Numb Inside

By: Shinyanohime@aol.com
 

A/N: My first fic at this fan site O_o and it’s a KyoxDie, I can’t seem to write sappy happy bubbly stories, but more dark, sad, and depressing ones. Please listen to wake if you have the Macabre album *sniffles* this is in Kyo’s POV

Disclaimer: Don’t own Dir en Grey but Hiromi, my computer and keyboard in which I’m typing this story on T_T I’m a poor girl

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You said you loved me, but do you really?

I can see in your eyes that you are hiding something, but why won’t you tell me, my love? Am I that really that annoying to you, or am I just another one of your puppets that you toy with? I know you. We’ve been in the band together for so many years that I know you inside out and that any girl you date, doesn’t know you as much as I do, love.

At first I thought you were joking when you wanted to date me. Why would you take your time with someone like me? A monster that only knows pain and puts the pain through music. You don’t know me. You don’t know me like anyone else does, but me. I’m the only person that allows me to see me. I am nothing that you want to hold, cuddle, or kiss. Why on earth would you want to do that to me anyways, love?

My love for you will never change. Remember that. I will continue to love you like I had for those past years even though I will never able to feel your warm body against mine, or a night shared of our love-making. I would miss the sweet smell of lilac from your body and the breathless kisses you would give me.

I know now that it was all a lie. Our relationship was a lie, but why couldn’t I have seen that? Maybe I was too blind to see it because I was happy with you and that I believed that our relationship was going somewhere, but I was wrong. It wasn’t until I seen you with her, beautiful her. Her name was Hiromi, I think. You cared nothing but her and you forgot about me. I was left in the shadows when you said you don’t need me anymore and that you found someone else.

I was devastated of course and I let myself in this state where I wrote poetry to take my mind away from the pain that tore me up inside. The poetry released me and I think I came up with a new song. Here, let me describe the song to you. It talks about loosing someone close to them and that person dies of a broken heart. She cries for her lover to come back to him, but he doesn’t because he found someone else. Does this remind you of something, love? It should. But why should you care? Who would care for someone like me? A monster that spends his time sleeping, putting on make-up, and writing songs. I don’t get out anymore. I’m more like a hermit waiting for inspiration to hit me again. I only go to practice, interviews and photo shots.

Kaoru, Shinya, and Toshiya noticed something changed within me. I’m not the same anymore. I have become too hardheaded and too temperamental and I tell everyone to piss off and leave me alone. You don’t seem to notice me anymore. You just cast me away like I’m trash on the floor. You spend your time with her. Beautiful her. I watch you with her when you don’t notice me. I’m nothing but a shadow. I watch you kiss her like you use to me and this makes my heart ach. You say you love her and dig something from your pocket and hand it to her. It was a silver necklace. She jumped into your arms and I walk away, not able to bare the site anymore.

I once loved. I once hurt, but that’s over now and I realize that I meant not to be happy or find a companionship of my own.

There is one soul purpose in my life and that is to write and to perform.

I will never find true happiness other that on stage. I believe that everyone loves me because I sing for them and I sing for you too, my beloved.

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I have no idea where the hell this fic came from @_@ I think I’ve been listing to too much Dir en Grey lately and listing to your favorite track over and over does that to you. Please comment!