If he closed his eyes, Sly could bet that he would still be able to know where he was going. This was all too familiar ground. He knew which way the lawn sloped; the way the landscaping cast its shadows. While a part of him always hated that he had to visit his loved ones in the cemetery, he was partly glad that he at least had somewhere to go. He wondered what he would have done if they were cremated. Sooner than he realized, he found his destination.
Sly got on his knees as he brushed the fallen leaves and other debris off the flat tombstone. He ran his hand along the letters as he read it aloud. "Nancy B. Eckert. January 19, 1959-October 14, 1991."
He placed the orchid on the tombstone and smiled slightly. "You were always so picky, Mom. I remember when Dad brought you a bouquet, and you said, 'Just roses?' It was cold," Sly said with a mixture of admiration and regret. "So I made sure to get you the most expensive kind."
Sly began to pull at the weeds that were growing around the stone. "I'm sorry it's been such a long time. I missed the anniversary." He pulled a stubborn weed until he finally got to its roots. "It's just, well, a lot has been going on. A lot," he whispered. He sat in silence for a few moments as he cleaned around the stone.
Sly took a deep breath. "You're going to be so mad at me, Mom. I'm going to have a baby," he said with a slight tremble in his voice. "I can just picture you. You'd be ranting and raving, tossing that long hair of yours. I know what you would say: 'What? You're making me a grandmother at 41? I'm too young!'" Sly looked down. "I'd have to agree with you."
He bit his lip thoughtfully. "Sometimes I wonder, Mom. What would it have been like if things had been different? What if you never found out about the land that Dad inherited? Would you have ever come for me? Would you still be alive?" Sly shook his head. "I just don't know." He wrapped his arms around his chest. "I shouldn't have to wonder. I shouldn't have to doubt your love for me."
Sly stared up into the empty branches of a tree nearby. "I was never ready to write you off, Mom. I don't care what anybody else thinks about you. I think in a way, now I know you better than ever." Sly shuddered involuntarily with thoughts of his grandfather. "But why did you do it? Why did you let your father get to you? You let him poison your love for me, for anybody. Why did you let him win?"
Sly cursed the tears that fell down his cheeks. "You started repeating his mistakes, Mom. You just abandoned me. Sure, you were there sometimes, but it didn't mean anything."
Sly placed his hands on the cold, hard ground in an attempt to steady himself. "The only…the only explanation that I can come up with is that you were afraid. You were never taught how to love someone. So you withheld any feeling at all from me. Maybe you thought you were protecting me. But I don't think you realized the damage that was done."
Sly stood up angrily. "I can't do this. I can't pretend that I'm not mad at you, or that I don't care about you." He kicked the ground. "This mix of anger and love really scares me. It's a combustible combination." He stared at the headstone. "I'll see you, Mom." Sly walked away, disappointed that this visit didn't go better. There were too many unanswered questions.
*-*-*-*-*-*
Audrey smiled when she saw Elizabeth step off of the elevator. "Elizabeth! What are you doing here?"
Elizabeth smiled. "I just wanted to see you. Do you have a minute?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. This is perfect timing." Audrey and Elizabeth walked over and sat in one of the waiting areas.
"Are you here to see Lucky?" Audrey asked, getting right to the point.
Elizabeth sighed deeply. "I wish I could. Kevin has told me to stay away for now. I might upset Lucky too much."
"I know how hard that must be, Elizabeth. The two of you used to be inseparable."
"Seems like a lifetime ago. I just wish I could help him, Gram. It causes me physical pain to be away from him like this." Elizabeth blinked back a few tears.
"I know, dear. But you'll just have to have a little faith. I think deep down, Lucky still loves you, and he knows that he could never hurt you."
"I think that, too," Elizabeth said, grateful that someone else felt the same way.
"Then trust that instinct," Audrey smiled, and Elizabeth could see the wisdom of her years behind her eyes.
Another nurse approached Audrey. "Nurse Hardy, I have a few questions about this chart."
