From tellswor@slonet.org Sun Nov 14 11:27:24 1999
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 17:11:54 -0800 (PST)
From: Thomas S. Ellsworth 
To: good-clean-fun@egroups.com
Subject: GCF: Signs You Might Be Canadian (Translated)

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Last week I posted the list of 35 "Signs You Might Be Canadian". Many people
did not know what some of the terms meant (me included!), so I asked the
Canadian readers to help me out here. Many people responded. In fact, when I
started putting this response together, I realized that I needed to edit it
quite a bit (of course that's when I saw that it had grown to 49 pages!) So
if you sent me a response and you don't see your exact words here, be
assured that I did read them (every last word). What follows is the
distillation of the comments of the 80+ readers who responded.

Each of the original statements is immediately followed by any needed
translation and is then followed by selected comments by my Canadian friends. 

==========================================================================
 1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
--------------------------------------------------
Whut are "movies"? We dun gots us "pitcher shows" in this necka tha wuds, EH!

==========================================================================
 2. You know Toronto is not a province.
--------------------------------------------------
In Canada, Toronto is not considered either a city or province.  
It is the centre of the universe.

==========================================================================
 3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just
spilled my poutine"

[Serviette (sir-vee-ET) - a table napkin.]

[Poutine (pou-TIN)  - a French Canadian fast food: french fries (chips) with
cheese curd and brown gravy.]
--------------------------------------------------
A poutine is one of my favourite foods. It's delicious.
--------------------------------------------------
Sounds disgusting doesn't it? It's a Quebec thing.
--------------------------------------------------
A delicacy.
--------------------------------------------------
My future husband explained "poutine" to me this evening. *ahem* cheese curd
isn't bad. hehehe
--------------------------------------------------
Ah my favorite.  Ummm Ummm, looks gross but tastes great.
--------------------------------------------------
Sounds gross, but it's totally yummy!!
--------------------------------------------------
Poutine is something that may sound disgusting but is amazingly good if made
correctly.  The best place to get it is from the street vendors in Ottawa.
Burger King tried to cash in on our love for poutine, but failed.  It's the
worst poutine ever!
--------------------------------------------------
McDonald's is the only major fast food place up here that doesn't sell it.
Wendy's, A&W and Dairy Queen carry it.
--------------------------------------------------
Man, you can just hear the arteries clogging. For the record, Montreal,
Quebec poutine is the best.

==========================================================================
 4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
--------------------------------------------------
Hey, if it's covered in chocolate and in the shape of a bar it's a chocolate
bar.

==========================================================================
 5. You drink pop, not soda.
--------------------------------------------------
Well I don't really know why we call it pop but I never heard a "soda sound"
while opening a fizzy drink but I sure have heard a "pop sound" before.

==========================================================================
 6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
--------------------------------------------------
Pogey is maritime slang for collecting unemployment insurance. Some of us
have never collected in our lives. Others dip in as soon as they have the
required weeks accumulated.
--------------------------------------------------
How else would the unemployed pay rent and buy beer?
--------------------------------------------------
Unemployment Insurance, or as it's now called "Employment Insurance"  Don't 
ask - we don't understand that one either!
--------------------------------------------------
The governement has interfered so much with this benefit that workers need a
full time job to be able to qualify for the support payments.

==========================================================================
 7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
--------------------------------------------------
A mickey is a (just a second, I have to check a bottle) 375mL bottle of alcohol.
--------------------------------------------------
A "2-4" is a 24 pack of beer.... real beer... not that American water stuff.
--------------------------------------------------
The long weekend in May, obsensibly to celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday
on the Twenty-Fourth, is called the 2-4 weekend -- first big bash at the lake.
--------------------------------------------------
Camp is the Ontario term for what we in the West call the cottage, a summer
home, usually at a lake. Some 'camps' are larger and more well appointed
than many permanent homes.

