Smackdown Recap, 3-22-01
-- No promo vid to start, because, as Jay says, "Too much good shit happened on Monday."
-- Sign: "Signs R 4 Losers."
-- My Boy comes out. Hiya, darlin. <blink> But wait, if he's out now, what am I going to have to look forward to for the rest of the show?
-- Mikey should never feel obligated to say the word "besmirched".
-- Scotty & his homeless-guy-shopping-cart roll down the ramp. Now I *really* have nothing to look forward to for the rest of the show.
-- Well, there's still the tag boys, but.....eh.
-- Scotty's hosting Heat? Ooooooooooooooh! I wanna GO!
-- There's a Frankenstein in his cart. I figure it's probably not worth the effort to figure out what it's doing there.
-- Scotty launches a trash can lid....over Chris's head. Oops.
-- Ceej knocks Scotty into the cart, and nearly catapults him into some audience members.
-- They hit the back. Regal's office, to be exact.
-- Chris (while smashing Scotty's face into the pastry tray): "Come on, Raisin! Eat some crumpets, lad!"
-- Regal throws something in CJ's face. I swear he just loudly yelled "FUCK" in response, but as that would be pegging UPN as *all* kinds of stupid, I'm probably wrong on that one.
-- Scotty pins Regal to escape the match. Gotta love 24-7.
-- They show the Austin/Rocky promo shot where they're smirking at each other like smitten schoolboys.
-- commercials
-- Coach: "Commissioner Regal, are you okay?"
Regal: "Am I okay? Am I o-bloody-KAY?"
-- Heh...it's fun to listen to him sound gratuitously British.
-- Regal puts Raven in the match with Big Show and Kane at WM, and then tells Coach to sod off.
-- Promo of the Vince/Shane/Steph/Trish/Hunter spot on Monday.
-- JR: "Wait, that's not Vince, that's Stephanie!"
Jay: "Wow, his eyes *do* work! Well, he's only got the one, but..."
-- Afterwards, Hunter and Steph gloat. Hunter sounds less than thrilled about beating the shit out of Shane. Yes, dear, we all really *can* tell that you love him.
-- HuntNSteph actually get....*cute*. Weird.
-- I'm sitting here trying to figure out if Hunter got a haircut. I have no clear decision on this. Hmm.
-- commercials
-- Austin/Rock/Kurt promo. Jay (repeating after an announcer...I *think*):
"The fury of the Rock, and the passion of Stone Cold!"
me: "Um?"
-- Hunter accosts the Show. His hair's perty. Hunter, of course. Not the Show. Yeah.
-- Grandmaster and Blackman bring K-Kwik out today. K is the only one of them who can dance.
-- X-Factor (are they really called that?) arrives. Fluffy does a Shawn-spin. Hmm....
-- Okay, let's start looking for *today's* sign that Fluffy and Peej are screwing!
-- Kwiky jingles when he moves. And damn, can he move.
-- Albert nearly kills Brian Christopher. Hey, that'd be kinda funny.
-- K accosts Teddy Long, for reasons that I can't figure out because I'm really not paying attention.
-- You know...unless everyone's getting a third member, I really think this whole thing's gonna be a dead-end for Fluffy and Peej.
-- K takes a *hell* of an X-Factor. (Er, the move, not the group.)
-- Peej and Fluffy proceed to basically take K's head off, a la Shawn. Maybe I'm just reading too much into everything (I mean, that's like the entire reason I *watch*, to read too much into everything), but I suspect that they're trying to tell us something.
-- Hunter attacks Mark in the hallway, then strolls away, calling, "Good to see you!" Mark sulks. It's odd to see the Undertaker sulk.
-- commercials, including bizarre Stacker 2 commercials with Kane, which are much more fun than anything involving Kane has any right to be.
-- Jay: "Kane in a grocery store was worth the price of admission alone."
-- Recap of the hall. It really seems like Hunter's *everywhere* on these shows lately.
-- Hunt leads Mark like a Pied Piper to Steph, getting him arrested. Mark mocks the cops, and Hunter while he's at it.
-- Steph: "He violated.......the LAW!"
-- <snicker> You had to hear it.
-- The McMahon-Helmsleys decide to keep Mark hostage indefinitely. Bunnies-a-go-go...
-- Coach gets Regal to announce that Kane'll now fight Big Show and HHH by himself. Coach is apparently Regal's personal Smackdown interviewer or something.
