3/5/06 It has been a long time since I updated. Glenn and I are engaged now...and I am really excited about the idea of starting a family, of marriage and spending my life with him.
I still think of "He who shall not be named." I am still Carrie dealing with Mr. Big issues. Something in my heart still tells me things are not done, but they have to be, in order for my life to move on. I dont think I will ever stop loving him..but I have to find a way.
I remain,
Melissa
11/25/05 So, I have not updated in a long while. Here I am, watching Sex and the City on channel 11 and the topic is based on old relationships haunting the heart. I am very in love with my handfasted husband, "G". We are married in the eyes of the Gods and soon to be fianced. He is moving here from the UK after finishing his NEXT degree (he already has an MA). And yet, I am feeling some haunting.
Carrie, on Sex and the City, has an on again off again relationship with Mr. Big. And I find myself thinking of "HE". It could be because it is winter, because the first heavy snowfall makes me think of him. I am not sure what it is...but I still think of "HIM", even though he is a total douchebag, a disgusting insect. I remember him, perhaps, as I want to remember him, in times when the world was different...when he and I were standing strong against it all. I wonder if he will haunt me for all my days...if I will forever be bound to him and question why....why...on so many levels.
8/16/05 Let me tell you the wonderful misadventures of "He Who Shall not be named." I find out yesterday he is now in a relationship. He happens to be listed as a friend of mine on a site not unlike livejournal. So, curiousity forces me to take a look at his profile and I instantly find this lovely little diamond he has entangled himself with. Oh, trust me. This is PRECIOUS.
She is 23. A goth...and lets not forget, he hates goths..thinks we all have issues, are immature and have not grown up to face the real world..cause he is such a sunny personality..those are his words, exactly. She Claims to be wiccan but has satanic stars on her site...is BI...AND has a 6yr old daughter. Appearance wise, she is not bad..but nothing remarkable. Kinda frumpy. Her writing style is "Like...", "OMG", "All I do is F*** him all day long", "He is soo popular...".
SO he is now in a relationship with a frumpy whore (pregant at 16 and this into his cock...make your own deductions) who is desperately striving to be cool..failing..and has the grammer of a preteen with a crush.
Now, this is instantly going to sound like a jilted ex girlfriend thing. BACK THAT TRUCK UP, SOOO NOT THE CASE.
I was so completely excited about this, it was insane. To me, he is absolutely disgusting now, to associate himself like this..to raise another mans child just to get in her breeches. Proves he is a liar, that his words mean squat. Oh, I cant wait to see this train wreck happen. I think this is WONDERFUL. Its that simple, shaken head sensation of..."This is what he has to replace me?"...Oh, to think he has slummed THIS LOW just floors me, makes me giggle like a school girl...oh yes...he is such a nasty bastard, its insane!! I truly hope he knocks this chic up and gets stuck with her for all time. Oh, this is more than KARMA can possibly repay!! MUAHAHAHAHA.
6/26/05 Happy Belated birthday to "Him", 6/24.
I thought I wanted a boyfriend. Turns out, all I wanted was cable.
I love "M". Really and truly I do. I am just not in love with him. We had a wonderful several days together, coexisting and exploring our relationship. It was delightful, sensual and at times very deep and very fun. But we are better as friends than lovers. Better as friends than in a relationship. I came to that conclusion and spoke with him about it on Friday night...late late Friday night...and then again on Saturday. "M" understands. I knew he would. We have a lot of years of loving each other built into this friendship where no bullshit can ever be told.
Truth be told, my heart is just not done with "Him". I thought I could move on, was ready to move on. But I would rather be alone in my bed each night than take a lover or two...I would rather sit in the depths of darkness than share the radiance of my light with another person. I am still in love with "Him", I probably always will be. I miss him with such terror in my spirit. I long for him with each beat of my heart...and I recall him with each warm caress of the breeze against my skin. No, I am not yet ready to move on. I am not yet ready to call another my love...when my heart is still lingering somewhere in the limbo of "His" hands. Pathetic, right? 6/14/05 Things have been hectic as of late...been very busy. My weekends are sapped up till August at this rate and I am craving some time alone, some time off from the world. I think its weighing on me since I have not been drinking and forced to deal with life without the help of alcohol. Damn, I am an ugly sober.
Still not sleeping. Too much going on in my head right now to find comfort and relief.
If my bonus from work comes in on Friday I am definately purchasing an air conditioner and maybe Dynasty Warriors 5. I have to stock the house with food for "M" for his two week visit.
On the health topic: I have tons of "Smart Ones" in the fridge, trying to diet sensibly for a change. I am also quitting smoking. I am enrolled in a program through work that starts on Thursday for 8wks. I have to do it this time, smoking is bad and my asthma has been acting up hard core with this intense heat/humidity wave going through NY for the past three weeks. Something has to change and taking a multivitamin alone just doesnt help anymore. Not to mention my knee is acting up pretty bad. I really have to get it looked at, but I fear what will be said. I also have to get a refill on all of my scripts and see my doctor in the next two weeks before I run out of my inhaler.
The Love life is intact. Really looking forward to connecting with "M" and getting things started for our life together. It is bittersweet in many ways, I havent come home to someone since "HIM"...and I hate to admit it but I still look for his car when I pull up my street. A part of me will always wonder if he will just show up to at least prove to me he is not a total bitch and has not completely gone back on his promise to not lose communication. OF course, he has done so...even though he promised otherwise. I shouldnt be surprised and I guess I am not. But I thought he understood we dont do well without each other in our lives, even in a friend capacity. I suppose I could check his blogs on myspace.com, but I just cant bring myself to do that..I dont think I want to know about his life, as much as I would like to know how he is, that he is alright. I am trying to let go as completely as I can. But there is that little nagging feeling in the back of my mind that he has cut off contact because he is afraid to see me unhappy and wants me to move forward in my life. OF course, I am probably WAY off base, he doesnt have that in his heart to give. But if that was the case, its a shitty way of doing it. "He" knows I will always think of him and a part of me will always love him. So, that excuse wont fly on either end. I have gotten better in many respects though when it comes to "Him", I have convinced myself he is dead to me, and that makes it easier. But I still think of him and he still comes up in conversation...and I still dream of him. But that is par for the course when you have that kind of connection with someone and its soul deep.
On the cheerier side of news, I truly believe "M" and I are going to be a helluva couple. We want the same things out of life and we want it to be with each other. I didnt think I could love again after "Him"...but i do, at last. And two weeks together is going to be blissful.
Thats it for now. Will update soon, I suppose.