==========================================================================
 8. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
--------------------------------------------------
Hmm. This Canadian does.
--------------------------------------------------
Ever heard of Don Cherry? Well if you watch Hockey Night in Canada don't
change channels between periods because this guy is pretty brutal.
--------------------------------------------------
One of Canada's most beloved hockey personalities (beloved by some, despised by 
others) Don Cherry (he used to coach the Boston Bruins, so he does have
American 
ties) has a short segment during intermission on Hockey Night In Canada (the 
Saturday night hockey game).  This segment, called Coaches Corner, is a time 
when Don, along with hockey commentator Ron Maclean, discuss the game in their 
unique style.  It is tremendously entertaining, as Don Cherry is as politically 
in-correct as a person can get (but he's certainly not offensive) and he and 
Ron shoot verbal jabs at each other.   It's very hard to describe the novelty 
of it - it's unique!  People who don't care for hockey will tune in just to see 
Don and Ron during intermission.  It's very funny!  
--------------------------------------------------
An intermission feature on TV broadcasts of NHL hockey. Ron McLean is the
straight man to Don Cherry, an opinionated former NHL coach, very taken with
loud ties, high collared shirts, and himself.

==========================================================================
 9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
--------------------------------------------------
That's because we have so much of it.
--------------------------------------------------
Doesn't everyone?
--------------------------------------------------
If you don't like the weather in Canada, wait ten minutes, it will change!

==========================================================================
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place
to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
--------------------------------------------------
You bet, it's a good place to party ... I mean take a well deserved holiday.
--------------------------------------------------
Someone has to get the cigars.

==========================================================================
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it
instead of telling them to stay out of it.
-------------------------------------------------
There is nobody that cares that much about anything and we figure that we
elect other people so we don't have to.

==========================================================================
12. You know what a tuque is.

[Tuque (TUK) or Toque which is the French word - a warm knitted usually
pointed stocking cap.]
--------------------------------------------------
Good heavens... doesn't anyone in the US use a knitted stocking hat for winter?
--------------------------------------------------
A toque is God's gift to Canadians: while being the practically perfect way
to keep one's head warm in the winter (a long, comfy and close-fitting
knitted cap, often with pom-poms on top), it suffices to say that the toque
is incontrovertibly a style of its own.
--------------------------------------------------
What the heck do you wear on your head when YOU go skiing?
--------------------------------------------------
It's pulled down over the ears and covers most of the hairline, but is
pushed up over the eyebrows so we can see into the blizzards.

==========================================================================
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
--------------------------------------------------
3 bags are sold together for a total of 4 litres (a little under a gallon).
You need a special plastic or ceramic holder (kinda like a pitcher). You put
the bag of milk into the holder, slit off a corner of the plastic bag and
then you can 
pour the milk. They freeze great.

==========================================================================
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
--------------------------------------------------
(Northern) Pike is indeed a fish, although that is the fancy name that we
give to the US fishermen we're trying to impress. When Canadians catch 'em
they're called Jackfish.

==========================================================================
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? No really, I am asking.
(Tom's response: I dunno. After you chop a tree down, you chop it up. You
blow on your hands to warm them up and blow on your soup to cool it off.
Language! Go figure!)

==========================================================================
16. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that's some small town in Quebec!
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, I have a cousin who lives there and you are right, it is small!

==========================================================================
17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
--------------------------------------------------
A Robertson screwdriver has a square tip. It is superior as you can stick it
in a screw and the screw will stay on the screwdriver until you have
finished screwing it in.
--------------------------------------------------
4 main sizes.... 0 (smallest)(yellow handle) 1 (green handle) 2 (most
common, red handle) 3 (larges, black handle)

==========================================================================
18. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

[Canadian Tire is a nationwide retail chain selling automotive products,
sporting goods, home and garden hardware and plumbing supplies.]
--------------------------------------------------
There is a department store in Canada called "Canadian Tire". They issue
coupons in the form of Canadian Tire dollars. They are worthless unless you
redeem them at the store. Many Canadians simply leave them lying in their
kitchen drawers with the thought of someday redeeming them.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't shop there often.
--------------------------------------------------
http://www.canadiantire.ca/CTenglish/ctmoney.html will give a history of
Canadian Tire and you can even see what Canadian Tire Money looks like.
--------------------------------------------------
Also something which has been spotted in the hands of confused American
tourists attempting to purchase Big-Macs.
--------------------------------------------------
To encourage cash purchases they give you a small percentage of this
Canadian Tire Money back.  It's just fancy looking monopoly money but it has
paper bills for coins. We put it in the kitchen drawers so one day we have
enough to buy the store.
--------------------------------------------------
Just this year I've collected and spent $150 in Canadian Tire money.  That's
one free ladder and $40 bucks off a new hunting coat.

