Dear Mr. Dan Quayle,

My name is Wai Chow and I am a psychology major at George Washington University.  I would like to take this opportunity to commend your dedication to make a difference in today’s family values.  Ultimately, these “values” critically affect the heart of society: our children.  Like yourself and most Americans, I would imagine, I am greatly concerned about the physical and emotional well-being of young people, especially since the results of their development, successful or otherwise, inevitably affect each and every one of us.  However, I am unsure, if we share common ideas of what qualities characterize “good family values” and methods of achieving them.

The “ideal family” – the nuclear family – of our parents’ generation is indeed showing decline.  We live now in that Preconventional culture, described by cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead, whose theory emphasized the critical influence of culture on human behavior.  America is a technological society, where change happens within a quarter blink of an eye and shows no sign of peak.  Kids don’t want to be like Mom or Dad anymore, but more like peers.  And stress levels are so high, even modern pets attend therapy.  Thus, in reaction to changing times, evolving society, and intrafamily dynamics, family means so many things today.  Family could not only be nuclear or extended, but also homosexual and single-parent.

The single-parent family is the main issue that I would like to discuss.

Considering your critical opinion of the TV character “Murphy Brown,” one parent is not enough, according to you.  True, several studies (Spruijt & de Goede, 1997; Aquilino, 1996) suggest that emotional development, academic performance, and relative success in and contribution to society are all negatively affected by the absence of a parent. Some – such as author Barbara DaFoe Whitehead of The Divorce Culture (1997)” – argue that deviation from the “intact two-parent” family is the “central cause” of society’s “most vexing social problems,… poverty, crime and declining school performance…”(Whitehead, 1993)  Thus, such beliefs would automatically doom a child of divorce or an unwed mother.

Thank God, others would disagree.

Considering all-manner of costs for raising a child today, many (Sipchen, 1997; Whitehead, 1993; Aquilino, 1996; Spruijt & de Goede, 1997) would agree that two parents raising a child together is ideal.  Two parents usually equal two steady sources of financial, emotional, and educational support.  With burdens more evenly distributed, children may receive more help with schoolwork and more parent-child quality time.

However, contrary to what too many – such as Whitehead (1993) – believe, kids are far from oblivious to unhappiness in the home, particularly parental strife.  Anthropologist Margaret Mead suggested that the best way to “produce wholesome individuals” is through a “tolerant family system,” in which parents may disagree with one another without quarreling, and children can challenge parents without loss of love and self-respect or an “increase of emotional tensions.”(Muess, 1996)  In support of this theory, many children have indicated that the emotional adjustments of divorce are preferable to living in conflict.(Demo & Acock, 1998)  In fact, psychologists Amato & Keith (1991) have found that children in high-conflict, intact families exhibit lower levels of well-being than do children in divorced families.  Of the children of “intact” families that I know, nearly half express how much they wish their parents would “get it the hell over with and get divorced.”  Perhaps, the discontent in the marriage becomes the focus, drawing significant attention away from nurturing the child.  Thus, sacrificing personal happiness for the sake of kids could do more harm than good.  In any case, a generally tension-free home atmosphere is also important – if not critical – for child development.

Such an atmosphere may be found in a single-parent home, although research shows varying degrees of success for children of single-parents.  In one study (Demo & Acock, 1998), children from single-mother homes show no less than those from two-parent homes in intelligence, academic achievement and educational attainment;  however, other studies (Wallerstein, 1998; Aquilino, 1996) found fluctuating academic performance and lower educational attainment.  Though many (Wallerstein, 1998) cite behavioral deviations – such as anger, depression, anxiety, and fluctuating academic performance throughout the divorce experience, evidence (Wallerstein, 1998; Demo & Acock, 1998; Aquilino, 1996; Rice, 1994) strongly suggests that quality of development of a single-parent child depends on:  (a) how parents choose to handle the divorce, with resolution to hostilities or otherwise, with improved and/or maintained parent-child relations or otherwise;  (b) what kind of child is involved, as far as sex and age, personality, and resolution of significant emotional issues, like anger and depression; and finally, (c) how surrounding environment reacts to these family changes, with support or criticism and/or further burden on resources.  Therefore, an infinite number of factors play into the well-being of a single-parent child, into any child, when one thinks about it.

Most important here is that a particular type of family does not automatically produce a paragon of perfectness or psychologically crippled delinquent.  The full college scholarships, community service, and enthusiastic characters of my friends and myself are testament to the quality of our single-parent and/or “intact” upbringing.  Though children of single-parents encounter obstacles that perhaps “intact” kids do not (Whitehead, 1993; Wallerstein, 1998; Aquilino, 1996) and despite the negative stereotypes – such as “poorer adjustment, personal character, moral development, ability to cope, and academic performance” (Rice, 1994) – about children of divorce and single-parenthood, adolescents of single-parents are characterized by “greater maturity, feelings of efficacy, and an internal locus of control.”(Demo & Acock, 1998)

More than a quarter of all American children are members of single-parent families (U.S. Census, 1998) and all studies acknowledge that some do fall through the cracks.  For example,  in Aquilino’s (1996) study,  more than 25% of children of single-parent parents did not complete high school versus 4% of two-parent families. But the over 74% of single-parent children that did graduate should not be overlooked and discounted as successes.