5/27/05 There is someone new and special in my life..someone I have loved for so long...someone who is with me at last...soon to be in NY with me...where we can start our lives together. He offers me all I could possibly desire...love, romance, understanding, emotional availability, promises of the future. He is shear perfection...truly. I do think of "HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED", but I realize I always will. I will always love him..always care for him...always wonder what would have been..always have visions of him with me for the rest of my life. He was the first to be the last...
"M" and I will make a delicious couple..probably marry and have children...but I will always know that at the end of my days...my last thought will always be of "HE"...and that is just the way of the world...
To "HIM", this song makes me think of you...and all we have done to be together we once sacrificed. You will always be in my heart...I wanted to be with you forever...but forever it seems...ended too soon...and as much as i love you, I hate you for hurting me..for hurting me..when I still love you as much as I do...and always will. I wanted you to hold my hand...keep a tight grip on it..so we would be friends forever, so we would never be seperated...Goodbye, baby. NO DOUBT - Running Lyrics
Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated
Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
[Repeat chorus twice]
(The future)
[Repeat chorus] Thats it. All I can say right now.
5/1/05 It has been a long time since last I have updated...but things have been wild..and I have been focusing on my Tekken Fanfictions which you can find here: The Mishima Compound. But things have turned dramatically on the subject of He Who Shall Not Be Named and I.
In my last update, I made mention of things yet to come. Well, they came to pass. He moved in with me sometime after that rant...and now, once more he is gone from my life, this time at my own hand...though in all reality...it was by both hands.
We had the most beautiful 4 months together if you forget the fighting and pent up aggression. We had problems communicating and it is only now, after it is over again that I know for certain we are meant to be in each others lives...in each others fate, for all time. I hurt...now that it is over..I hurt...I feel like every major organ, every bone in my body has been smacked with a sledge hammer and I am dangerously close to losing my mind...because I love him so much...and he loves me with equal fervor. I just wanted to update...I need some time before I am able to reflect on this...I love him...and I want it known here, today, at Beltane...that my love has not changed...and never will.
1/14/05 "How am I gonna get through? Tell me, what have I..what have I..what have I done to deserve this...what have I..what have I..."~Pet Shop Boys, "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"
Things are changing so rapidly I am not sure how to keep up. This year is proving to be the turning point I have long predicted. There is something about turning 30 soon that seems to put things into perspective...and its that perspective that is somewhat frightening, now that it faces me. I am not sure how to put it into words, but I will give it a whirl.
Let me begin with work. My job status right now is in peril for something totally out of my control, a medical issue with one of the individuals in my residence that has put management into a spin of inquisition. The individual will be fine, in time, but now I find myself staring down the barrel of potential termination and it has me in the shakes, literally. So much hinges upon my ability to keep my job, pay my bills, get my tenure in and collect my benefits for my asthma..especially when both of my meds are 200.00 a pop without my insurance. I cant really afford to be without work right now, and I am forced to try to save as much as possible as I meander through this difficult time. And this sudden tail spin has me in more of a quandry than I let on. I cant afford to show weakness, it is not in my character. But believe me, I want nothing more than to profess all my worries till someone pats me on the shoulder and tells me everything will be alright. I need to believe that, but my logic and realism prevents me from that. And believe me, I damn my own sense of realism to the ninth degree.
Then there is my best friends wedding. Hey, thats a movie title. heh. We have begun the planning stages for the big event and its definately weighing on my own view of life. I cant really explain how. The event does fill me with wonder for my own future when so much is still in the aire (which I will get to shortly)...but at the same time fills me with fear for making such a deep committment when I have run away from it twice over now. I wish I could understand that sense of assuredness, that sense of true comfort and security that comes from finding that one love of your life...that one person who changes your world and loves you for who you are. I dare to think I have found that at last...but as always, its a game of truth and dare with fate.
Its pretty obvious now that "He Who Shall Not Be Named" and I have returned to our old hitching post and got back together, official on New Years Eve. I am happy, I feel it in my soul...but I am still lingering with my own questions. Those are questions that will go away in time, ones like, "What happens come April, when we usually break up or have in the past?", "What if he breaks my heart again and this time it takes me down to the edge of my own sanity?", "What if its a matter of convienence for the both of us and not truly meant to be?", "What if our sudden burst of plans change, again?". But before I can ask that question, I guess I have to relate the sitiuation to the best of my ability.
"He" and I have decided we will be setting plans into motion to move in together in the next few months. We both agree this has to happen so that we can spend quality time with each other and prove ourselves to the masters of fate. I want this to happen so bad I can taste it and yet the first laid plans for "Him" to move to NY are seeming to disappear in a whisp of smoke. I have a strong sensation, when the bell tolls, that "he" will end up comfortable in his new job, his kung foo, his friends...and call me out to move to PA. And my fear then is, what if I do? What if it falls to shit? What do I have to fall back on...its not like I can run home to my parents and have them put me up until I have gotten back on my feet. If I go there, which will most likely be the case, am I giving up all I have for what might be nothing more than an apparation when matters come down to a head? I know that is my fear talking. Our track record is not so hot...but I have a tremendous fear of putting him in a bad place to make a choice...and putting myself into a situation set up for failure. Godess knows I love him, that I have never pictured another in my life in the place I set for him...but I am afraid...and what is worse is that I dont feel I can talk to him about this..he will think I am just up to my old tricks again...but how can I have a talk this serious..when I can never seem to get him alone on the phone to do so? And there is a part of me that tells myself, "How dare I ask this or anything of him. How dare I lay this on him, when this might have him turn tail. How dare I sabotage "us" by having the brass balls to talk about it." Now is that fucked up or what?
I know I am just ranting. I know that I love him and I want to be with only him. I know I will do whatever it takes to make this reality for us both. I know I have to be here for him now, when he needs me most, when he needs my reassurance and support, my promises that everything will be alright so he can sleep better at night. So much has happened to him since our last break up, I dont want him to hurt anymore and I dont want him to feel alone or burdened by my bullshit self made drama. I need to be strong for him. I need to be strong for us both. I need to have a direction planned and packaged for us both, lest "he" get too worried and fearful, too questioning and too unassured..too skittish to make this a reality, even though he loves me. But I know I am scared that this time will be like every other time...I know I am unshielded, my defenses long stripped away as mentioned in previous rants...and that leaves me open for fate to give me a swift kick in the arse. My head is so far up my anal cavity right now, I cant even see the light of day. I have to take this as compounding interest, I have to stick to my guns and listen to my heart rather than my head. I have to dare myself and fate to give me a reason to believe... 12/18/04 I feel the need to give some relatively different news for a change. And, yes it does concern "He Who Shall Not Be Named"...but there is little lament in this update..but rather something almost akin to complacent warmth.. By whim and a chance, one of my emails happened to go through and reach the eyes of "He Who shall Not Be Named"...and we spoke, often for a time after that. We agreed to get together and I will not lie to say my heart was rife with anticipation. What would it be like to see him again? Would my heart crumble like rocks tumbled too long before being pressed into dust? Would I be swept up in the myriad of emotions that such a meeting would bring...would I cave to my heart..and forget myself? Would I slip back into the modes I had long ago taken in his presence...or would I be myself...as I am and have become since my growth spurt...since the time of my more base judgements and sentences? Well, yes and no. The get together did infact happen. And it was..dare I say, almost perfect?