==========================================================================
19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
--------------------------------------------------
Thrills are purple chicklet-type gum that used to be only 5¢ a pack. Of
course for your cheap thrill you got a soapy-tasting chew. Yuck.
--------------------------------------------------
This is a type chewing gum with a unique fruity flavour that has a slightly
soapy taste. You've gotta taste it to know what we are talking about. They
taste great but the gum turns hard after a few minutes of chewing.
--------------------------------------------------
They DO taste like soap. I don't know why people chew it.
--------------------------------------------------
Thrills are really bad tasting purple gum. They kind of look like Chiclets.
But they taste like soap.
--------------------------------------------------

==========================================================================
20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
--------------------------------------------------
You mean like that cute guy on "Due South" that dresses in that darling red
uniform? Of course they all do.  :)
--------------------------------------------------
The red serge is their dress uniform, which is worn only for ceremonial
events. The everyday uniform is very much like that worn by American police
officers. 

==========================================================================
21. Back Bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
--------------------------------------------------
Known as Canadian Bacon south of the border. Or sometimes Peameal Bacon.
Kraft Dinner is macaroni & cheese in a box.
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, and the other two are poutines and big macs.  I think fruit and
vegetables might be another one but I am not sure.

==========================================================================
22. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
--------------------------------------------------
Amen!
--------------------------------------------------
Other great Canadian comic actors ....  Michael J. Fox, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy,
Leslie Nielson, Jim Carey, and others.  The best comedy talent in the USA is
obviously Canadian in origin.  I will also mention that Peter Jennings and
Alex Trebek are also Canadians, though they are not particularly funny.

==========================================================================
23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
--------------------------------------------------
Casey and Finnegan were two well-loved puppet characters on a children's show, 
called "Mr. Dressup", which ran for 30 years or more.  Casey was a little boy 
and Finnegan was his dog.  Mr. Dressup was Ernie Coombs, a very popular 
children's entertainer, who has just recently retired.  Similar to Mr. Rogers, 
but more jolly!

==========================================================================
24. You participated in "Participaction".
--------------------------------------------------
"Particip-Action" was a national program, promoting a physically active
lifestyle.  People across the country were encouraged to take part in sport
and recreational activities so we wouldn't become a nation of couch potatoes. 
--------------------------------------------------
One of my favourite commercials went... "Participaction says, Walk a block a
day... and call us when you get to Winnipeg."
--------------------------------------------------
The initial spur came from a TV commercial that claimed that the average 70
year old Swede was in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian.

==========================================================================
25. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale: "What's
good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
--------------------------------------------------
Inuit Carvings are soapstone carvings made by the Inuit (Eskimoes). Several
years ago, some nut-case broke into the Prime Ministers residence. (Some
mountie heads rolled on that one). When the PM heard someone in the house,
he grabbed the carving that was beside his bed and went after the guy. No
one got hurt in the incident, although if you've ever seen the way the PM
handles heckler's who get in his face, you'd be surprised that he didn't
brain the intruder!

(Tom's note: I was sent several versions of this story. In some of them, the
intruder was hit in the head with the carving. Who knows what you can do
when you are armed with soapstone?)

==========================================================================
26. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
--------------------------------------------------
I do NOT wonder why there is not a five dollar coin. I think that the two
dollar coin was the stupidest thing ever invented.
--------------------------------------------------
Just for the record, the $5 coin would be a $2 coin in American funds.
--------------------------------------------------
We no longer have 1 or 2 dollar bills in Canada. The $1 bill was replaced by
a coin with a Loon on it, affectionately known as a "Loonie." The $2 coin
has a picture of the Queen on the front and a polar bear on the backside.
Inspite of attempts to have the coin known as a "Queen with a bear behind",
for some reason is known as a "Twoonie."
--------------------------------------------------
You always hate when you buy a 75 cent coffee with a $10 bill and the
cashier replies I have no $5 dollar bills.  You then end up with 4 twoonies,
1 loonie and a quarter.  Wouldn't a "fivie" 1 loonie and a quarter be
lighter to carry around all day?


