Ok, I’m committing suicide.
Not to make fun of suicide, but this is kinda emotional, social suicide. I.E., I’m going to reveal some things about myself and burn some bridges with this blog.
Why?
Because I’m tired of games, being used, and keeping secrets. Well, I’ll still have some secrets, but I need to be honest with the world on a few things. I’m doing this to skip a very difficult, emotional, nerve wracking step in my life.. and I think most of you will understand by the time I’m done what I mean by that.
In the last couple of days, Ive come to the conclusion that honesty, even if it destroys some friendships and relationships, is too important to not have in any sense… so, here I go.
I’m single. Reason is a few things; one, I’m a bit selfish. I don’t make enuff money weekly to share a relationship 50/50. If a woman likes me who makes good money, I’ll be a sponge, and not intentionally. If she makes less then I do, she’s gonna want me to pay for things and Im going to get angry at having to do so. This is not an absolute, but I simply can’t afford a lot right now, and I don’t want to be giving it up to someone else unless, and I stress unless.. I really do fall in love with the woman of my dreams and she believes and trusts in me to the ends of the Earth.
And that’s unrealistic, for many reasons.
Aside from not having a lot of money, I don’t have a lot of skills to get a good job with, so Im kind of stuck with menial jobs. Oh, don’t get me wrong, Michigan Works will see me soon, and Im going to test and learn some new skills. I will make better money, I will have a better life. I just don’t see it with anyone in my life.
And the main reason? Time for the shock – I have Genital herpes simplex 1. I’ve had it for a while… and I did have three girlfriends in my life who knew, understood and it didn’t matter to them. The thing is that when I meet someone new, it’s always a problem about WHEN to tell them, and so far it really hasn’t faired well for me. So, I decided to just tell the world here and now, so I can skip the step of having to tell a potential girlfriend my problem.. and if someone keeps flirting with me, wants to meet me and gets all cuddly in talk, I’ll know she means it… and is not playing a game with me.. or, if she’s playing a game, then well; I guess I’ll get fucked over again, won’t I?
But at least then I’ll know she’s the asshole, not me.
Now, time to burn some bridges. With my admission, comes the fact I won’t play any games anymore… I’ve been honest, I’ll deal with the consequences of my honesty… I will now know who my true friends are… because a real friend won’t care cause hey, we’re not having sex. A pretend friend may go out and tell other people or at the very least go EWWWW and tell me off.. and people who have shallow judgements just wont be my friend at all.
Sure, it may be a long time before I have that one special someone who I can make love too without fears,… hell, finding a woman who has the same problem as I do would really be a blessing, not that she has it.. but that we don’t have to lie or pretend more or less then what we want. I actually am on a dating service for people with the same disease, but I never went far with it cause those damn places want money. Frankly, I want a relationship with a woman that is built from the ground up, that is a real foundation and not a pretensed one.
I want real friends I can trust, put my faith into and give them my all; and that’s the reason for my revelations tonight…
It doesn’t help that today I had a date with a woman who
knew my issue, knew I was broke and begged me to drive all the way to
The next part is blunt, so you’re warned.
.
.
.
.
.
We got naked, got in the tub, talked and then kissed.. I went down on her… and then; Her: “I think we should wait to do more, so we don’t do it all at one time.”
OOOOO-K
Perhaps she was uncomfortable with my disease? That’s fine, don’t blame her, I respect that.
Problem – tell me before I do things to her, so we can wait entirely for when she IS comfortable. I felt used.
Then, to top it off: At lunch, the one she offered to pay? Made me pay for ½ the bill.. $16.41.. my lunch was $6.99+tax…. Now, as you saw earlier, I don’t make a lot, so I can’t afford to trapse off across city and state on false pretenses!!!
If we didn’t have sex at all, in any form, and just talked.. and the lunch was taken care of as she offered, I’d have been fine, absolutely fine. Had she told me she couldn’t afford much then I would have saved up until we both could go out and I could pay for a date.
I will gladly pay for a date with an HONEST woman, when I have the money. I will have money; but I can’t save if I’m spending it when I don’t expect to be paying.
So I’m angry and YES, a bit sexually frustrated, but I could have avoided that issue by just relaxing and talking. I’m not sexually desperate, or I would be lying about my disease and sleeping around.
I am NOT that kind of person.
And apparently I’m paying for it.
Literally.
I once had a list for the girl of my dreams and said I would not date unless the woman covered at least 90% of that list… for my protection im going to firmly go back to that list and will not date anyone unless they fit that list AND understands my health issue.
And yeah, while Im not shallow about weight and size, they have to at least be ‘cute’ to me.. or I will just be friends and I will not use them for sex.
Now, if someone wants to be a FWB with me, then come on J
But tonight I’ve told the world, so to speak.. my friends on this blog.. and a link that I will give to anyone who wants to know.
This is sensitive information, but I can’t afford the pain of going thru the long path of getting TO the point of telling them.
Also, one final thing; to Laura – you said you’ve been hurt, and that you don’t play games? You’re the biggest lying game player I’ve known in years.
I don’t want to hear any excuses, just go away forever.
I have my own life to live, with the people who are my true friends… and I’m going to live it with an open heart and loyalty to the people I love.
END.OF.STORY.