Fire Hydrant for Board of Governors![]() |
|
![]() |
Tired of resume-padding student politicians, earnestly trying to convince you that the world will descend into anarchy if they aren't elected? Perhaps you think anarchy sounds kind of fun? Well, the Fire Hydrant is your (aqueous) solution! I don't have a resume to pad, and will probably never look for a job, but I DO have the potential to create some genuine, localized anarchy right here at UBC. You probably neither know nor care what UBC's Board of Governors (a.k.a. BoG or Board) is. I do. I've even attended about five hours of their committee meetings, and would have spoken to them if I'd had a mouth. If you elect me, I'll give a shit so you don't have to. BoG is a small group of mostly provincial appointees who run the university from behind the curtain. Martha Piper is on it. Electing me will annoy the hell out of Martha, and most of her senior administration. It's probably the most effective way to accomplish this worthy goal. With the important stuff out of the way, here are the main planks in my campaign platform (planks in platform also shown in photo at left): |
Campus Development Anyway, this sale is expected to net UBC around 600 million to a billion dollars over the next 5-10 years. While I initially believed that investing this sum and using the interest to buy beer was the way to go, I have seen the error of my ways. In fact, we need to buy a major brewery. On-campus alcohol prices could be cut by almost half if beer were available at cost. And who wouldn't want to support their studies by working nights at a brewery, complete with all the beer they could drink without passing out? Now that's what I call an investment. It'll breathe life into this campus like stores and residents never would. Oh, and did you know that UBC's development subsidiary, UBC Properties Trust, is owned by UBC Properties Investments Limited, which is in turn owned by UBC and Loblaws? I will ensure that the proposed South Campus supermarket is not assigned to Loblaws (SuperValu, Extra Foods, Superstore,...) in an inside deal. As a fire hydrant, I believe in getting things out in the open, preferably rapidly and under high pressure. This case is black and white (by contrast, I'm only red and white) -- it's a conflict of interest. Policy A paucity of policy on policies potentially produces a plethora of poor or purposeless policies, possibly propagating pandemonium. I propose a Policy Policy, to preclude the proliferation of pointless policies (our present plight). A Policy Policy represents my paramount policy priority. Given the other policies present, I consider it shocking that we still do not have a policy specifically addressing alien invasions. If my policy policy did not preclude such a policy, I would propose one based on the current snow closure policy. It's not obvious to me which of the two would be invoked more frequently. Tuition UBC's Administration UBC Pemberton One of my gripes with the current campus is that it was landscaped by homesick easterners, such that the trees are all non-native species that look dead throughout the school year. In Pemberton, I'll see if we can keep some of the original conifers in place, instead of trying to make the campus look like Ontario or England. UBC's garbage can squirrels and pizza-theiving seagulls also don't really belong on campus. I will resist pressure to name the new campus after Ike Barber, no matter how much he donates. And if any candidate can resist pressure, it's me -- I'm rated to 250 psi. Don't like our swampy, mushy grass here either? I'm a fluid mechanic, with a solid background in hydrology. Leave it to me. |
|
![]() So vote Fire Hydrant for BoG. Everybody's doing it, it'll be fun. They also serve who only stand and wait for a wrench. Obscure technicality: What actually happens if I really do get elected. (not particularly humourous) |
|
![]() Visit http://www.ams.ubc.ca/elections January 14-21 (5pm each) and vote. Please. |