I did not mock, accuse, pressure for answers or guilt our varied conversations. I did not cave to my own natural instincts in his presence. I was "Me"...and that was a relief in so many ways, I can not even begin to put a value on such a simple situation. I did not become one of the many roles I have taken in my previous relationships with "Him" but rather let them all come as time and want dictated. And it felt good. It felt right. It felt almost frightening. Has anyone of my faithful readers ever wondered what it is that binds two souls together? What role fate has to play in the grand drama of our lives? Why there are messages in every action, reaction and breath that are multiple to read..and still leave you lingering in the state of perpetual confusion? What if there truly is a higher order to the way of life...what if destiny truly existed and showed itself? Would you be ready to see it or would you rationalize it as some poorly cooked Thai food that sat with weight on your gut? I do not claim to know if Fate and Destiny are walking hand in hand on the beaches of Malibu. But I wonder now, more than ever, if we are but pawns on the chessboard, trying so hard to strategize..to tactically conquer what our paradigms prove to be negative and positive influences. Do we really have a choice in those we love? Or when it comes down to brass tacks, are we simply part of the stage...in a long search to understand the characters we play in this human drama? I know this much. The moment his azure eyes met my own, the world faded away...and the ills of the past, the injuries of our war...were gone. There was only two souls, desperate to find each other..starved for all these months for just a taste of its mate...and sated for a single moment... I know I should be asking myself what happens now. I know I should be posting sentry at the gates of my heart for fear of what is and what could once more be. I know I should not even consider a third go round...and yet, a deeper instinct keeps me calm and grounded. My soul itself is..full...hydrated and complete as though it is the first time in so long it has fed... I guess I do wonder what happens now...but I dare not voice it to myself, for fear of disappointment...for fear of the hopes themselves being more grandiose than what either of us can accomplish. What of his dreams...would my being in his life prevent him from attaining them? What of my own "Situations"? Would my optimism and complacency in my love for him prevent me from coming to a cross roads in my relationships with any of the potential contenders to the throne? What if I am just wishful thinking...and none of this is more than a dream that fades with dawns first light? What if I still love him...and the King Returns at Last...? What would I give? What could he give to assuage my own heart? Could he give me more than the present? Could he give me the future? The world tied up in pretty ribbons with a love note attached? The White horse and raging red sunset with the idea of living happily ever after? I know this is so much to ask after so short of a time..but when you factor in all the make ups and break ups, the obvious connections...the sensations and love I find only in his heart, only in his touch..only in his eyes, does fate and destiny sit and smile to see us as we are now? Is it wrong that after all this time and all the lovers I have had in my bed these past eight months..that I cant recall a single kiss or a single touch..unless it is his? So, I am ranting in some ill concieved moral quandry. Drama seems to have taken hold of me when in truth, I enjoy today and do not truly concern myself with tomorrow..tomorrow always comes, it always takes care of itself. Once upon a time, I asked the Gods to give me but one more night, one more day to test the truth of my heart and convictions. I have had that now, twice over...so I am blessed. Now, it is quiet in my apartment and the scent of him lingers all through me, all across my skin and lips...and I am hungry again...and he has been gone only a few hours.
What do you do when you realize you never fell out of love? What do you do when you realize there is more to life than just a series of "Todays"...do you allow yourself to ask if there are "tomorrows"? What do I do now, when I realize that no matter how full my dance card is with others...that I love him still...with the strength of my heart and purity of my very soul...do I wager my fortune on one roll of the wheel? 11/20/04 It is now after midnight and just got home from spending the entire day and night with "F"..what a wonderful time we had. It was a marathon date and we had a blast. He took me to dinner, a movie, drinks and all, and we talked for hours hehehe yeah, that is what the kids are calling it these days. No, seriously, we did do a good deal of talking...its been awhile since I had a long drawn out conversation on an emotional level with someone. This one has potential. "F" will be accompanying me to my work christmas party on 12/10 at a very exclusive resort...it should be a blast. The only major drawback is distance and schedule. He lives in CT, about 2hrs from me, and in the winter months it does get difficult to manage time. Not to mention he works two jobs, so again...hard time to manage. And of course, I do realize that I am not so much interested in LONG distance any more. Although I enjoy my independence, it would be nice to have one person on my arm, who is with me for all the fun busy times...to sit and wrap xmas gifts with me over a cup of hot cocoa. Yeah, romantic and unrealistic, I know.
And lets not forget that a part of my heart will always belong to a certain someone. "F" has a good deal to live up to, since that person is on a pedastal...and I have to contend with the unrealistic place I put him in...even if I believe he was the other half of me, eitherway. The Good times were good, the bad times were horrific...but when we were together, we were a helluva partnership. I really thought that was the "it" of my life...and any potentials to full that void have a long battle ahead of them.
"B" is back in the picture, his band is doing wonderfully..recording their album. I have always had a thing for lead singers hehehehe. Been there, done that and got the Tshirt for that ride heh. And lets not forget "PT" is still in the running. Steve on the other hand, has finally aggrevated me to no end. I think women need four important things from their partner: "Attention, affection, Romance and Care." But, there is a sharp difference between these and "Clinginess". Please. This guy could write the book on clingy...and thats fine if there is love in the air..but not this one. So, needless to say..juggling is primary right now...but I can say, in all honesty, I am not in love either PT, B or F...
And then, there is RRJ. I did love him very much, I simply regret that time and distance were against us. I regret that I met him so soon after my first break up with "He Who Shall Not Be Named"..because I could have been happy with him...I could have been a devoted wife for him..which is what he wanted. Imagine that? A guy who wants committment instead of running away from it..and I am not talking straight jacket here! He still lavishes me with poetry, sealed letters...the sweetest words ever whispered. The Jew in my blood (which sounds a lot like Fran from the Nanny) is going "Oi..he is gorgeous, he is stable and secure...he is great in the sack and can wield a helluva whip, what are you waiting for!". I guess there is no simple answer to the mystery of my heart. There is little doubt there was love there...but not the kind I was ready for. I dont know if I am ready for it now. Heh, imagine that, a woman walking away from a proposal yet again. And those who know me best, know I am looking forward to the day when I dawn the ring to my mate and begin a life with a new chapter and write the "Story of Us"..Insert gent here. But yet, I walk away from it...I keep potential serious beaus at a distance..they have their uses..but I just dont see forever in their eyes. At this rate, I will be 50, single and making cheese in the basement with 29 cats LOL. I guess I am just waiting for the right person to come along and sweep me off my feet..without getting a back injury LOL.
