Slacker Vs. God by Raphael the Contradiction An excerpt from my play "Does Any Of This Crap Have A Point?"
	JAMES: I don't get it, I just don't get it.  There I was, tireder than hell, and I finally lay down to rest and I can't get any sleep.  It's got to be me...there's no other explanation for it, that insomnia stuff.  There is no other way to rationalize this.  Maybe I'm hungry, maybe I just need some food.  (He walks over and opens the fridge) We don't have one damn thing in this house...of course, that's not completely true.  I did yank that pie from Rusty's place, but sugar isn't appealing to me right now. VOICE: Why not?  (James dives down on the floor immediately.  He begins to crawl around on the floor trying to be discreet.) JAMES: Who said that?  Come out with your hands up!  Umm, umm...we have you surrounded and stuff! VOICE: Shut up. JAMES: Just give yourself up.  Escape is impossible! VOICE: Talking to you is such a waste of time.  You're such a moron.  (James gets up and starts looking around) JAMES: Are you talking to me?  You must be talking to me because there's no one else here. VOICE: With every sentance you sound stupider. JAMES: When I find you I'm going to lay a beat down like you've never seen before, so come out and fight like a man. VOICE: You really wanna know where I am? JAMES: I do, but you don't.. VOICE: Hey dumb ass, look in the fridge. JAMES: I don't see anything. VOICE: Of course you don't, you're an idiot. JAMES: What's that supposed to mean? VOICE: You're hopeless.  Okay, see if you can't comprehend this.  I am God speaking to you from the pie. JAMES: That has got to be the biggest crock I've ever heard.  I know I'm not that bright, but come on, give me some credit.  So let me see if I can get this straight...I sit down to patiently lay a beat down on this pie while the robber  pops out of the shadows, nails me over the head with some blunt object and takes all my worldly goods. VOICE: What worldy goods?  You have a nasty couch, a fridge that barely works, a 20 year old television, some magazines, and some bread. JAMES: I have bread? VOICE: Are you afraid that I'm going to steal your dollar's worth of recyclable cans? JAMES: So you just admitted you're going to steal something--so you can't be God or a pie. VOICE: Why can't I be God? JAMES: You're a jerk, that's why. VOICE: That's not true, I was nice to you a lot of times. JAMES: Name one. VOICE: There was that time a couple of minutes ago. JAMES: Face it, you're not God. VOICE: What can I do to prove it to you? JAMES: You can get me a free pizza this very second. VOICE: You can ask the creator of the universe for anything, and you want a pizza... JAMES: Stop your squaking and make with the food. VOICE: I've never been so insulted.  The least you could do is grovel a little bit. JAMES: Then why in the hell are you in my pie? VOICE: That's a bit harder to explain... JAMES: I want money.  Give me some money. VOICE: I can't just give you money.  You have to earn it. JAMES: Just let me get this straight...you're God, and in my pie, right? VOICE: Yes. JAMES: Then you created the entire world, right? VOICE: Yeah, but that seventh day was a bitch. JAMES: I thought that was the day you rested? VOICE: I took a nap, and all of a sudden they said I rested the whole day. JAMES: So what else did you do that day? VOICE: Played ping pong. JAMES: Who'd you play? VOICE: Satan.  We were playing for the fate of the dinosaurs.  I've got another game scheduled with him on Saturday, actually. JAMES: Oh, crap. VOICE: Don't worry, I've got it covered.  It's air hockey this time. JAMES: So you did all that, but you can't get me some food. VOICE: Of course I can, but I'm not going to. JAMES: Why not? VOICE: Because you don't deserve it.  Do something good and I'll get you a pizza. JAMES: Like what? VOICE: Am I supposed to tell you everything? JAMES: Yeah. VOICE: Okay, if that's the way you want it, since you volunteered... JAMES: I didn't volunteer! VOICE: (booming) YES YOU DID!!! JAMES: What I meant to say was, what do you want me to do? VOICE: Dig a ten foot hole, then wait for more instructions. JAMES: Now what happens? VOICE: Now you wake up. (Lights go out for 5 seconds.  They come back up to see James laying on the couch mumbing, then waking up.) JAMES: A dream...that's all it was, just a dream.  I wonder if I should still eat that pie? (Lights out, scene ends)