-- JR kisses Austin's ass. Actually, this is an assumption on my part, since I wasn't paying attention. But, since JR *always* seems to be kissing Austin's ass, I thought it was a pretty safe one.
-- commercials
-- New York Sports Clubs try to sway us to join by showing us some asscrack. Ooooookay.
-- Rocky, wearing pink-striped track pants (?????), questions the integrity of the upcoming interview.
-- They play the R/A clips package *again*. Jay kills the sound.
-- The interview. Rocky stares down the camera for no visible reason, while Austin sneers at either him or JR. I'm not sure.
-- JR tries to matchmake the two. (Just go with it.) Rocky shoots the proposition down. Austin gets all huffy and starts ignoring Rocky.
-- Austin's in a terrible mood. Even for *him*. Oh, it's so tragic to watch their relationship crack under the stress. <snicker>
-- It's weird. Rocky's speaking *as* the Rock, but *like* Dwayne.
-- R&A get testy over Debra. Shock.
-- Austin: "You've got what I want, that's all I can say." Rocky damn near smirks.
-- JR asks how they feel about each other personally. Things turn ugly.
-- R: "Everyone knows how the Rock feels about Austin, and everyone knows
how Austin feels about the Rock."
me: "Not everyone. Just us slashers."
-- You know...Rocky's answer is really subtext-laden before the ugliness. Or it could just be me.
-- Gratuitous quotes ahoy...
-- A: "I want to beat your ass as much as you want to beat mine." I begin snickering.
-- R: "I'm glad you appreciate the fact that I want to whip your ass." I continue snickering.
-- Then Rocky basically hits Austin with a blatant comeon. It includes the phrase, "You will see why they call me the Rock." I attempt to not choke.
-- A: "I NEED to beat you." Somehow, I'm not surprised that Austin's got sadist tendencies. Although it does go against how girly he gets around Rocky and Hunter sometimes.
-- commercials. First one's for Chains of Love. How fitting.
-- Aerosmith was apparently at WWF New York. I just share this with you because I had absolutely no idea it had happened.
-- They come back with Big Show already in the ring. Thus depriving us of the most interesting thing about BS, which is his pyro.
-- Shot of Mark during H&S's entrance. I'm fairly sure he just called Hunt pathetic.
-- HHH & BS go gangland style (thank you, CJ) on Kane. Gee, who didn't see that coming.
-- Mark nearly clocks a cop for getting between him and the telly.
-- Kane gets to be Energizer!Kane. Do you think this is their poor attempt to make us think that he doesn't really *need* Mark?
-- One should never attempt a double-chokeslam involving the Show. I'm sorry, that's just stupid, you're gonna get what you deserve.
-- HHH's very unique, very *Hunter* method of taking the ring announcer's chair is to shove the ring announcer over the guardrail and into the crowd. Gotta love that.
-- Mark busts out of the dressing room, kung-fu style.
-- Hunt: "I'm going to enjoy destroying your family."
-- It's always nice when he has a new hobby.
-- The cops aren't really cops. Well DUH.
-- Hunt pulls out the sledgehammer, all but proclaiming, "Say hello to my little friend!"
-- H: "It's good to have friends, and mine are in all the right places."
-- I didn't have anything to add to that, I just liked it for some reason.
-- Mark gets a blurscreen over his bleeding head. That's so old school that it's cool. Although it'd be *really* old school if he got the big black bar that says CENSORED. That thing *rocked*, dude.
-- Granted, this was when I was like seven years old. So I think it's a bias thing.
-- commercials
-- Recap of the Mark mini-conspiracy. Jay and I try to figure out how Mark bladed wearing cuffs.
-- They announce the Gimmick Battle Royal for WM. Dear God, it really *is* going to happen.
-- Promo of the musical-chairs-game that was the tag champ scene on Monday.
-- SPIKE!!!!!!!! ....Kay, thought that merited repeating.
-- Edge and Christian interview. J's still wearing those runner sunglasses...over his hat. Freak.
-- Adam had to take a *long* breath to get out that little Spike insult.
-- A: "Christian."
J: "What?"
A: "Get the Rhino."
me (giggling): "Dorks."
-- Jay sums the next bit up succinctly: "Austin drinking beer while driving a forklift. It doesn't get any better than that."