Thanksgiving is coming and of course, I am working. I prefer it that way and will be working all the holidays. But the plus side is that I will get to cook the feast, woohoo. So, what am I thankful for? My Health, my friends, my memories, my future...
Happy Thanksgiving to all, may your hearts be blessed and your bellys full!
Melissa
11/03/04
Its been a month since my last update and thought I would jot down a few quick events. Things have been hectic, as usual, and I find myself having little time these days between work, life and my LOTR Posting (I am such a geek!!)
Lets begin with work. I have a staff in the house working hard to try to get me fired, so I have started to really mind my P's & Q's. With a car payment now, I cant really afford to lose my job and I am currently working on finding a second one, just incase. Eitherway, it will be good supplimental income. So, that is stressing me out a bit but there is really nothing I can do about it. And I hate situations where I cant exert some level of control. I dont like being at the hands of someone elses decisions or divisive means.
Life, well that is another story. Been dating like a fiend and having a grand old time. Got rid of two of the three I was dating "B" and "S" are outta my continuum. "PT" is still around and a new one, we will call "F" who looks alot like Peter Steele from Type O Negative (see pic above MEOWWWWW!) is in the running now. There is a third as well I am considering, but more about that one as it unfolds :wicked gryn: Otherwise, I have been spending time with my best friends JS and MS and just having some all out fun. Finally cut back on the drinking, havent really imbibed any libations since August.
Samhain has come and gone and I am pleased to say I participated in the turning of the wheel of the year. A very sacred time in the order and cycles of our lives. Blessed Be.
I am picking up, LOTR Third Age for PS2 today since it is the release date, on my way to Jersey to spend a few days with my best friend MS. And on that vein, I finally named my car officially...and I have decided on "Narya". Since she is a brilliant blood red, what was more appropriate than the name of the Third Elven Ring, the Ring of Fire..first Carried by Gil Galad (who you see as the blonde elf beside Galadriel in the FOTR movie and is prominent in the Silmarillion)...and was later given to Galdalf. Yeah, I am SUCH A GEEK!
Still have some thoughts of "He Who Shall Not Be Named". There is something about this time of year, the cold and dying world that makes me think of him. This was our time, the fall and winter our seasons. So its normal, I guess, to reflect. I wonder how he is and what he is doing, if things are going well for him. I have not contacted him, a difficult task since I probably always will want to speak to him...but he doesnt bother to TXT or call..so, I guess that option is out. Where ever he is, I hope he is well and happy.
Well, with luck I will update soon. Take care till then. Check latest pics of RRJ below :)
10/2/04: Happy Birthday JDH, my male best friend of 22years. May this birthday, the BIG 30, bring you all the happiness your hands and heart can hold. I love you darlin. The Scent of fall is in the air. I tasted it the other morning on my way to work. It was brisk and gentle like a lovers caress on bare flesh and my senses were overcome with momentary enchantment. I watched the sway of the dying leaves, flaring in brilliant colors of Crimson and Gold, Rusty Orange and melting green against a grey, cloud filled sky. And I was struck silent when I felt the wheel of the year turning before me. Another season of my own life come and gone.
Wiccans are spiritually reverent of mother earth, holding earth and sky as holy as catholics cradle the cross. I reclaimed my faith four months ago and I wear five points to the high with pride once more. And that is when I realized, though I am maiden still, my Spring is fading to Summer. My spirit, body, mind, emotions are fading to warm summer, to full fertility and arrogance that comes with the Prime of Your Cycle. And I reflected.
I drove to work in silence, no blasting CD of AFI or the CURE, no Type O or Danzig to pump my blood. Just silence and the cool sway of falling leaves to guide my path.
And in my reflections, I came to realize so much more about myself. How I have blamed others for responsibilities I did not take. How I have been untrusting and hateful when the only thing that truly matters in life is forgiveness and honesty. I longed for my friends, who have seen me through the horrors of my days. I was wanton for a soft touch, a gentle caress in the darkness and the safety that comes with an arm draped about your body as you rest in perfect tranquility. All of the material seemed useless and vain..and the very forces of my life were vague and shadowy. And I realize I long for closure and clarity. For Peace and love and for the struggle that life throws into the ring to temper the steel of your soul.
I have lashed out so much in my days that I have never stopped to realize I am wounded. I have kept my armor so tight about my body and my heart that I never noticed the slices that tore through my insides. And when I stripped that arrogant armor, my insides fell onto the floor...and forecast the future...
...My chains of fate will never improve, until I do.
And the shadows of my heart were lifted then and I looked to the clouded sky to see a hawk flying high and I freed myself of the agony. I severed the chains of my pain. My armor faded and my innerds righted themselves. And I felt the god and goddess bless the turning wheel, and the seasonal change of my own life.
I have taken time to reconnect with old friends, no matter how busy my days have been. I have welcomed new friends and possible lovers into my arms and when the time is right, perhaps my heart as well. I freed myself of the bondage for "He Who Shall Not Be Named." I took responsibility for what part I allowed myself to play with him. For how I allowed myself to be used and blindfolded, for a second time. And I came to the realization that I imposed my own dreams and desires upon him, never really caring that they did not match his own. I remember the moment during our break up the first time when I cried on JS shoulder and said, "I would give anything for just one more day, one more night with him." And I realized then, my desire had been answered and I had been gifted with what I most asked for. We had our second chance and we failed. Both of us heavy in the responsibility of what could have been, but was not time for.
And then I did something amazing...
...I forgave him. I set him free.
I will write here what I can not say to him:
My Most Beautiful and Dearest one, I wronged you. I did not understand it at the time. It is too late to make penance now and ask your forgiveness. No, I did not treat you poorly. I did not lie to you, I did not use you. I did not betray you. I did not injure you. I did not speak falsely but I did press upon you, my values and desires, never fully trusting you..always afraid you would leave as you did in the past. You gave what you could, but you knew it was not enough to meet what I placed upon you. You did try. You did feel. You did love and in your presence I felt revered and holy. I felt passion and desire. I felt alive.
