Once upon a time in a small town named Nambourian, where McDonalds was the classiest restaurant known to man and many a trolley was thrown into Petrie Creek lived a young boy named Mattius. Actually I'm lying, this young boy wasnt even cool enough to live in Nambourian, he lived in Woombye. But then again, he didnt actually live in Woombye either, it was more just off to the right of Diddlibah road in a quaint little street named Rosemarie Drive. He didnt even live in a street.

Anyway, this little boy had no life except to venture out to pick up some pizzas for his Mama. Mattus used to go on the internet all the time and even managed to cause some havoc at his posh school by being a 'Gossip Monger' (one who gossips and publishes nasty web sites). After being asked to leave by his posh school he became a recluse. Every day he cried large elephant tears into his bowl of magenta cornflakes. One day, when he was on the internet, he began to talk to a lovely lass called Gwendolyn or 'Anal Puss' as she liked to be called in a moment of cyber sex passion. They grew to have deep feelings for each other. In fact, one could say they fell in love, or as much as two people can when they have never met.

It is peculiar to know how they could not know each other as Nambourian and the neighbouring districts usually interbred. But by some twist of, well lets call it fate, they met online and to some degree fell in love. Each day they met online to talk and fondle each other through the internet. It seemed they had been destined to be together forever. They each had the, well one might say pathetic taste in music - a small 'retro' band called Devo. They sat on the computer for hours on end, and Matt even bought a new chair from Endos so he could firmly imprint his ass. In fact Gwendolyn even started to have a shower before she went on the net in order to create a mood. You could say in a nutshell that these two were losers. In their small minds both of them were considering a meeting, one may call it a rendez-vous. Matt even looked on the internet to find a new pair of underwear. On Ebay there was a beautiful pair of underwear, they were previously owned by Elton John.

But alas, not all was peaches and cream. Their internet service providers got news of this and decided to do something about it. You see, Gwendolyn aka, Anal Puss recieved her internet from a little company called Serv Net whereas Mattus was a member of the hated and evil Smartchat. Their hate for each other had begun as they were rivals in the city of Nambourian, and had battled for decades. They were scared that if Gwendolyn and Mattus were to meet and decide to make a go of it, it would mean losing a customer to the other. So secretly the companies plotted against each other, to create the ultimate in viruses. They each hoped to create a virus which would destroy the opositions customer in order to rid the internet world of their love for each other. One day, both companies decided to launch the viruses they had each created unbeknownst to each other. However upon the simultaneous launch of the viruses, a chemical reaction occured and the computer owned by Mattus and Gwendolyn exploded! Due to the severity of the two viruses together the explosion permantly disabled Mattus's and Gwendolyn's houses from ever having the internet again. Sadly, since Mattus and Gwendolyn had never arranged to meet or swapped their last names they were never to talk again.
So, in a fit of sexual frustration they killed themselves, forever capturing their love in cyber space.

THE REVIEW:

Bronson K Volcomstalker: At long last, someone sends in a story with it's feet firmly planted in our reality. Whilst being a little far fetched in it's conception, it still seems to work with it's igneous prose and quaint descriptive clauses. What? In this story, the author takes advantage of the real-life character and sad sack of shit that is Matt Strain, and gives him a plausible situation in which he is able to be manipulated with. I did notice, however, that the main love interest was a female. Whilst not being entirely concurrent with Matt's sexual persuasion (as he is a dirty faggit), it provides the reader with a delightful refreshment after hearing of Matt's invariably foul (and fowl) Homo Adventures. This intentional innacuracy aside, the story really comes to life with the spot-on description of Nambourian and the Nambourianan way of life. And good directions to Matt's house too. Wait, should that be allowed? Spike Firestorm: Tits. If Lead character=female, it should mean tits. No tits.