Raw, 3/22/04
(where I am assaulted by all TEH HOTTNESS, and oh yeah, there's a draft, or something.)
-- They show the locker rooms, where both shows are divvied up into separate rooms, and everyone is wearing their show's shirt, apparently so we don't forget where anyone belongs like the goldfish we are. Kurt is sitting there wearing a backwards baseball cap. Hee!
-- Next, Bisch and Heyman on the interview set, trying to intimidate each other. Bisch looks hot happy. Paul E's got a neck brace from Thursday's encounter with Mark. Then Vince shows up and tries to explain the rules of this thing, which wind up making no sense anyway.
-- We do, however, learn that Randy is not in the building, having had a tonsillectomy (really? poor thing. I will resist the urge to try and find him and ply him with ice cream). Well, *geez*, people. As Jack Black would say, "Off to a bad start."
-- Vince then walks away, refusing to shake hands with either of them. (Hee.) Heyman gets back in Bisch's face. Bisch looks like he's about to crack up.
-- Opening. Sign: "Bring back X-Pac". Heh heh heh.
-- JR+King are in their usual spot up by the 'Tron, and Cole+Tazz are at ringside (because they are of the people, dammit!!!).
-- B/H come out. Heyman gets the first pick (Sign: "I be haten Heyman" -- OMG TEH SPELIGN), and gives a speech of some kind from his podium. Bisch looks hot amused, then hot serious as we get to the actual pick.
-- Paul E lets out a great, DiBiase laugh, then announces he's broken up one of Raw's premiere groups -- but it just turns out to be La Resistance, because the pick's Rene. In the locker room, LR simply look kind of confused, and Trips is shown nearly wetting himself with relief. Rene then comes out to the ring, randomly taking a pic with PE.
-- He's frosted his hair. A lot. I don't like it.
-- Rene bitches, and challenges anyone on Raw, which brings out Ceej (YOU SEXY BITCH YOU). Some girl screams into the camera at an even higher pitch than I could ever hope to achieve. Oy.
-- CJ is still doing his all-business, "I *kill* you!" thing. So you know.
-- Oh, and the Dupree Dance now has a name -- it's the French Tickler. This simultaneously amuses and mortifies me, and I briefly wonder if Matt Hardy named it, as he seems to have named everything else.
-- Speaking of whom, sign: "I <3 Sgt. Amy". Dude. I call for Army!Amy fic!
-- Chris wins. (His hair is so short. Wah!) Rene screams gutterally (it was truly a sound to behold) and demands respect, which brings out the ATVoC. Austin does two laps around the ring, then a fake-out-handshake Stunner. Then he drinks beer. I begin cooking up crackpot theories that Austin will now be on Smackdown, just based on the fact that they've put the beer-drinking segment randomly in the middle of the show.
-- commercials
-- We come back to Rico/Jackie in the ring, which means we miss the music. Dammit.
-- Bisch now gets to make a pick (presumably to fight Rico). In the meantime, he's all, "Bitch, if Smackdown's so cool, why's the draft on Raw? HUH?"
me and Jay (in unison): "'Cause it's live?"
-- He then proceeds to break up the SPWGTT (OMG NO NOT MY SUCK SQUAD!!!) by drafting Shelton (DAMMIT, YOU DIDN'T EVEN DRAFT CHARLIE SO I COULD OGLE HIM!). In the locker room, S/C hug. Someone in the room sarcastically yells "Awww" and I want to both applaud and smack him.
-- We all get faked out as Kane comes out to squash Rico instead. We obviously couldn't handle the Fucking Technical Wrestling! (TM) of Rico vs. Shelton.
-- Kane then threatens both GMs against putting him on the same show as Mark. Dude, you *know* you're totally asking for it now.
-- PE picks. Someone (no, not someone random -- one of the announcers) comments that he's like a kid in a candy store. Somehow, I think this implies that Raw has all the guys. Heh.
-- Then he picks Jindrak. Someone (dammit, you give me four announcers at once and expect me to keep track of who's saying what?) says they've now broken up two teams, and someone else says that they've been keeping count. Apparently not well enough to notice that they've broken up THREE. Idiots.
-- commercials. OMG Y2J STINGER COMMERCIAL!!! O_O
-- Raw locker room. Look, Ben-n-Jeri hanging out in the corner together! (*gratuitous fangirl SQUEEEEEE*) Look, Shawn too! Entertainment, yo. All for me.
-- Bisch is wearing glasses again (*melt*). He says Raw is home to good-looking people (YES LIKE YOU YOU HOT BASTARD) and draws Nidia, who throws something at someone in the locker room, before coming out and stripping off her SD shirt to replace it with the Raw one. Bisch is pleased. As are we all. Except...
-- Paul E: "Congratulations, Nidia, I hope you go blind again." (*snorfle*)
-- Before PE can pick, Cena comes out. (See, I have an excuse for mentioning him this week, damn you!!!) Paul E starts backing away and yelling, "I'm injured!", and Eric can be heard gleefully yelling back, "Do it! Do it!"
-- Cena freestyles a bit, draws for Smackdown, and tosses it to Paul (with, "I gave you one ball but you still got no --" (*insert crowd fill-in*)). B/H argue over whether or not it counts as a real pick. Eric *insists* it does (although what could possibly make him think that this would have been a bad pick is beyond me).