Even now, I can look back on all that has happened and know that you were, infact, the other half of me. Stubborn to a fault, giving to an impossible degree, seeking love that would change your life but not your person. I know you were afraid. I know the changes that would have come on the horizon were numerous to behold and you wanted nothing more than to give me all the things once denied to me. You tried too hard and in the process, lost yourself. And for all I gave, I denied you freedom and youth for selfish designs.
I am sorry for what wrongs I have done as the armor glistened in the brilliant sunlight. I have taken that armor off, piece by piece and forced to deal with what I have lost. You were and always will be my soulmate, no matter how we might deny it, how we might seek comfort in the arms of others. When I was with you, there was only you. There was the love I desired for the rest of my days and nights. I wanted to suffer the trauma, celebrate the joys of life with you at my side. Now, we are denied that and my heart weeps for the horrors of our war.
Our saga has ended, though you are on my mind and in my heart, with each beat and breath of my body. I see you in my dreams and I will always love you with no bounds.
And I thank you for what you have shown me in your silence and absense from my life. And I mourn that you are no longer there. I grieve that we will have no more opportunities to chat over a hot cup of coffee. I weep at the realization I will never again feel your body pressed close to mine, so like velvet, as the night yawned about us and your gentle breath lulled me into the arms of sleep. But most of all, I am deeply sorry I will never know you again. That I will never have the chance to hear the excitment in your voice when something new and challenging approaches you, or hear the tremor in your tone when you are hurt. I will never have the opportunities to share my wisdom, my fears, my hopes with you...or to hear yours as life unfolds its black wings about you. I mourn for the friendship of 8yrs that faded from our grasp, never to return.
In this life, may you be blessed. May bright stars guide you to your destinations safely and with love and comfort. May the days never be too short or the nights too long. May your beautiful blue eyes never fill with lamentation. May you be happy and find love that will help to give you all that you have ever desired.
I love you.
Melissa. And that is what I would say to him, if I only had the opportunity. My heart beats these psalms even as I see his face before me. The wrongs are forgiven and only the warm memories remain.
To all who have been here, who I have loved and lost and have yet to discover in this beautiful world, thank you for walking this path with me. Thank you for your wisdom and guidance, your trust and love, your critisms and patience.
The Wheel of the Year turns and each day is another in the cycle of our own lives, small tides in the ocean of our years. It is never too late to feel. It is never too late to make peace with yourself. There is no better time than now to grant forgiveness. The day, like the leaves, is dying.
9/24/04 Picked up my brand new, 2004 Chevy cavalier 2 door today!! She is so beautiful!! Gotta go, places to be and people to do!
9/16/04 I am having one of the most awesome days EVER. Let me preface that by saying that it started out as a typical crap infested day. I had to take my car in for yet another recall. Always nice to deal with. And on my way home from the Dealership, I was in a minor accident. DOT is doing repair work on Jefferson St. in Monticello, ripping up one half of the road. So, two lands of traffic were converged in one and no one there to regulate it! So, a Blue Ford truck was not paying attention...and was coming head on for me...I managed to swerve just slightly to the Right and all that happened was a busted out driver side mirror...35.00 to replace. Had I not swerved it would have been a head on collision. Imagine that one.
But now to my amazing news! First, I have been taking MERIDIA and have been shedding weight at a rapid and incredible rate! GO ME! WOOHOO. Second, I am getting a NEW CAR! 2004 Chevy Cavalier, fully loaded! Oh yes!!!! And I am getting it for a STEAL. The Gods must have blessed me. So, I am totally hyped about that. I finalize everything this weekend, I am sooo stoked. Thirdly, I spoke with my landlords today and since my apartment is so small, I have been considering moving...however, they want to turn my apartment, which is small small small...into one large, two floor dwelling...which means, it will be a two story small house when all is done...and there is potential there for me to pay off the renovations...and potentially buy it outright! HOLY COW! My OWN HOME. WOW. Lastly...the man situation is blowing up and off the hook...they are coming out of the woodwork and I am in my glory!!!!!!!
Of course, after the situations listed here in previous rants, its obvious I am not over it...I am just trying to move on...I love him...and I dont think I will love anyone like that again for sometime. I just wish we could have had a chance to remain in each others lives...and I suppose there is some thought in the back of my mind that he will show up on a white horse, proclaim his wrongs...declare his love and never leave my side again. Insert wedding and white picket fence here. LE SIGH
9/3/04 Alright, I know I am guilty of failing to update. Things have been wild! Lets see, pretty much kicked "B" to the curb and PT as well. Not really feeling them. Currently there is Steve, and we seem to be hitting it off...with one exception. I dont really know that I am interested in getting in a serious relationship right now.
This wierd sensation has overcome me lately. Ive pretty much been person centered for a change...working on myself, taking pride in my own accomplishments that have nothing to do with a man. Dont get me wrong, I still get whats mine...if you know what I mean :wink wink:..but I just want to be by myself right now. Ive been hanging out with friends, spending time doing things we all want to do...and it really doesnt bother me that I dont have a steady beau on my arm. I still have too many issues with previous feelings and relationships to really deal with a new man right now. Maybe in a couple of months when I am over those very issues...We will have to see.
7/23/04 I will get over it. That is what I keep telling myself. I will get over him...why cant I seem to let it all go? Today is one of those days where I sit in introspection, shut off from the outside world, listening to the Cure, "Pictures of you."
Remembering you, falling into my arms, crying for the death of your heart. You were stone white, so delicate, lost in the cold, you were always so lost in the dark. Remembering you, how you used to be..slow drowned, you were angels..so much more than everything. Hold for the last time, then slip away, quietly..open my eyes but I never see anything. If only I'd thought of the right words, I could have held onto your heart. If only I thought of the right words, I wouldnt be breaking apart all my pictures of you. Looking so long at these pictures of you, but I never hold onto your heart. Looking so long for the words to be true, but always just breaking apart, my pictures of you. There was nothing in the world that I ever watned more than to feel you deep in my heart. There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart...all my pictures of you."
Why do tears still come to my eyes when I think of him? Why, when there are so many who want my attention, do I find no passion for anyone but him? Here it is, over four months later...and I am still lingering..wishing these thoughts and memories were from another life, another time...another person. I still love him. I never stopped loving him. I feel lost without him, like a piece of my soul is torn from the fabric and I will search for it, forever. When is it supposed to get better? When I am going to move on...when am I going to stop remembering? When am I going to stop hurting? When am I going to stop wondering if he ever thinks about me this way? When am I going to stop loving him?
I will get over it. I keep repeating to myself. I will get over him....If I say it enough, maybe I will believe it.