Audrey turned to the nurse. "Just a moment." The nurse walked back to the nurses' station to wait for her.
"I have to go, Elizabeth. Let's make plans to have dinner together."
"Sure, Gram." Elizabeth gave her a quick hug. "I'll talk to you soon." She watched her walk away. She sighed as she thought of Lucky. She was so close to him, but it was like he was a million miles away. She walked towards the elevators and bumped into someone by accident. "Oh, I'm sorry…" Elizabeth said, before looking up at the person she collided with. "Em!" she said in surprise.
Emily's thoughtful haze was broken when she bumped into Elizabeth. "Oh, hi Liz."
"Are you ok, Emily? Are you sick?" Elizabeth asked, concerned.
Emily looked at her friend, and saw the opportunity to tell her the truth. "I really haven't talked to you for a long time. So much has happened."
"You can say that again."
Emily walked with Elizabeth to a waiting area. "Then let's catch up. I have a lot to tell you."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Sly approached the black marble headstone. He stood apprehensively on the outskirts of the actual grave. Somehow, it never felt right to stand too close. He had learned to keep his distance from his father.
It never used to be that way. Sly remembered when Bill was the model of responsible parenting. Bill was very affectionate towards Sly, hugging him, playing with him. Bill was always calling him one nickname after another: Slyster, little man, Jellybean.
Then something changed. Bill became very cold and remote. He seemed disinterested in Sly. Sly sighed as he recalled those last few years. It was like he and his father began to speak two different languages, and something always got lost in the translation. By the time that he died, Sly felt like he didn't know his father at all.
Finally, Sly spoke up. "I thought about bringing some flowers for you, but I would have been wasting my money. You were never sentimental like that." Sly paced a bit before speaking again. "You're probably wondering why I'm here. I mean, I haven't been by in so long." He shook his head. "I can hear you now: 'Just get to the point, Sylvester.'"
Sly looked away from the grave for a moment. "God, I can't even look at you when I say this." Sly felt his throat get choked up as he said the next words. "I'm going to be a father," he said, his voice a barely audible whisper. "I wonder what your reaction would have been. Would you have screamed at me, kicked me out of the house?" Sly gritted his teeth and closed his eyes tightly. "There's one thing I'm sure of, though. I know how disappointed you would be. I can feel that now. I've let you down again."
Sly tried to hold himself together. He didn't want to cry in front of him, but it was no use. Sly felt the angry tears welling up in his eyes. His breathing accelerated. "I know- I know that I was never the son you wanted. I wasn't strong or brave. I just made you angry. No matter how many times you told me that you loved me, I knew that I was never good enough."
He brought his hands up to his eyes in an attempt to clear his vision. "Well now, I have to be good enough for someone, for my child. And I'm scared to death. I can't screw this up, Dad. I can't."
He took a deep breath. "But I might be doing it anyway. I totally mishandled a situation with Emily today. I should have trusted her. But Dad, her boyfriend had her cornered. Something just took over, an instinct. I know what it's like to be cornered, defenseless. I rushed in and grabbed the guy. In a way, I was doing more than protecting Emily and the baby. I was running in, trying to save a part of myself."
Sly paused. He didn't know why. Somehow, he just expected an answer. He screamed in anger. "I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm not supposed to be telling my secrets to a damn stone!" Sly could barely see anymore as his body was wracked with sobs. "You should be here. I need you, even if you didn't need me."
Sly tried to calm his shaking hands as he took one more look at the stone. "I swear to you, Dad. I swear that I will never abandon my child the way that you abandoned me. I will love him unconditionally."
His voice cracked. "Just like I love you."
Feeling empty and drained, Sly walked out of the cemetery towards the fading sunlight.
*-*-*-*-*-*
"Cowboy," Luke said, nodding his head as he stepped inside the room.
Lucky regarded his father with a mix of suspicion and gratitude. Some small part of his heart was always happy to see him, no matter how much he denied it.
