The Thoughts Of A Lunatic!

                                                     The Game Goes On

The game goes on, the victims as unaware as they always are. Naive. Pitiful. Pathetic. I kissed him and I teased him then I sat and listened to his heart break.
  For a moment the hope was there, but it's all fake. All just part of the game. His heart broke the loudest. That's because he love me before I was... this. He loved me when there was no game, when I was sure there was no me... all that time me loved me and he hoped for me and he lied for me and he watched me cry.
  But, alas, it was for nothing. It's all for nothing now. Now I am who I am and they are and nothing is real, nothing is sacred, nothing is anything anymore. Just thoughtless air; just like me, just like them, just like everything.
  This is what you've done to me, and as I sit in the ashes of the former me and cry I know you'll just walk by. Because I am nothing to you now; not the air that you breathe, not the scent, the taste, of your skin; oh God it fills me, floods me, drowns me.
  Just another cinder, just another helpless victim that loved you a little too much. I hope you can sleep. I hope you're sleeping now. I hope one day those pools dry up and you can't see me anymore, so I can kick you as I walk past you in the street and watch you meld into the cinders and drown the fire in your heart, and enjoy every last moment.
  Poetic justice in a new form; words aren't enough anymore. Words are just spoken into that thoughtless air, exploding off one another like a bizarre set of fireworks. Words just shuffle cautiously along the lines of this page and watch the blood of their relatives smeared all over them and hate me for it.
  The pen is mightier than the sword as they say; I sit and watch the biro melt into my palm, burning plastic scolding my already swollen flesh.
  Twisted smile, humming my favourite song into the nothing and hoping someone hears me. And someone's listening. Thay always are. Nodding sympathetically, not really understanding. Passing me in the street, being startled by the crash of my heart shattering as I play it again over and over in my mind.
  I watch them step curiously over my silver bones, wince as they crumble one by one into dust. Sit and polish my soul in an attempt to hide the fingerprints and the battered edges. Drained by them. Drained by you.
  I drift into thoughtless sleep, filled with thoughtless dreams fo thoughtless times when I wasn't me; I could breathe and cry and wish I wasn't born, but it never hurt like this.
  When it was so distant from me I wished for it; a silent prayer for a jinx to keep me occupied for a while. When you've been lost for so long, it turns out that you're not afraid of what you were hiding from, just from actually stopping hiding. Completely exposed; you can't blame the pills or the fact your head's fucked up anymore, because the fear isn't there to mask yourself with. The boredom, the stupidity, the... everything.
  But the stupidity passes, and so does the boredom; hand in hand they walk off into the ghastly neon light from that place where everything else seems to be. They leave with the everything and never come back.
  Sobbing as the void gets bigger; takes me in, fucks me up, spits me back out again. Covered in the saliva of nothing, it rots my flesh, smudges my mascara so it looks like war-paint. I am at war. At war with you. But I can never win, can I? You sit there and smile, and wait for me to screw up as an excuse to leave again, just so I have to crawl back to you because you know I always will. I'll crawl until my fingers are soaked in my own crimson blood and the shit's all over my face and you've had the chance to laugh at me like I'm nobody. I am nobody to you, you can't even remember my name. You used to call me Joanna. Shows how important I was to you.
  The mask is wearing away, patches now like adolescent face-paint; neon green and ghastly orange muddy white and black that always seems grey.
  Eyes like a vacuum, you suck me into you, lose me in you, and leave me there to die. Glass walls like a maze, but there's no way out.
  How can I ever get over you when I can't find myself from within you? Maybe I don't want to. Because without you I'm nothing, I think you knew that already. Before the game. Before you and me weren't just you and me anymore. Before I was bitter. Before I lost myself.
  I look in the mirror but I'm not looking at myself anymore. My eyes are translucent, all I see in me is you. You laugh at me from inside me, where I can't reach you. Your voice echoes around my head, caving holes in my skull.
  Oh God I hate you so much.
  Slip away into sleep again... sweet dreams.