THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
Richard Lederet, St. Paul's School
Intro: One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History
teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an
essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world
from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessart and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas
of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God
asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who
brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of david's sons,
had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have
history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian,
Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles
appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that
name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advise. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were
so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they faught with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Romans
conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never
stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets the guests wore
garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrrany who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice
for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were
alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote
many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells
of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on
his son's head.
The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at
Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's
interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important inventior
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world
with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited
mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess
on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they
all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous because of
his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays,
Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long
soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a
heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hole. The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later,
the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims
Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their cabooses, which proved
very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the
Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the
colonists would send their parcels through the post without any
stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay
for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had
gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of
bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married
Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our country. Then
the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to
keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only
a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham
Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington
to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment
gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather
torcher and lynch the ex- negroes and other innocent victims. It
claimed it represented law and oder. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when
the apples are falling off trees. Bach was the most famous composer
in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Beetoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beetoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revloution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling
in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills
and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder
problems, and was very tense and nrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the
British Empire is on the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen
Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her
reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a
great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her
reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. CyrusMcCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote The Organ of the Species Madman Curie discovered radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War,
caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a surf ushered in a new
error in the anals of human history.
(
geocities.com/vummintala)