NEWSPAPER MENU (an opaque conversation with Mr. Sh.)

- Roast, only roast, and roast as much as possible–a journalist’s oath

- More meat, blood, fat, and greasy spots – the secret of success

- Those suffering from chronic gastritis, frequent belching, intermittent constipation, or excessive shyness – please, do not even try to pay attention!

- You cannot chew a newspaper – unless you either recuperate, or die.

- And never serve a menu without a thorough study of the client’s purse! (the golden rule)

1. A hot fact – what can be better and more fragrant? Serve only fresh, directly from a hot fry-pen, and serve the table only with knives, nothing more!
2. A hot peppered fact – a great piece of Oriental cuisine for these keen on fresh meat! And don’t economize pepper, pour it by cups – these lovers of spicy, piquant, and little bit fragrant things will be thankful to you for their whole lives.
3. A hot fact with horseradish – a favorite of lonely or temporarily depressed women. If the portion of horseradish is gradually increased, you may eventually serve just horseradish only, without any facts – and no complaints will follow. The main thing is – never make mistakes when you determine the sex of today’s client!
4. A hot fact with blood – the favorite of all respectable bourgeois. The bloodier the better… And don’t feign modesty in vain.. The main thing – don’t give knuckle-dusters and pistols when you serve the table. Otherwise – you risk being served yourself at the nearest table tomorrow as the next hot fact… It is so important not to make any confusion.
5. A hot smelly fact, a la François – and don’t be embarrassed by the musty smell. Even if kept in a warm place, a fact will never go bad. It just matures, gets cleaner, and becomes more like Russian barrel-kept herring, French moldy cheese, or soldiers’ foot binding. The main thing – don’t try to get it on the cheap. Such a valuable dish cannot be cheap, especially when it is authentic.
6. A hot fact with raisins and prunes – divine food for the old bachelors and playboys. The main thing – do not economize the raisins. Pour as much raisin as possible, without even a shadow of stinginess, by heaps and piles – so that everything would be obscured by the mountains of raisins. And include raisins into the menu calculation separately!
7. A hot fact with garlic and onion – food for the spinsters, high-quality pensioners, and sanctimonious persons. Garlic and onion remove well all other smells – such as smells of sweat or excrements. If you will not go to some length to remove these bad smells, as well as the hot smell of the roasted food as such, you clients may not be able to eat at all, and may afterwards die of hunger and deprivations.
8. A hot fact with sexy berries – strawberry and raspberry – add in accordance with the taste and face colors of the reader – is good for refined connoisseurs, rude pigs and hardened criminals. When you serve this kind of food, please, keep at a distance fro the client! Price is to be prepaid, better through bank transfer.
9. A twice hot fact – evil-wishers call it an “overdone” fact, Russian slang word for it being “a sole”. Must we say that the evil-wishers are always wrong? Strong teeth, healthy stomach, and total absence of any alternative food – all we need for a full satisfaction of all the present persons.

Concluding remarks: Once you read this brief menu, you don’t need to have dinners or suppers any more. You will not have any problems with food – only with stomach…

Just have the time to digest and pay for a new newspaper pleasures.

I have told you much less than I have thought, but it is more than enough for you now.

Amen.

Canonic Khanon.

(“opaque conversation” – internal).