7/16/04 Behold, RRJ...in his exquisite Gothic Glory. He is too damn hot for his own good. You cant see it beneath the shredded Templar tunic, but this Ex Marine has a body from hell. Trust me, I know. MEOW.
Its been a bit of time since I updated, so I figured, what the hell, let me get to it. Things have been busy but good for the past nearly two weeks. Been dating and enjoying it... I look forward to the time I spend with him and our chances to chat when we dont get the opportunity to visit face to face. (He lives 40 minutes away, so it gets difficult to coordinate schedules.)
"B" and I went to see Spiderman 2...great flick...then we went to dinner and to the Monticello Raceway. Had a blast and shared some intimacy...which makes it even better. This one is level headed, a few months older than I...and seems to have all his "geese in a line"...could prove to be interesting and full of potential. But I do have my fears...I am alittle standoffish when it comes to getting involved again...after "He Who Shall Not Be Named." I dont want to suffer the loss and the grief that came with that.
At the same time, I still think of "He Who Shall Not Be Named", often...though less and less as time goes by. I realize more than ever that I truly did love him, in a way I do not believe I have ever experienced before. Little things remind me of him, still and they are not bad memories...but rather ones I will keep locked in my heart for all time. Its my story, my life...and these are my memories for good, bad or indifferent. For example, I was sitting and listening to some music, working on my newest Orli fic (Chapter 1 of 'Somethings never change')when something jogged the thought of "He" and I at Club Shampoo in Philadelphia PA over a year ago...I was mad as hell with him...and yet by the end of the night, we were kissing and teasing one another in the basement area of the club, much to the delight of many other people there to witness.
To quote Beyonce (even though I am a metal head) "Picture us dancing real close in the dark dark corner of a basement party. Everytime I close my eyes its like everyone left but you and me. The Music is the sun, the dance floor becomes the sea...Feels like, True Paradise to me. Baby boy you stay on my mind, fulfill my fantasy...I think about you all the time, I see you in my dreams...Baby boy not a day goes by without my fantasy, I think about you all the time I see you in my dreams."
I remember how hot the moment was...how sexy...and how beautiful he could make me feel with just the way he kissed me. Ahh, but I digress.
I am still seeing P.T. and having fun with him...but that is becoming less frequent with "B" around. RRJ will still be visiting in August from Chicago. I look really forward to seeing him...he is just BEYOND GORGEOUS....but what happens between he and I depends on what transpires between "B" and I. See pics above for RRJ. MEOW.
So, besides working out and eating right, I have been hanging out with PG from work and his friends, hitting Bum and Kells Lakeside Grill in LochSheldrake. Came in late last night from hanging out with the gang and it was a blast. I earned my sleep last night LOL.
Well, thats it for now. Go, Admire the pics above. MEOW!
7/05/04 The events of this weekend have been fantastic and more fun than I have had in quite sometime! But then again, July 4 weekend has always been an interesting bit of entertainment, every year for the past 13years!
Friday was a bit slow, I decided to take a day to rest and relax...to catch up on some PS2 gaming and watch a few movies. Definately worth the rest, cause the rest of the weekend was just over the top. Saturday, I went out on a date with my latest catch, "B"...we did the mall thing, had lunch, spent some time chatting. A very interesting date and he is quite delicious...so we will see where it goes from there. Following the date, I headed down to Rockland County to see MS and spend the night. Our friend Vicky brought her three kids, who I adore! We spent the rest of the day setting up for the big July 4 bash...which was not the usual 100 person shindig, but rather a few intimate friends since MS brother had to work...the huge party will actually be held in August this year. So, MS and her boyfriend JW...Vicky and the three kids, JA and her Hubby came to hang...and we got smashed, went swimming and just sat by the pool listening to 92.3 and the Metal Meltdown Weekend. It was actually a flashback event, one that I will not forget soon. All of us, sipping our drinks (once the kids were in bed)...listening to music we loved as teenagers...and just let ourselves slip away to an easier time when the world was still fresh and new. Sunday, I awoke with a pretty nice Hangover...but the party went on. I had the chance to spend some quality time with the kids who call me "Aunt Melissa"...and found I really enjoyed myself with them. Once the party was in full swing, we had a few light drinks...did some swimming...and then I had to leave to get to the next party.
I came back up to good ol' Sullivan County around 3:30, enough time to slap some makeup on, change clothes and head out to JS house. From there, we chatted for a bit...and decided her hubby, TS would be the designated driver. From there, we headed down to Wurtsboro to a party thrown by our friend/coworker PG. We got to the house about 6p and by then, PG was tore up! He worked a 16hr shift (at his request, cause I am not that mean) and our friend/coworker TO was there...shitfaced. So, the three of us had some drinks with our other friends...hit a few beer funnels and just let the night flow. What a helluva party! By the time they set off 2K in fireworks, we were feeling fine! (except for TS who was designated). The dispay was wonderful and I had the chance to spend that quality time with JS +TS (who now introduces everyone to me as his sister LOL). While the fireworks were going on, I was thinking what a beautiful and yet...disturbing image. The "Rockets Red Glare" made me think back to what we are celebrating...the war for our independence...and how when our forefathers glanced upon a display of that kind...it was deadly in nature. But my patriotism was running high...and I am proud to be an american. I also thought a moment of what "He Who Shall Not Be Named" was doing on such a fine evening...hoping he was having a good time with his friends and loved ones...but he still remains in my thoughts...even though they are diminishing, one day at a time. So, after the display, a fight or four broke out...entertaining to say the least. JS kept yelling "5-0", hoping to get them to disperse. I handed her a pack of my cigarettes and hitched my pants, ready to throw down as the fight moved closer and closer to us. I am not aggressive in those type situations..but I was not about to let one of my best friends and my newly adopted brother (aka TS) get into a situation. After the anxiety and "beer balls" settled down...we headed out and back home to have a few more drinks, play some "Return of the King for PS2" and hit the sack.
I came home a short time ago, wanted to get my house ready since "B" is supposed to be heading over today. Still need to take a shower..but I wanted to update while everything is still in my fuzzy memory~ Hope your Independence Day celebration was as fun as mine!
6/27/04 Quick note, did not get the car afterall. Found out the dealership was trying to screw me over. They see a pair of ovaries and think I no nothing of cars or financing, please. Gotta run!
6/24/04 Happy Birthday to "He Who Shall Not Be Named."