"You're pretty hard to track down. I had to search all over town to find you," Luke said as he observed the surroundings. He always hated hospitals, but especially when one of his children was a patient. It reminded him of his powerlessness over certain areas of life. Luke never liked feeling out of control.
Luke especially hated that Lucky was there because of the doings of Helena and Faison. He was disappointed that Faison had already died in an explosion, because he would have liked to have killed him himself. Helena was another matter entirely, though.
"Were you surprised?" Lucky asked quietly.
Luke wasn't sure how to take that remark. "Well, you always knew how to disappear if you wanted to." He flinched at the double meaning of the comment.
"How much do you know?" Lucky finally asked with a sigh.
Luke looked at Lucky with a grave intensity. "You tried to jump off a bridge, Lucky. What else is there?"
Lucky shut his eyes and leaned back onto his pillows. If he only knew, he thought. He remained silent for a few moments as he tried to get a hold of his emotions. He wanted to see Luke so desperately these past few months, but now that he was in the room, it was too painful. How could he tell him the truth?
"Damn it, don't shut me out, Lucky. I know I haven't been around much lately, but I still want to know what's been going on with you. You're in the psychiatric ward of a hospital!" Luke said angrily.
"Did I disappoint you, Dad? Real Spencers never say die?" Lucky said bitterly.
Luke couldn't help but feel a little hurt by the comment, and a lump formed in his throat, which he quickly tried to dismiss. "That is not what I meant, Lucky. I don't think any less of you."
Lucky looked straight at his father. "But you never would have tried to kill yourself. You never would have been that weak."
Luke looked deeply into his son's eyes. They were always the key to Lucky's soul. The pain and shame he saw there broke his heart. He moved closer to the bed. "Listen to me, Lucky. I am not ashamed of you. You have been through hell. I would have really been scared if you had come back the same person. There are always going to be scars from something like this," Luke said quietly, with a bitter tone. He hoped that he was getting through to him.
"That is an understatement," Lucky said softly, more to himself than to Luke.
Luke continued. "I am just so scared Lucky. Scared and angry about whatever Helena and Faison did to you. It had to be bad enough to make you want to kill yourself. And I can't lose you. Not again."
Lucky thought about how much suffering and grief his loved ones had to go through when they thought he had died. He hated that he caused them so much pain. "Where have you been?" he asked simply.
Luke was almost thrown by the sudden change in subject, but recovered quickly. "I've been off clearing my name."
"So you've done it. You've proven that Helena killed Stefan?"
Luke snorted. "No, unfortunately, he's alive. I chased him out of a bat cave in France."
Lucky sighed tiredly. It was too ironic. No one stayed dead in Port Charles, not even himself. "Does Nikolas know?"
"Yeah." Luke looked down. "He took a pretty nasty spill off a horse today."
"You were with Nikolas?" Lucky questioned suspiciously.
"Stefan insisted on seeing him. We didn't intend on revealing ourselves, but we saw him fall from the horse, and we took him back to his house to call an ambulance."
"So you're officially not here, right?"
"And Stefan's still dead. You and Nikolas are the only ones that know differently. It has to stay that way."
"Fine," Lucky said, not really wanting to get into the details of that particular subject with Luke. It was better to leave his plans alone, even if it meant that he wouldn't know what possessed his father to work together with Stefan Cassadine.
Luke decided to try to find out exactly why Lucky was in the hospital. "Alright, Cowboy, why don't we get right down to the point? You attempted suicide months ago. You were receiving treatment. So why are you here now?"
Lucky trembled involuntarily. He didn't want to get into this with him; not now, maybe not ever. However, he knew if he didn't tell him, Luke would just find out from someone else. Maybe confession really would be good for the soul.
"I guess you could say I had a nervous breakdown," Lucky said, burying his face in his hands.
Luke ached to touch his son, to comfort him, but he held back, especially since he felt like there was more to the story.
Lucky took a deep breath and continued. "I was in Kelly's. It was so strange. I was feeling really good. I was ready to take back my life," Lucky said with a kind of bewilderment in his voice. "I was talking to Elizabeth." Lucky took a shaky breath. "And all of a sudden, everything came back to me. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't." Lucky had a faraway look in his eyes.