==========================================================================
27. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't
possess a Canadian passport.
--------------------------------------------------
I happen to have a Canadian passport and under ocupation I have listed
myself as an international assassin/terrorist/spy to avoid suspicion.
--------------------------------------------------
We donut need wun cuzz the best fishin' is rite here in Canader, EH!

==========================================================================
28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing
'u's from labor, honor, and color.
--------------------------------------------------
American text book authors don't know how to spell.  Their labour, although
often honourable and colourful, is not centred in it's efforts in relation
to Canadian spelling.
--------------------------------------------------
You think that's bad? You should see how angry I get when spell-check on
Microsoft Word keeps telling me I don't know how to spell them correctly.
--------------------------------------------------
We cants help it if'n yew fokes donut no how ter spel, EH?

==========================================================================
29. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added",
thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
--------------------------------------------------
All commercial labelling (not just cereal) in Canada have to have bi-lingual
labeling. The labels have to be in French and English.

==========================================================================
30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
--------------------------------------------------
For sure, eh?
--------------------------------------------------
Don't you get excited when we mention you on our Canadian networks?

==========================================================================
31. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
--------------------------------------------------
Or so they told me at the coffee machine.

==========================================================================
32. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
 "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
--------------------------------------------------
Huh?
--------------------------------------------------
Heck, if a kid starts singing this in the mall, everyone will stop and do
the actions with them!
--------------------------------------------------
Sharon, Lois and Bram are children's entertainers who's theme song is:

Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
I love you in the morning and in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening and underneath the moon.
Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
 
There are hand actions. Their TV shows have included "Skin-a-ma-rink"
"Sharon, Lois & Bram" "The Elephant Show" and they currently have another
show on the air, but I can't remember the name. They've been around for ever.

==========================================================================
33. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
--------------------------------------------------
Yech!
--------------------------------------------------
Yeah ... good stuff!
--------------------------------------------------
I can also look at poutine and get hungry even though it looks terrible.
--------------------------------------------------
One is never enough!
--------------------------------------------------
But not in the same day. They are terribly sweet! Residents of Vermont can
probably do the same. We don't see them often around here. And Maple syrup
is priced just below gold on current exchanges.
--------------------------------------------------
That's just from shear endurance and repetition. You got to build up stamina.

==========================================================================
34. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
--------------------------------------------------
I was not disappointed when the Beachcombers were cancelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Not me!! ... crumby show.
--------------------------------------------------
Absoultely. This was a 1970's & 1980's sit-com / drama that took place on
the West Coast (near Vancouver, BC).
--------------------------------------------------
The Beachcombers was a neat show set on the west coast of Canada in a small
town called "Gibson's Landing" known simply as "Gibsons." Bruno Gerusi
played 'Nick.' The restaraunt in the show, 'Molly's Reach' was a real
restaraunt, and filming was actually done in the restaraunt. 
--------------------------------------------------
I even wrote a letter to the network about it, didn't everyone?

==========================================================================
35. You have some momento of Doug and Bob. 
--------------------------------------------------
Two commedians from the SCTV improv show. They poked fun at the Canadian
stereotype of hockey-crazed, beer swilling, tuque-wearing guys. So, like
take off, eh?
--------------------------------------------------
First of all, I'm Canadian and who the heck are Doug and Bob?
--------------------------------------------------
Bob & Doug MacKenzie were the creation of Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis on
SCTV (Second City TV). Other alumnus of SCTV are John Candy, Joe Flaherty,
Andrea Martin, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara & Martin Short. 
--------------------------------------------------
I still have momentos of the boys, including a pirated copy of their full
length	movie "Strange Brew".  But don't tell anyone.  I'm armed with an
Inuit carving.

             _  _____________________________________  _
            / )|        Thomas S. Ellsworth          |( \
           / / |        tellswor@slonet.org          | \ \
         _( (_ |   http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor   | _) )_
        (((\ \>|_/ )_____________________________( \_|
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