So, I am now the PROUD owner of a new 2004 BRILLIANT RED Cavalier LS Coupe. I signed the papers today and pick up the car on Monday Evening. I am completely excited...but sad to see my current 1998 Cheyenne Pepper Red Cavalier LS Sedan "Caesar", go. I love this car..we have been through so much together that I feel as if the Car is a part of my spirit. Is that wierd? To love a car so much you dont really want to get rid of it, but know you have to, because it will soon fail you and tarnish its repuation? (is this a metaphor for my love life?) Caesar was the most amazing car...she kept me safe through impossible conditions...and now, I have filled her gas tank for the last time. I suppose I am just co dependent. Or some shit like that. So, now the hunt begins for a new name for my car. It will have black interior..so I am thinking "Vlad" or perhaps "Damien", I have not yet decided. Eitherway, I have waited 6 long years for a new car, and this one has much to live up to.
On to Dating. I am now dating TP and "B". Both are wonderful, a scorpio and pisces. I just cant leave the water signs alone! Both are fantastic, but it has yet to get further than the usual dating scene. I do not know if I am ready for someone else to touch me...make love to me...feel them inside of me. To a degree, I have lost some of my sex drive after "He Who Shall not Be Named" But I am sure that is part of the normal grieving period. I still desire intimacy...but I really loved that idiot...and making love to him was the most beautiful experience I have ever had...and I hope it is not the last I will ever feel for someone. Its called letting go, why cant I do it?
That is my update for this week.
6/18/04 It is a hazy, hot and humid Friday afternoon. The smell of fresh cut grass is thick in the air...its the kind of day where your skin sticks to your clothing...and your hair falls limp and heavy with the cloy summer-coming aire. My life has taken drastic turns in the past few days...some for the better, some for the worst.
My Grandmother, Frances, passed away 12/14/03. She was 89. No one informed my mother or myself of her passing. My Aunt Carol had her buried in Mount Hebron, NYC next to my grandfather...and never told a us. So here it is, 6 months later and she has been layed to rest...and NOW the grieving begins. What bullshit is that? My Nanny (grandmother)and I had a difficult relationship over the past 7 years. We havent spoken since I moved up to Sullivan County to be with my then, Fiance. And, oddly enough, when I reconnected with my mother, recently, I wanted directions to Flushing Meadow Nursing Home where my Nanny was living...so I could make my apologies for the folly of youth...and make my peace with all that has come and gone. I never got that chance..it was robbed from me...and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. For whatever it was worth, my nanny took me from my mother and gave me the life I have..she gave me a new start...she kept me from becoming a statistic or a junkie like my mother. We did not always see eye to eye, but as the years have grown so have I...and I understand better now, the lessons she tried to teach me. I was a teenager, rebelling...dealing, working through my demons..and believe me, I had hordes of them to take on. But even as difficult as I was, she showed patience and love. It was hard to tell her love sometimes, wrapped in jewish guilt..manipulative and often times mind numbing. But she was my blood...and even though no one can hurt you the way your blood can...that blood is precious, its a link to the past and the future. Although I do not follow the tenets of my mothers side of the family and judaic faith, I will light a Yuritzite candle each year in honor of her passing...and I will violate the jewish tradition of waiting 1yr to visit the gravesite. I am going to go in the next week with my friends, who loved her in their own ways...so I can say my goodbyes.
So, now the grieving begins. The tears have and will continue to fall. The Hunt is on for my Aunt. I want answers, I want to know what she died of, why I was not told...why our blood makes us fight each other for something intangible..and prevents us from becoming a family.
I just came off of a 12 day, 102 hr work experience. I had to go out last night, I just couldnt come home yet. So I met with JS and her husband, TS, JG, PG, and a few others and went to Bum and Kells in Loch Sheldrake. We were out from 6p-12m and I had a great time...I toasted to the future, to life and to my grandmother. I managed to drive home and got some much needed rest.
I have sworn off relationships for the time being. RW and HM can kiss the proverbial hind quarters...they arent what I need right now. So, I am dating but taking the time to work on me...and face what is left of the Retinue of Demons that threaten to stand again for me to battle. There is still the raging war within me for the feelings I have for "He Who Shall Not be Named" but they are lessening...even if I do miss him.
In many ways I have returned to the old self I let go of, years ago. The bitch is back. I no longer hide what I mean behind subtleties, I have been calling it where it counts...and it feels great. It feels like coming home. I have returned to WICCA after a 7yr absence...and now i find myself more in touch with the world around me. I guess you could call this an attitude overhaul.
I remain,
Melissa
6/12/04 So, another day in the life has passed. I have worked 7 days straight thus far, for OT. That works out to help pay the bills. Otherwise, all is well.
I left a message for "He Who Shall Not Be Named" in regards to my belongings. It is not so much my personal effects but the need for closure in this situation which remains prevelent. I had hoped he would respond either way but thusfar, nothing yet. I just want this to be over and done with, he doesnt need to know just how much I still love him...
Things with RRJ are going well, he will be visiting in August and I am looking forward to that. He still considers us "Engaged" who would have figured.
I spent a good deal of time on the phone with JS and MS...and i feel somewhat purged of the negative thoughts flowing through my mind. I have had several issues to deal with, since the departure of "He who shall not be named" from my life...but I am getting on with life, as much as can be exepected.
I have started writing a new fic, just the first few pages...and I guess time will tell if its something I feel worthy of posting. So, drunklenly, I bid you a good eve. 6/8/04 I am tired, on many different levels. I have been stressed out with work and finding time to myself. I have been considering buying a new car, I go for a test drive in July...with luck I will be free then. I have been so busy I havent even had the chance to go to my follow up dental appointment or visit my optomotrist to get new glasses. Not to mention I am going to be working a 12 day straight stretch.
I still have not recieved my things as per my request from "He Who Shall Not Be Named." I spent the weekend with RW and had a very good time...not to mention a very lengthy but much needed chat with RRJ...someone I loved very deeply sometime ago. But of course, I still dream of...think of and long for the one who has gone. I wonder, is he ever thinking of me?
5/29/04 The agony of the human condition. To taste love and hate, to know pleasure and pain...to understand the great wheel and feel the elements, base upon the soul. I have felt loss and known joy, I have seen darkness and equally triumphant light. I am a quandry of tattered emotions, I am the phoenix that rises from the ashes.
RW, the most recent beau I have been seeing has disappointed me. Not that anything is serious, as I stated before I am dating several others as well, HM is just a new edition to the list. But I begin to speculate about the meaningfulness of life, itself. Continue the path with me as I explain...