-- commercials
-- On MTV, Gavin's talking about Spring Break Rocks: "I thought I was going to die." Something about the way he says it makes me and Jay crack up. And then I feel guilty. Poor Gavin. This does not stop me from laughing.
-- Jay and I snort at Rhino-with-a-Y, and reminisce about Spike Dudley interviews.
-- Hey...I just realized that the Dudleys have just tapped into the only thing that'll make me cheer for them. Rat bastards.
-- Adam's wearing his red pants. I just love that pretty wuss.
-- Everybody consecutively misses their finishers, from the Drop on down, til Rhino (no I will *not* use the Y) painfully spears Spike through the table. I'll give that one a big OW.
-- Austin stalks Vince and threatens him, re: Debra. I try to care.
-- commercials, starting with the WM one. Jay begins screaming, "NO! NO MORE SONG!"
-- Jay's version of the Austin/Vince spot: "If anything happens to Debra, I'm gonna rip off your fuckin toupee and piss on it!"
-- Yeah, sounds close enough to me.
-- RTC is in the house. Everyone *leaps* for joy. <cough>
-- The Ivory/cardboard-Chyna spot on Mon. has convinced me that Ivory's *not* incongruous to the gay cult theory, as she *so* obviously wants her. <nods> Think about it.
-- .....Or don't. Cuz, you know, it's Ivory and Chyna. And that's just weird.
-- Val whips out his porn voice mid-sentence, which is all kinds of odd.
-- Ya know...it's sad. I try so hard to be anti-Stevie, and then I catch myself checking out his ass in those pants when he climbs out of the ring. I'm so weak.
-- Tazz chokes out Stevie again. <points> Ha ha.
-- Angle/Benoit spot. Angle: "I think we had a magical moment." I try to let that one slide.
-- Angle impresses Benny with his sadism. As Kurt walks away, Benny has *obviously* just fallen in love.
-- Don't believe me? Jay's response to the same look: "They're gonna have *butt sex* later!"
-- Then he amends, "No, of course they won't." I get disappointed.
-- Then he adds, "The only one Benoit'll have butt sex with is Jericho."
-- BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! ....I've trained his mind well.
-- commercials
-- Jay and I pass the time discussing this whole hooking-teams-up-with-ECW-people thing. Jay puts forward the idea that, in an ideal word, the Hardys would get RVD. But, he says, "We all know he's a known marijuana user, so the WWF's reluctant to hire him."
-- me: "Yeah, we all know what happened to their *last* marijuana user." Then we both crack up. Then I feel guilty. Poor, poor Bri. This does not stop me from laughing.
-- Benoit looks so depressed. Maybe Kurt rejected him after the cameras went off. (Kurt's heart belongs to Hunter, you know. Then again, everybody wants Hunter.)
-- Kurt comes out next. He looks like he's been crying. Hmm. I don't want to fic this. I *don't* want to fic this...
-- Mikey (sounding much too excited, to no one's surprise): "Here comes the
world champion!"
music: "No chance..."
me: "Or not." <thinking> "Mikey's so disappointed."
-- When Rocky *does* show up, he looks stoned.
-- Benoit does some suplex on Rocky. Rocky can't resist grabbing his head for protection on the way down.
-- Jay and I discuss Angle's fashion sense.
-- Rock throws Benny into Vince. Vince's eyes go that demon shade of black in response.
-- Benny almost *skips* to get a chair.
-- Mikey sounds like he has way too much fun saying the words, "How is the Rock *doin* it?"
-- Jay tries to cajole Debra into going for a top rope move on the Rock, and then tries to cajole me into putting it in my recap. Kay.
-- Benoit puts on the Crossface. Vince has a coronary.
-- Benny and Kurt are *so* gonna get in a bitchfight. Just you wait.
-- Rocky pretends he's Bret again. I start wondering if it's a Benoit thing, or if Rocky is just doing this because I'm recapping again.
-- Angle looks like he's enjoying Benoit's screams of pain a little too much. I try to decide if I *want* to know.
-- Vince gets a Rock Bottom. Cool.
-- Austin watches Rocky get an ankle lock from the back, happily drinking beer. Gee, this place is a *breeding ground* for sado-masochistic relationships.
-- Proving my point, the last line of the show is Mikey (indignantly, of course) yelling, "Stone Cold is enjoying the Rock's pain!"
-- Hey...that was my line. Jerk.
-- And that's the show. Til next time.