For the past few weeks I've been trying to answer your letter. But I guess I can't say most of the things I want to. Few people from my old church community have shown any interest in my life. I've felt anger and grief about that in addition to what I've felt about the failure of my marriage. In the process of trying to write to you I've reviewed many of my thoughts and feelings and I think it has brought some healing.
As a child I learned that some of my innermost feelings (my attractions to men) were bad. They were bad because they were different from how people expected me to feel. Without really understanding what was going on inside, I realized a large part of myself was unacceptable to my family, friends and society. I was only a child. I needed to be liked, I needed to be known, I needed to be cared for. But that meant I could not allow my feelings to manifest themselves. I believed (and wisely so) that if I did, practically everyone I knew would reject me.
I wanted my feelings to go away, but the more I tried to deny them, the more intense and complicated they became. I hated them, I hated myself, I wanted to die. But more than anything else (and yes, in contradiction to the rest) I wanted to be known and accepted for who I was. Back then no one told me I was created by God in God's image or that he valued and accepted me as a unique expression of his creative power.
My aim in life was to fit in, to do the things that people expected of me, to think the things that people expected me to think. My sexuality, and a lot of other things with it, got repressed. I forged a lifestyle that would protect me from myself and the prejudice of society. Getting involved in fundamentalist Christianity, which promotes uniformity of thinking, was the most powerful deterrent to self-acceptance.
As you may know I spent several years attending support group meetings in an ex-gay ministry in Toronto. Although I encountered more compassion there than in the church, I now believe that their basic assumption ~~that homosexuality is destructive or sinful and can be changed~~is wrong. It is based on outdated psychology and~~worse than that~~prejudice against gay people. I have never met anyone who has actually "overcome" homosexual feelings. However through New Direction I met many wonderful Christians who were depressed and repressed. I now believe the false hope that they could change was harmful to both them and their families. It prevented them from healthy spiritual growth as gay people and as Christians.
I can hear you saying, "But what about the Bible?" I've explored some pro-gay interpretations of Scripture and I don't find them credible. I've also reviewed the fundamentalist view of Scripture and found it faulty. All the books of the Bible were written in cultures that were ignorant and prejudiced about homosexuality. They also relied on slavery, subjugated women, glorified polygamy, abused animals and practiced genocide. These practices have little to do with the character of God as I know him personally. The Bible must be understood in that context.
Not until about 18 months ago did I begin to realize what a self-destructive path I had chosen by trying to be a straight person and embracing fundamentalist thinking. My own severe depression brought suffering to me, K. and our daughters.
If I could go back and start over I don't think that I would because I can't imagine this universe without Marian and Brenna. I believe no situation or person is entirely evil or good, and my life would be incomplete without the road I followed.
I also believe that if I hadn't taken that path, I would never have tasted so much of the joy, compassion, strength and grace of God. My experience of God is the single thing that has enabled me to survive my depression and the breakup of our marriage. For over two years I have kept one Bible passage on my heart more than any other: "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:10-11) It bolstered my hope at a time when I felt intense grief. It enabled me to draw close to him in his suffering.
And now I think I have tasted the power of his resurrection. I am nothing new, but I am something that no one has seen before, I am who God created me to be in the first place. This is such a small part of my story and I don't really expect it to change the judgment you have made about me. Even if you had walked alongside me in the past few years you could never have stood in my shoes. I am angry that you apparently accepted K.'s side of the story without ever speaking to me, even when you must have known how her grief and anger would affect her perceptions and actions. I do not blame her for feeling that way, I just believe that we are equally responsible for the hostile way in which our marriage broke up. Our church community did nothing to help us salvage what was left of our affection and trust for one another. For myself, I realized my old church had hindered my emotional recovery and spiritual growth for a long time. That is why I left so abruptly.
Perhaps God in his justice will someday make us remember our lives through the eyes of those whom we have judged. I honestly don't see how else he could purify our souls of all prejudice. If that happens, then you and all of my old church community will know me as I am. I will feel neither shame nor joy in that day, only relief that I can be reconciled with people whom I care about.
I do believe I have already seen through your eyes, for I once shared the opinion that you have of me. So perhaps in God's grace I will not have to go there again. But I assure you I understand and am not bitter. I am only angry, and will probably remain angry as long as Christian teachers defame Christ by promoting bigotry and ignorance in his name.
I love you and C. as I always have. I would be happy to keep in touch if you could accept me as I am. Mere tolerance doesn't cut it anymore, at least not from my friends. Any relationship is dysfunctional and false if it depends on someone being different from who he or she is.
All written material and images are ©1997-2001 Van Waffle. This page updated Apr. 12, 2002.
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