It was a hot summers afternoon when Matt awoke in the cave he liked to refer to as his home. You see it was always afternoon by the time he got out of bed each day. He always seemed to find himself exhausted from his nightly routine. This routine consisted of a high intensity work out of masturbating over pictures of small children for five hours each night. This was followed by a three hour gaze through his high power binoculars, which were positioned towards ‘hot stuff’s’ house. (Known to the Diddillibah community as Mrs Fair-weather the 4ft, 80 yr old widow with Alzheimer's and a rare skin condition.) Although, we won’t go into Matt’s peculiar fetishes at this time.

When Matt finally rolled out of bed and had wiped up the drool and semen from his sheets, he embarked on a long journey... Three hours and fifteen minutes later Matt made it to the kitchen. He concocted a rather vile meal for himself, which he called, ‘Rat surprise’.

Matt soon set himself down in front of the television to watch some of his beloved DVD’s. “Oh my, I have forgotten something, what could it be?” Matt thought to himself. “Oh fuck me dead, I almost forgot. The post!” He exclaimed. At this point he jumped up and ran outside towards his mailbox. This was easier said than done, for Matt had forgotten to pull up his pants following his afternoon batting session, and soon tripped on his XL y-front jockeys. Dazed and confused from his fall, Matt lay sprawled on the concrete driveway. Pants around his ankles, with both hands placed firmly on his crutch to protect his precious jewels.

After two hours Matt’s attempts to get back on his feet paid off... he stood up. Soon Matt was content; he had his mail and headed back to his cave to read. Today’s mail consisted of a Mad Magazine and four porn mags. After studying the many facets of the female and male anatomy, Matt moved on to his night-time reading, his mad mags. As he opened to the first page and begun to read he found himself spiralling around and around, inside some kind of colourful whirlpool where little dogs and a wicked witch of the west flew past riding bicycles... oh sorry wrong story.

He found himself spiralling down and down through a whirlpool where cheese and pizzas were abundant. He grabbed frantically at the free food trying to fill his rather large belly. Soon, Matt realised he was on the ground, and that he wasn’t in Kansas anymore... I mean Diddillibah anymore. Another two hours and Matt was on his feet again and his destiny awaited him, or some shit like that. As he trudged along the pathway made of cheese he passed by many a creature. In the distance, just over the horizon, the land of ‘rather strong’ midgets (who looked remarkably like Oompa Lumpa’s), a man with a beard who had some part to play yet, and a teacher who was fond of stroking Matt's chin awaited him, and he thought to himself “what a wonderful world”.

THE END.

THE REVIEW:

Bronson K Volcomstalker: Nice story, ominous ending, good intro and a great character arch. Could have explained in less detail about Matt's disgusting personal habits though. I found it distressing that he has a penchant for both little boys and old ladies, but as is the character I suppose. Spike Firestorm: For a girl's story, it's not really shit.