Each of us wander the darkness seeking that which will enlighten us...someone who will understand us..and support us through the trials of life itself. We move in accord, like a symphony...each counterpart played by friends, family and loved ones. I still battle with the sensations rushing through me and I try to remind myself it is but the natural order of things...the agony of the human condition. I finally got the balls up to send "He WHo Shall Not be Named" a snail mail asking for my things back. I left a few items at his home the last time I was there. This has been a difficult task...because I know that the moment I recieve the items I left, this will be over...there will be nothing left to hold onto...no reason left to contact him. It hurts on a deep level...but I need to come to grips with the fact it is over...even if I do not wish it to be. I still feel as if there are chapters left to be written in this saga, even if I am the only one writing it. I loved him...I still love him. I feel him, scent him...taste him...and remember him...the touch of his fingertips on my flesh, the taste of his kiss against my lips. These sensations drive me to distraction when I recall them..I even attempt to censor them against the negative memories I have. But I can not seem to let go of him...Once again I say, he was the ONE. He was the beauty and light in life...a light I seek to replace, though I doubt I ever will.
Each of the gents I am dating fill me over and over again with compliments. I have heard how beautiful I am till it is all I can bare...and there is no disagreement, for hte men only become that much more adamant about letting me know how I appear in their eyes. "He Who Shall Not Be Named" told me a time or two how beautiful I was...but he never dwelled on it. Damn it, why cant I get him out of my head? Does anyone out there understand how I feel? My friends have been UBER supportive, holding my hand and soothing my tears...very rarely have I ever cried over a man. But I love him...and slowly the image of him recesses into my thoughts, listed only as part of my endless pitiful diatribe. The saying from the movie TITANIC was "A womans heart is as deep as the ocean and holds just as many secrets." I didnt want him to become that...I only hope this lesson fades over time and I learn to love and trust again.
Back to HM...Since he lives in both NYC and Vancouver, Canada at the same time, it will prove difficult to continue on. But I will give it a shot, in the meantime dealing with my other men and trying to make the balance. Which will be a true contender to the throne? It is a hard image to live up to. At some point in my life I will marry, perhaps have children...but the face of "He Who Shall Not Be Named" was the person I thought would be my husband and father to my children, talk about unrealistic. Will I ever let it go?
Melissa
5/24/04
I do not know where to begin. It has been sometime since I have written my feelings down for the world to see. Perhaps it is something I am missing in my life, when all else has failed me...my words have been a comfort to me. Let me begin with this weekend.
My dear friend JB got married on Saturday, to which I was a bridesmaid. It was truly amazing...one of the most blessed events I think I have ever witnessed in my life. There is nothing like the coming together of spirits in celebration to make you grasp a hold of your own existance and ponder. I was fortunate to be privy to this relationship from the beginning and never before have I seen a couple so in love and so perfect for each other. It made me question my place in the world, my own relationships and all the designs I have for what my life will become...or should have become. Anyway, my escort for this blessed event was RW...my current boyfriend of a month. I care for him and like spending time with him...but my heart is somewhere else...and I could not still my soul as I recalled the person, who shall not be named, who was supposed to be in attendance with me. Now, I know this is not fair to put on RW...and I made sure to never let on...for I have decided the glasnost policy on previous relationships is a BAD idea for the new contender for the throne. But I think of my most recent EX...and I wish things had not gone as they did...although he may never now it...I still love him...have loved him for many years...and probably always will.
On the subject of He Who Shall Not Be Named. We broke up the beginning of April after trying for a second time to make things work. I believe he has found someone new to occupy his heart, as I myself have done. But I find myself wondering: Does he think of me? Does he miss me as I miss him? Does he feel he made the wrong choice? If every chapter in this dime store novel is written..why does it feel like it is not done with...and does he realize that forever without one another is truly that...FOREVER? Now, these questions are ridiculous...it is over. Why should I torture myself? I cant seem to help it...I cant seem to let go, even though he believes I have. We attempted to make a pact, promising we would not lose contact after I gave him the choice to be with me or break it off. Of course, he chose to break it off, claiming I was too inflexible with my life and willingness to move at the drop of a hat, all around the globe if it were his desire to do so....he claimed that I scared him because I had a design for my life that he believed he could not live up to...and many other little tidbits of wisdom at the passing of our relationship. However, back to the pact, he has not lived up to the contact, even after I tried nearly a dozen times to maintain that. So, I sent him a text on 5.19 to inform him that I would leave him be and allow myself to move on with my life. It has been harder than I anticipated. I believe he was truly the ONE and it is lost for all time.
During the wedding, the reception, the time I spent with my current beau in the Jacuzzi suite...I was thinking of "He Who Shall Not Be Named". Even on the way home, listening to the radio during a 2hr drive...every song reminded me of him...brought tears to my eyes and made me feel like I was going insane. I have never done that with anyone before...only him...and I went through a form of death the time we broke up a year ago and went 6months without speaking to each other...only to hear from him...and begin again. I forgave him then...and as much as my strong will hates to admit it..if he were to ride forth on his white horse and proclaim his love for me again...I would probably forgive him again...but not without strong reprocussion and much intense discussion. Does everyone feel this way or am I the only idiot out there? How does one forget the promises forged in the darkness, tempered by love and passion...and find something left in this world worth loving for again?
During the reception I connected with many old friends I have not seen in a long time...including my ex fiance. CW has finally asked his girlfriend to marry him and I am absolutely thrilled for him! She will make a fantastic wife, devoted and loving and together I believe they will be a helluva team. My dear friend from High School, a cousin to JB, is also engaged and planning her wedding for October. My other friend JT is getting married in two weeks! Such wonderful times are on the horizon...and yet I still wonder about He Who Shall Not Be Named...and what would have been. My last true words to him were: "The grandeur of life you seek is not without you, but within you and in the eyes and hearts of all those who you love...who love you back." I wonder if he will remember that...or thinks of it when the darkness yawns over him and there is nothing but the stars to guide his thoughts?
So, now that I have that out... Work is going well, if not a bit stressful. Finances are intact, for the most part and I am trying to get my bills paid off before the end of the year. Looking into a new car and possibly a relocation which will not take place in fall, as I anticipated...but probably spring. Also looking into going back to school for the next fall semester. I have my associates now and its time to work on my bachelors. Although I am seeing RW more seriously, I also have two other prospectives on the horizon...and a third...RRJ, who I loved deeply once...and broke up with a short time before He Who Shall Not Be Named, and I started up again. But right now I am more playing the field than ready to settle down. A part of my heart reminds me that I am near thirty and its time to put away the wiles of youth..while another part still desires to soe the proverbial oats. Each prospective beau has a strong littany to live up to. I am career oriented, intelligent, well versed in music and literature...and a goth. I am intouch with my mind and spirit as well as my inner bitchiness. I am a caregiver, gentile and humourous...but responsible. I know what I want out of life...and I have no qualms for compromise... thats a pretty tall order for any man to fill.
Well, I will update in about a week and continue my saga. Till then, thank you for walking with me.
I remain,
Melissa