The Right to Marry…Whose?
Rev. Holly Baylies
UU Church of Wakefield MA
October 2, 2005, 2005

My images of marriage go way back, direct from the familiar cartoon of a cave man dragging “his woman” by the hair into his cave, to the “Leave it to Beaver” and the “Father Knows Best” imagery of the 50’s that we came to know and love. Marriage meant that dad worked and mom stayed home. It was a pretty good life for us, with Mom always there after school with a plate of milk and cookies, with a welcoming smile on her face, wearing her apron and blue flowered house dress. I was lucky. Dad and Mom really did love each other and we knew it.

That was 50 years ago, when the purpose of marriage was to primarily create a family. Today, in real life, families are single moms, stepfamilies; they are boyfriends and girlfriends, they are foster parents, grandparents, two moms or two dads. However, thanks to the advertising blitz on television, one might assume that the average American family is still intact- and the advertising moguls prey on that idyllic image of Dad, mom and dog and 2.5 kids buckling up in their SUV and driving off, hailing their product with gusto.

Today only 23.5 percent of families are made up of that stereotype.  In our lifetime, it is true that the state of marriage we grew up with has changed and severely deteriorated. The divorce rate has escalated twofold. Some blame it on women’s rights, or the economy, or violence and promiscuous sex on television, lousy morals, or drugs or a lack of faith or Gods way of teaching us a lesson, most recently Gay marriage has been the focus of that lesson.

There are many theories and much finger pointing at all the sinners out there that have ‘caused’ the upheavals in marriage, and subsequently the re-definition of the family.  

Today, among some our neighboring churches, today is “Protect Marriage Sunday,” where trained solicitors will be canvassing their parishioners for signatures to advance a 2008 ballot initiative to ban same-sex weddings. 

Last week, I have received a number of newsletters from local churches, outlining the strategy of the protection of marriage amendment. I did some research and uncovered a few interesting statements that I would like to share with you. The 4 Catholic Bishops of Massachusetts have sent or will send letters to their parishioners urging them to back this signature drive. Bishop George W. Coleman of Fall River wrote to his parishioners in a letter, and I quote:

“As faithful citizens we have a moral obligation to defend the truth, no matter how counter-cultural or unappreciated our convictions may be. The time is upon us to take a stand and to act lovingly but firmly to restore and to defend the truth about marriage…”

The truth about marriage?  Which truth? Oh yes, forgive me, The truth as told by the Massachusetts Family institute, Vote on Marriage. Org. that has spearheaded the signature campaign that states, and I quote from their “truth” listing of the probable consequences of the legalization of Homosexual Marriage in Massachusetts claming that Gay marriage would cause:

Further erosion and devaluation of the institution of marriage. 
Promotion of homosexuality in public and private schools via homosexual curricula, re-education programs and hate speech regulations, and taxpayer-funded homosexual activism. 
Requirement that businesses provide sex partner subsidies to 
homosexual employees. 
Expansion of homosexual adoption. 
Deprivation of parental rights. 
Application of federal and state civil rights legislation to any form of  discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. 
Persecution of faith-based charities which receive public funding 
Increased government funding for organizations which promote homosexuality…

The list ends with, the quote: “most people are radically unaware of how close their states are to re-defining marriage, the institution that is the foundation of civilization and Marriage created by God and revered by all cultures for the benefit of children and all of mankind, and it must be reclaimed.”

For those of us who are over 50 we have heard this very same rhetoric before. In the 1950’s 40 states in this country forbade the marriage of a white person to a person of color. In other words, people could not marry a person of the "wrong" race. Marriages between whites and persons of color were decried as "immoral" and "unnatural".

Overwhelming numbers of Americans agreed. A Virginia Judge upheld that State's ban on interracial marriages saying, in a language presently being used against gays, He said,

"Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, Malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix." 

In 1967, the United States Supreme Court struck down the remaining interracial marriage laws across the country. Had the Supreme court not acted, we would still be living under a religious law, banning interracial marriage, that violates the separation of church and state and divides our citizenry into first and second class citizens. 

In a news release to the Boston Globe Kris Mineau, president of the Massachusetts family institute, spoke of the signature campaign saying,  “We have a high level of confidence and its going to be fun time.”

The truth is that the state issues marriage licenses, not the church. The truth is that any church can refuse to perform a marriage on whatever grounds they choose 

The truth cannot be found in the bible; it can be paraphrased to suit anyone’s needs. The truth cannot be found in any one religious belief, for we are all made so differently. The foundation of the civilized world has been severely shaken once more, by the spouting of another so called truth that is intended to further divide us as a nation, and is all too often revealed in the failings of our own image.

The truth is that, interracial couples did not destroy marriage any more than gays or lesbians will. The truth is that ignorance, poverty, selfishness, greed, bigotry, prejudice, narrow mindedness and hatred destroy marriages. So do churches when their teachings echo injustices that would make a modern Jesus cringe. Christianity in so many ways has failed its people, by holding itself up as the only way of finding a truth of our living that is valid and meaningful for all.

Politically, I cannot tell you what to think, I can only share with you the facts as I see them, and in my own way, through my own experience, apply them to the principles that we have pledged to uphold when we joined this church. Even our first principle, to honor the worth and dignity of every human being has its interpretations, as we subconsciously, or with full awareness, make our own decisions as to who is welcome and who is not.

In a former church I once served, a couple came to me to be married. They had adopted a black girl from Texas who suffered from alcohol fetal syndrome. She had the very best of medical care, began to talk and dance and discovered that her parents truly loved her. Her two dads gave her what a good Christian family would not, a loving home. Her two Dads have good jobs and buy their own health insurance. Her two Dads are looking for a home in Wakefield large enough to take in a mother in law, so they can care for her as well. I hope they will join this church, for they are foremost in the way they live their everyday lives, Unitarian Universalists. They are a very well adjusted family, like so many who only wish to live their lives with the dignity and respect they deserve. And you know what, they truly love one another!

I have yet to hear one argument that focused on love. The issue is not The Right to marry, the issue is really who has the right to love and to respect another human being enough to ask their hand in marriage, literally, until death do them part.

The gay and lesbian couples I have married over the past year, have been together for years, they have a commitment that comes from the traditional idea, that marriage is a sacred promise for life, not a chance to dress up and put on a show, or that marriage is a meal ticket, not a fling, or a shortcut to filing ones taxes, and certainly not a quick fix for unexpected children. The opponents to gay marriage have a lot to learn from these couples, whose values in choosing their life partners are exactly those that their opponents have been looking for. So many have left their churches in great sadness, because their genuine love for one another is not welcome. 

In 1969, these words were spoken by the Supreme Court Judge who issued this statement upon overturning the interracial marriage law: He said,  "freedom to marry" belongs to all Americans. The Court described marriage as one of our "vital personal rights" which is "essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by a free people". *(From the California Marriage Equality Association) 

Last week Janine and I had the opportunity to hear Sonia Weitz, a holocaust survivor speaking to the students at Wakefield High. Her story is remarkable, in that it is inconceivable what she went through, what she saw and how she survived. Her closing words to the students were, “There is much injustice that goes on in school; you know that, you see it everyday. If there is nothing else I can tell you, its don’t be a bystander… ”    

I took her words to heart. I hope you do too.

So be it
Amen