"What? What was it, Lucky?" Luke asked, afraid to hear the answer.
Lucky could barely get out the words. "I remembered. I raped Elizabeth."
*-*-*-*-*-*
"You're pregnant?" Elizabeth asked incredulously.
"Yes. It's hard to believe, isn't it?" Emily said simply. After repeating it so many times, she felt that she could no longer afford to be too emotional.
"Yeah. I thought that your crush on Sly was just a fleeting thing." Elizabeth looked at Emily, who shrugged.
"Things change," was all she said.
"You're awfully calm about this," Elizabeth said suspiciously.
"How am I supposed to be reacting, Elizabeth? Am I supposed to be a hysterical mess? I can't cry about this anymore. I'm all out of tears," Emily said firmly.
"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Elizabeth asked, not entirely convinced by Emily's statements.
"Sly and I want to have the baby, but after that, we're really not sure."
Elizabeth shifted on the couch so she could look at Emily more closely. "Do you love him, Emily?"
Emily's face lost its hard expression. "Yeah, I do," she said softly. "It's weird. It kind of snuck up on me. I didn't even realize how much I cared about him at first. But when I did, well, it was so obvious."
Elizabeth decided that this might be a safer topic of conversation, so she continued. "I don't even know Sly. Other than the events the night of the bridge, I haven't had time to figure out what kind of person he is. Tell me about him."
Emily laughed softly. "He's wonderful, Elizabeth. He's kind, and compassionate, and dedicated. He's a guitar nut, a walking jukebox. He drives a huge truck, lives with his aunt and uncle over their garage, and he's fiercely independent."
Elizabeth could hear the fire in Emily's voice as she continued. "He's also overprotective, macho, arrogant, and moody. He ruined my chance to tell Juan the truth without destroying him."
"Juan must have been devastated," Elizabeth said simply. Maybe she never really liked Juan, but no one deserved to be blindsided with this kind of news.
"Of course," Emily said with a hint of guilt in her voice. "Juan was upset and speaking out of anger, but I think Sly misinterpreted the situation. Sly made it worse by running in to 'rescue' me from him. I never meant to hurt Juan, and I wanted to make that clear to him, to explain better. Now I don't think I'll ever have the chance."
Elizabeth nodded, but something still troubled her. "But Emily, when did you sleep with Sly? I never got an indication from you that you were even together."
Emily laughed wistfully. "Do you remember when you slept over and we were reading that awful magazine? And I was telling you what I wanted for my first time? Well, I got my thunderstorm." She sighed. "He came to my window in the middle of the night. He had just been in a car accident, and he told me it was his wake up call. He told me he loved me," Emily said, clearly reveling in the memory. "And I looked at him, soaking wet, battered and bruised, and I just wanted to help him. I wanted to take away his pain. So I kissed him. It was the most amazing kiss; a revelation. I realized that I loved him too, and I couldn't fight it anymore. I wanted to be with him, so I asked him to make love to me."
"Then what happened?" Elizabeth asked apprehensively.
"The next morning Juan called to tell me that his father had died. I went to Puerto Rico with him, and I didn't tell him what happened. I wanted to protect him for a little while. Sly wanted nothing to do with me until I told him the truth. Then I found out I was pregnant, and this whole mess started."
"That sounds like a whirlwind, Emily. Are you sure that Sly's in for the long haul?"
Emily nodded. "He is. He's not abandoning me or the baby. You know, in some ways, Sly reminds me a lot of Lucky," she said wistfully. "I hope that Lucky's getting the help he needs here."
"So do I, Em. It kills me to see him in so much pain," Elizabeth said softly. "Especially when I seem to have something to do with it."
Emily gently embraced her friend. "Oh, Elizabeth, you know that's not true. Lucky's been hurt so badly, but you had nothing to do with it."
Elizabeth hugged her back. "Thanks." She pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "I hate to dump all of these problems on you."