Therefore, the point of this horrendously long letter, Mr. Quayle, is to say that each family is as unique as individual DNA, considering all the possible factors involved in divorce and single-parenthood.  Each with its particular circumstances has its potentials for success and doom.  How we tap that potential depends on our parents, society, and our own determination of destiny.(Wallerstein, 1998; Demo & Acock, 1998; Aquilino, 1996)  Perhaps because of “normative” and ingrained paradigms of a “good family” (Rice, 1994),  two-parent families seem “naturally” better than other “deviant” types of family (Whitehead, 1993).

However, single-parent families exist here and now, and the problems, which they encounter, need to be addressed.  Thus, instead of encouraging the stigma of single-parenting, provide more information for future parents and community support for current parents.  Better prepare couples for the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood.  People should have more accurate information about how to achieve successful and satisfying marriages.  Definitely, we need seminars about parenthood, from pre-conception onward, and the acceptance of marriage counseling as an option before problems aggravate to separation and/or divorce. Teenagers and other young people need more, not less, open discussion in school about sex, contraceptives and consequences.  Hopefully, this will curb teenage pregnancy.  For current parents, particularly single-parents, provide support on how to cope with increased responsibility and the stress that accompanies it.  Do not stimatize the family situation; this will only hurt the child’s self esteem.(Demo & Acock, 1998)

From whom will this information come?  Social scientists, particularly psychologists, older contented married couples, religious figures (if applicable to individuals), and other models have the proper training and experience.  In short, knowledge is our greatest power and best hope for almost any success.  It is time that all of us, especially our children, enjoy its benefits.

From my suggestions, you can see that I do believe in the 2-parent family and the more resources available to a child the better.  However, as a woman and an American, I see the justification of choosing divorce and single-parenthood as well.  I remember my parents and the years of fighting that sometimes turned physical.  Meanwhile, my prayers and I huddled in my corner for peace.  My family found that peace after my parents separated.  Looking back on those times, I know my success blossomed from that aftermath of peace and relief.  I still believe whole-heartedly in marriage, but when the time arrives to choose my husband, my decision will be with less fairy tale and more caution.  The divorce and single-parent experience has taught me many strengths, including giving your best to make things work until victory or until there is no other choice, but to pull away.  When the ship is hopelessly sinking, I will reach for lifeboat.  This decision may be called selfish or maybe an “abdication of adult responsibility”(Sipchen, 1997), when one should suffer righteously. However, going down with the ship never seemed like a bright thing to do, especially for the sake of that child, who huddles in the corner.

Thank you for your consideration and good luck to you on your campaign, Mr. Quayle.

Sincerely,
Wai Chow

P.S. Here are the sources referred to in my letter:
Amato, P.A., & Keith, B. (1991).  Parental divorce and child well-being:  A meta-analysis.  Psychological Bulletin, 110, 26-46.

Aquilino, W.S. (1996). The life course of children born to unmarried mothers: Childhood living arrangement and young adult outcomes. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58, 293-310.

Cohen, Richard. (1996, October 20). Between marriage and divorce. Washington Post, p. WMAGA4.

Demo & Acock. (1998). The impact of divorce on children.  In Slife (Ed.), Taking Sides 10th Ed. (pp. 122-130).

Muess, Rolf E. (1996) Theories of Adolescence.  New York: McGraw-Hill.

Rice, Joy K. (1994). Reconsidering research on divorce, family life cycle, and the meaning of family. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 18, 559-584.

Sipchen, Bob (1997, February 24)  Divided on divorce.  Los Angeles Times, pp. E1, E6.

Spruijt, E., & de Goede, M. (1997).  Transitions in family structure and adolescent well-being. Adolescence, 32(128), 897-911.

U.S. Census Bureau. (1998). PPL-100, Marital Status and Living Arrangements: March 1998 (Update) (Report No. P20-514). Washington, DC:  U.S. Department of Commerce.

Wallerstein, Judith S. (1998) Children of Divorce:  The dilemma of the decade.  In Slife (Ed.), Taking Sides 10th Ed. (pp. 114-121).

Whitehead, B.D. (1993).  Dan Quayle was right.  The Atlantic Monthly, 271(4), 47.

Whitehead, B.D. (1997).  The Divorce Culture.  New York: Knopf.

last updated 1999 August 10