The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. [Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery] Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing! [Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me] Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue! [Airplane] Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads--they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude. [Ferris Bueler's Day Off] Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically. [A Night at the Roxbury] You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough. [Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me] I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists. That still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me". [Ferris Bueler's Day Off] You're not the boss of me, Jack! You're not the king of Dirk! I'm the boss of me! I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler! I'm the star! [Boogie Nights] Poisoned barbed wire. A feeble attempt to frighten lesser minds. [Ernest in the Army] Stupid is as stupid does. [Forrest Gump] Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it. [Ferris Bueler's Day Off] You can't handle the truth! [A Few Good Men] Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get. [Forrest Gump] Playing to lose is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail with a blouse full of goodies, but it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals. [Hot Shots!] Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself," and the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up. [A Fish Called Wanda] My eyes are ceramic. Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians. [Hot Shots!] Topper Harley: So ... I guess you've been with a man before... Ramada: I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it. [Hot Shots!] If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer! [Ace Ventura: Pet Detective] Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. [Airplane] Saddam Hussein: "Now I will kill you until you die from it!" [Hot Shots! Part Deux] These men have a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them... [Hot Shots! Part Deux] Roy: I woke up early and took the liberty of milking the cow. Amish man: We don't have a cow, we have a bull. Roy: I'm gonna brush my teeth. [Kingpin] Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do? [Speed] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then you the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok. [Taxi Driver] Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass! [There's Something About Mary] Happy Gilmore to Bob Barker: "The price is wrong, bitch!" [Happy Gilmore] If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell! [Ace Ventura: Pet Detective] Spank you Helpy Helperton! [Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls] I love the smell of napalm in the morning. [Apocalypse Now] Good? Bad? I'm the one with the gun. [Army of Darkness] Traffic was murder; you know one of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Anna...God-awful mess. [Fletch] I'm here to do one of two things, kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum. [They Live] I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion. [Nicholas Cage] I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. [Groucho Marx] I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk? [Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry]