grabbing for my blanket, she kept holding it and I looked up at her.

“Are you ok?” She asked.

“Of course I am,” I said with a laugh. How could I not be? I continued around the greenroom making sure I had everything. I passed the couch and sweet memories fluttered by my eyes, short and sweet, bittersweet like a butterfly’s life. As I stood in my reverie my band-mates came noisily into the room.

Toshiya jumped over to me and threw his arms around my shoulders. “That was so much fun! I loved that crowd.”

I smiled patting his arm. “That’s good.” At least someone else can find love in this desolate scheme called life.

Toshiya looked at me with a cocked eyebrow.

“I’m fine, I’m just tired. I’m going to go dry off my sweat and wash up a bit then I’m going down to the bus. Ok?”

“Ok whatever.” Toshiya said and bounced over to Kaoru and Die to continue gushing about the crowd.

I stared into the mirror in the restroom. How could I have been so blind? All he wanted was a bodily release, he said it himself; ‘I was just doing a friendly thing.’ I took a washcloth and doused it in cold water. Pushing it to my chest I bit back a sob as a pain shot through all my scratches. I looked at them in the mirror, still angry welts. These are the only thing I can believe in. What I can do myself is all I have left.

I heard the door open.

Shinya waved at my face in the mirror. “Oi, we can talk in here ne?”

“What needs be said?” I asked a little coldly and bit my tongue. I didn’t want to hurt him no matter how much he put me through.

“Nani, Kyo-kun?” He crossed his arms and stared at me.

“Sumimasen. I just… I know you couldn’t ever love me and it was silly of me to take it that far in my imagination. If you’ll excuse it, I’ll just leave you alone now.”

“Kyo, you really are blind. I guess that supposed fiancé of yours really screwed up your head. I’m not her, and I’m a bit offended that you’d compare us.” He held up his hand before I could respond. “Hear me out. It’s been what 6 hours since we poured over each other and you’re already trying to erase it from your memory, why? It’s you that’s truly afraid of love, giving and receiving, that’s why you’re trying to push me away. I’m not going to let you, I know you need me, you’d never say it, but I know. We’re going to continue ‘unheeded’ as you said. If it turns out that you really don’t want to be around me, I’ll understand, but you should at least give it a try, give us a try.”

I stood with my mouth hanging open. He giggled at me, “Kyo close your mouth you look like a fish.”

I smiled and walked over to him. “You mean you’re really interested in keeping this up?”

He pulled me into a tight hug, “Every time you’ve tried to talk to me today we’ve been interrupted, I should have just told you, but I wanted the moment to be right, like earlier. Kyo I’ve been memorizing today with every effort of my being. How it felt to be inside you, how warm you are when you’re nearing your climax, your face, the sounds you make. The truth is I loved that experience and I would love to have it again and again. You’re my best friend, I love you as a friend, a brother, and I’d like to build on that. In the words of ‘The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Who wouldn’t be the one you love?” I’m more than willing to make every fangirl jealous, I already have to beat them off with sticks why not add to their flames?”

I laughed through the happy tears falling down my cheeks.

“Now do you want to keep this from the others for a while and lay it on them gently or should we just burst in and tell them?” Shinya asked wiping my face with the washcloth I still had in my hands.

“I think if we do tell them it should just be them. I don’t want the crew and everyone to know, it’s not really their business.”

“I agree, so we’ll tell them after the tour. Until then we’ll keep it our delicious secret ne?”

“Hai, I like that plan Shinya.” I like you being my secret. I’m gonna hold off on the ‘aishiteru’ for now though, you’ve got to do a whole lot more to prove yourself worthy of that. I laughed into his chest as I pulled him closer to me.

Owari,

I’m terribly interested to know what you all think of my story.

verility@hotmail.com

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