Jokes

	Sorry for eating the peanuts A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Laughter.... I remember what that was!!! you start by opening your eyes a little wider when you catch the punch line or see the pie hit the face then you would feel the uncontrollable urge to let out this weird sound and when it wouldn't stop you would roll on the floor holding your stomach. Often others would join you but eventually it would wear itself out and you would go on with a sore stomach and jaw for a while. Though it was a bit uncomfortable at the time it always seemed to be enjoyed and sought out again. You would either repeat the story or make one up of your own and it would be a pleasure to hear others laugh as you did at the first time hearing it. Often you would join them with these funny noises again. I am told it is Laughter and what we were laughing at is called a joke. Please won't you send us some?
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."	A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in... I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent	Dog Property Rules 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
	A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
	Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before	You might be a redneck if... You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.