Lamont: Dad! You just scared my date away!
Sanford: Shut up an' bend over, boy! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!
(Bill laughs.)
Bill: It's so true!
(Theo runs in.)
Theo: Dad! Aliens have landed on our lawn!
Bill: What you talkin' 'bout, boy? Yo' nuttier than a wild squirrel!
Theo: No, I mean it! The aliens are at our door!
(Bill gets up and smacks Theo.)
Bill: I'll prove to you there ain't no aliens, boy! 'Cept maybe them wetbacks that beg fo' food at our door!
(Bill opens the door. There is nothing.)
Bill: See? It's just yo' imagination, boy! Father's day fucked you up mo' than you thought! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!
(Suddenly, a three-eyed alien appears at the door.)
Theo: D-D-Dad!
Bill: Why you studderin', boy? There ain't no earthquake!
(Bill turns around toward the alien.)
Bill: Go away befo' Ah call the border patrol!
Dildar: Greetings, Earthling. I am Dildar from the planet Orgasma III.
Bill: Motherfuckin' trick o' treat fo' UNICEF! You can't fool me!
(Bill pulls Dildar's face.)
Bill: Hmmm, nice costume, mofo!
Dildar: I'm afraid you misunderstand me, human.
Bill: Holy Cumoly! You are aliens!
Dildar: Correct, Earthling! You have been chosen for our great experiment because of your unusually large...
Bill: Cock!
Dildar: No. Sexual Drive.
Bill: awww...
Theo: W-What are you going to do with us?
Dildar: Testing can not begin until you are transported to our ship.
Bill: Oh, yeah!? Well, you ain't takin' ol' Bill Cosby without losin' an antenna o' two!
(Dildar presses a button on his arm and Bill, Theo, and Dildar are transported to an alien mothership orbiting the earth.)
Dildar: Now do you doubt our power, Earthling?
Bill: Enough o' this "Star Trek" shit! Get me home! I'm missin' "In the House!"
(Dildar presses a button and Bill and Theo are transported to a cage.)
Dildar: Let the experiments begin!
Bill: Get me outta here befo' Ah punch all three o' yo' eyes out!
Dildar: This test will determine your sexual endurance.
(Dildar presses another button. An "o-ray" comes out and blasts Bill and Theo.)
Theo: AAA! TURN IT OFF!
Bill: What you whinin' 'bout, boy?
Dildar: Higher power!
Theo: AAA!
Bill: Shut up, boy! It shore feels good! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!
Dildar: FULL POWER!
Theo: I-CAN'T-TAKE-IT!
Bill: A-Hoo yeah! There ain't nothin' like a good ol' orgasm to make yo' day!
(Suddenly the ray overloads and explodes. Theo collapses on the floor, relieved. Wet stains begin to form on his pants.)
Bill: You call that an orgasm ray!? Ah didn't even cum!
Dildar: No being has ever endured the dreaded orgasm ray for such a time!
Bill: Well, Ah guess that just makes me better than you!
Dildar: Silence! On with the tests!
(Bill and Theo are put in another room with a girl in a Catholic school uniform.)
Dildar: This next test will see if you have the ability to pleasure the most frigid of beings! The boy first!
(Theo sits down next to the girl.)
Theo: Uhhh...hi.
Girl: Go away, creep! I know what you want!
Dildar: You fail! Now the man!
(Bill cracks his knuckles.)
Bill: Yo' lucky Ah ain't a picky man, mistah alien.
(Bill sits next to the girl.)
Bill: How you doin' there, little lady?
Girl: Go away, pervert!
Bill: Oh, I'm not like that! Say, do you know about Mistah Dicky?
Girl: No, who's he?
Bill: He's a friend o' mine who lives in mah pants. Wanna see?
Girl: Uh, sure.
(Bill pulls out his penis.)
Bill (In Mister Dicky's voice): Hi there! Mah name is Misstah Dicky an' I'm a dentist!
(The girl laughs.)
Girl: A dentist?
Bill: You haven't been brushin' yo' teeth, have you?
Girl: Yes I have!
Bill: Let me see!
(The girl opens her mouth and Bill sticks his penis in it.)
Bill: Hmm! Looks like a plaque buildup! Why don't you suck on ol' Misstah Dicky an' he'll clean yo' teeth wit' his "magic tooth paste!" A-Ho-Ho-Ho!
(The girl blows Bill. Bill rips off her uniform and fucks her.)
Dildar: Ugh! Disgusting!
Theo: You get used to it after a while.
Bill: Hey, Dildar! Back on Earth we call this a 69! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!
(Dildar pukes.)
(MUCH LATER:)
Dildar: You have proven yourself worthy of the final test, Earth being!
(The girl gets up and leaves.)
Bill: Hey, where you goin'!? Ah was just warmin' up!
(The girl turns into an eleven-eyed tenticled monster.)
Bill: Ugh! I'm an alien-fucker!...Oh well.
Theo: What's the final test?
Dildar:Sex...With each other!
Bill: A-Ho-Ho-Ho! Bend over, boy!
(Suddenly, another alien runs in.)
Alien: Sir! We are under attack by scroton torpedoes!
Bill: Opportunity knocks once!
(Bill pulls out a knife and slits Dildar and the other alien's throat. They both die, gurgling prayers to their gods.)
Theo: Why didn't you do that in the first place, dad?
Bill: Shut up, boy! Help me find the transportation, thingy!
(Bill finds it, and he and Theo are transported back home.)
Theo: Ah, it's all over!
Bill: Not fo' you, boy! Bend over! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!
The End
*Appologies to Barbarella.