"And vice versa. Then again, what are friends for?" Emily said with a wistful smile.
Monica approached. "Hello, Elizabeth."
"Oh, hello, Dr. Quartermaine," Elizabeth replied.
"Dr. Newmann is ready to see you now," Monica stated to Emily.
Emily nodded. "I'm glad I saw you today, Liz. Will you give me a call soon?"
Elizabeth smiled. "You can count on it."
*-*-*-*-*-*
Luke stood silently in shock as Lucky's words rang in his ears. He reached out to grip a table. "No, no, Lucky. That's not true," Luke said finally.
"I think I know my own memories," Lucky said, ashamed. He searched his father's face for the disappointment and anger that he must have been feeling. His own shame probably wouldn't be able to match what Luke was feeling.
"Despite what you think, I know you, Lucky. There's no way you could ever hurt Elizabeth. You love her."
"You loved Mom," Lucky said pointedly.
Luke looked at his son. What Lucky was confessing was beyond his comprehension. Luke was angry with himself for the way that he had scarred his son, and for how ready Lucky was to take on that guilt. There's no way, Luke thought. No matter what, I know in my heart that Lucky wouldn't do this. It doesn't add up. "What about Elizabeth? What did she say?"
"Kevin told me that she denies it. But I know better. If I blocked it out, then so did she."
Luke got up and paced. He didn't want to believe what he was hearing. "That's something that's pretty hard to forget, Lucky. If, if this happened, don't you think someone would have noticed? Wouldn't someone be suspicious?"
"I don't know," Lucky said quietly.
"Is there any evidence? Any one that might have seen you together, heard something?"
"No!" Lucky said quickly.
"Where did it happen?"
Lucky let his arms fall back onto the pillows. "Kelly's, I think."
"You think? Then you're not sure," Luke said, frantic to prove Lucky wrong.
"What does it matter, Dad? I know what I did!"
Luke looked straight into Lucky's eyes. He was pleading the case for Lucky's innocence, or whatever was left of it. "Then tell me. Tell me why you think you did this."
Lucky searched his mind for an answer. It was all too unclear, too jumbled to make any sense. "I wanted her to save me. I, I needed her…"
Luke's mind was spinning. Could it be that Lucky was mixing up what had happened between him and Laura for something that had happened between himself and Elizabeth? "Lucky, are you positive? Is there any chance that you're confusing this for something else? Maybe you dreamed it, or imagined it."
Lucky sighed angrily. He didn't think that Luke would believe him. "You sound just like Kevin."
Luke had a flash of hope. "What does Kevin think?"
"He thinks that this may never have happened, but it sounds too unbelievable."
"What is his theory?" Luke asked, desperate for a hopeful outcome.
"He thinks I may have been brainwashed. That these are false memories that someone planted in my subconscious." Lucky shook his head.
"Well, hallelujah! Someone who's thinking clearly!" Luke said, sure that Kevin was right.
"And I'm not?" Lucky asked, his voice full of anger and regret.
Luke's mind burned with rage for Helena and Faison. "Maybe you aren't, cowboy. Who knows what those psychopaths did to you."
Lucky looked at Luke with unbelieving eyes. "Are you saying that because you believe it, or to ease your own guilty conscience? Forget it." Lucky's tone was cold. "I've fulfilled both of our worst fears. I turned out just like you."
I deserved that, Luke thought. However, he knew in the deepest part of himself that Lucky did not rape Elizabeth. Instead, he had to focus on the person who made Lucky believe it. Helena. He would find that bitch and make her pay. Then Lucky would know the truth.
Lucky couldn't stop thinking about how he had let Elizabeth down, how he had broken every promise he had made to her. Luke was only reminding him of that. He couldn't take it anymore. Lucky's voice cracked. "Get out. Just get out."
Luke looked directly into Lucky's eyes. "It's not true, Lucky. This is garbage, and I'm going to prove it to you."
Lucky looked away as Luke slipped out the door.