This late October day finds me quite wistful. My studies are interesting, of course, but they are not holding my attention. My mind keeps drifting back to Port Charles.
I spoke to Uncle Mac yesterday, and he still sounded depressed. Of course I do not blame him. I still cannot understand Felicia's betrayal. Didn't she know how much what she did would hurt everyone? I feel for Maxie and Georgie. It's going to be a long, hard road for them.
I can't help but feeling a little betrayed myself. My fantasy of the perfect family is gone. I used to wish that Mac and Felicia would get back together after the first time they broke up. I wanted the four of us- Mac, Felicia, Maxie, and I to have a real family relationship. When Felicia was pregnant, it seemed possible. Of course, Georgie turned out to be Frisco's child. I still think it affected Mac more than he ever let on. Still, he loves those girls like his own. In the end, biology played no part.
Robin pulled her jacket tighter as a slight wind picked up.
It makes me think of the fact that I'll never have biological children of my own. That sounds horribly selfish. There are so many children in this world that are without parents who love them. I know what it's like to be left all alone.
Still, I wonder what it would have been like to have a child of my own. Would he have my smile, my temperament, or Stone's beautiful eyes?
Robin stared down at what she just wrote. She quickly wiped a tear from her eye, and then continued on.
I can't believe I just wrote that. Sometimes it just sneaks up on me. I catch myself thinking about what might have been. Stone and I fantasized about what our children would be like. Sometimes I still get caught up in the dream.
Soon it will be the five-year anniversary of Stone's death. Sometimes it is hard to believe it has been that long. Other times, it seems unbearable. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Didn't we deserve that? Didn't we go through enough? Or were we paying penance for something beyond our control?
Sometimes this world seems much too cruel to be divinely created. What kind of God would allow someone as beautiful as Stone to suffer so needlessly, to be cut down in the dawn of life?
Robin put down her pen for a moment and bit her lip in an attempt to keep from crying. After she composed herself, she wrote again.
That kind of talk does no one any good. Sometimes I think I have progressed in the last five years. Robin, so brave, so noble. I sometimes I let myself believe it. Then something will come up, something to remind myself of my frailty, and I'm just a scared teenager again, lost and ultimately alone.
He wouldn't want me to think like this. Not while there is still so much more to do.
Robin closed her journal and left some money for her bill. She put her books into her bag, and then quickly walked up the street. She stopped in a small florist shop a few blocks away. She looked through the masses of flowers, and finally found two perfect red roses. She took them to the counter.
The clerk took her money. "For someone special?" he asked in French.
"Yes," she replied. "Very special."
Robin took the roses and walked to a quiet park by the river. She sat on a bench for a while until it got dark.
Finally, she looked up at the stars. "I miss you," she said. "I live my life everyday, and mostly I'm doing fine, but there are always reminders. I see you in the stars; I hear your voice on the wind. Sometimes I'm sure we pass on the street."
Robin looked down at the roses in her hands. "Your presence is so real. There are times when I can still feel your strong arms around me. Then I feel at peace."
Robin looked up again at the sky. "I don't know how I got so lucky to have you in my life. I thank heaven everyday for that. I think we lived a lifetime in those few short years. And sometimes that makes it hard to go on without you. But I will not fail you. I live for the both of us now."
She walked over to the river. She laid one of the roses in the water, watching it as it quickly moved away with the current. She stood up again.
"You are my heart, my one and my all. I love you, Stone, and I'll never stop. I can't wait until we meet again."
As Robin began to walk away, a soft, warm rain began to fall. She tilted her head back and let the rain wash away her tears. She knew that somewhere, Stone was waiting for her. His love would not let her down.