-- The pick, of course, turns out to be Hunter, who manages to spit-take all over the entire locker room. The look on his face is PRICELESS. I wish Randy was here for this.
-- You know, Trips looks less fat today. Maybe it's the extremely loose shirts.
-- commercials
-- Moments Ago, Trips. During The Break, the Raw locker room serenaded him with a lovely farewell song, and he threw his water bottle violently, trying to peg whoever he managed not to spray.
-- Our favorite pimp CLB and his ho new girl come out. JR calls Trish "lascivious". Heh.
-- OMG SPIKE IS COMING OUT FOR REVENGE!!! Be afraid.
-- Spike pulls off his shirt, a girl yells, "Woo!" and I crack up.
-- TICKER OF DOOM!
-- Sign: "Molly Mark". As should we all be.
-- Jerry (re: Trish's top): "What's that peeking out?"
Jay (exasperated): "It's a BRA, Jerry."
-- It's actually really distracting, too. Well, to me, at least. 'Cause it's black. And the shirt is pink. Yeah.
-- JR: "How can a woman like to have her hair pulled?"
Jerry: "Oh, JR, you need to get out more." (*snicker*)
-- JR expresses confusion over what Trish sees in Christian, and Jerry sagely says he'll explain after the show. Dammit, now I have the image of Jerry explaining the birds and bees to JR. You sick fucks.
-- Bisch still looks distraught over the Hunter thing, and whines that he's going to find Vince, storming off instead of making a pick.
-- commercials
-- Hypothetical thought: Suppose Trips *hadn't* been a legal pick for Smackdown...could one argue that instead, *Cena* owned Trips? No? Well, I can dream.
-- Vince is all, "E, can't help ya." Eric's all, "Dammit to hell." Then they book Eddie/Trips for the Real Title. OMG NO! TRIPS, YOU BITCH!!!
-- ...I, as you can see, am always a pessimist where Trips is concerned.
-- Bisch, in return, declares that, no matter who the next pick is, he'll fight Benny for the Oversized Title. BE SHANNON.
-- It turns out to be Rhyno. (Hey, that means I get to see Rhyno again! Cool!) Old feuds rekindled!!!1!!!
-- commercials
-- Rewind: The INTERMINABLE TAG MATCH ended, to the surprise of everyone who thought it was going to continue running to this very week.
-- BookeRVD's music is subtly different every time they come out, and yet, every week, it sucks more.
-- Mmm, TFD. I could have met him, you know. Although, on the other hand, perhaps *he* would have hurt me, since Benny never did.
-- Ric Flair's purple boots own you.
-- This is all less entertaining without the possibility of Ort!glomping afterwards. No, wait -- it's just less entertaining because BookeRVD are fighting.
-- Sign of the Night: "JR bleeds gravy". I *love* you, Mr. Pimp Hat Sign Guy!
-- commercials. Jay *moans* "Oh, GOD" in disgust. Then we fight over whether any match can still be worth watching with commercials. (He just refuses to let me win.)
-- We come back to Flair carrying the match as usual. Jay proceeds to stop whining and strut around the room.
-- Someone has a little sign that just says, "NICE!". I wish I'd thought of that.
-- Oh, the Mafia won, btw. AS THEY FUCKING SHOULD.
-- ...I never *wanted* to be an Evo mark, people. I promise.
-- commercials. Y(2)J Stinger again. CJ OWNS MY SOUL. Also, this song is a lot easier to listen to when he's being a big geek who's singing about Enraged Raspberry and stuff.
-- Paul E gets another pick (finally) and draws RVD. Which is funny, because Jay and I just spent five minutes talking about that. Heh.
-- Backstage, BookeRVD hear the news, and pretend they have not spent more time fighting against each other than *with* each other. Stupid fake tag-team.
-- Rhyno/Benny. Benoit has really pretty eyes. I'm just sayin.
-- CAN'T YOU FEEL THE ANGST??? (*snicker*) I swear, I'm the only one who brings up stupid crap like this.
-- I mean, really, I should just write all of his angles. I promise that Jericho would only be in 25% of them.
(I make no such promises for Kurt Angle.)
-- Oh, if you don't know who won this, you don't know wrestling. *Really*.
-- Backstage, Bisch watches Benny work the crowd on TV (UST? (*hides*)) and Shawn comes up and literally *begs* to be traded to follow Hunter (codependent much? somebody's *writing* this, right?). He says he's going to take what Hunter holds dear. What, his Twinkies?
-- Bisch gives him a title match at Backlash instead. CANADA IS GOING TO EAT SHAWN ALIVE.
-- commercials
-- Slam of the Week: Molly loses her wig.
-- Bisch draws Tajiri, thus breaking up Shinka (right after I finally came up with a semi-clever name for them, too! Vince, you BASTARD). Awww, I feel bad for the one on the right. (What, it's not like I get to watch SD! and thus know their names or anything.)
-- Paul E fires back with Teddy Long. (Backstage, Jazz is *pissed*.) Oh-ho, the balance of power has SHIFTED.
-- Eric picks Adam! Hoo-ah! I get to see Adam again when he comes back! Good times.
-- Paul E gets his final pick, who turns out to be Spike. He rolls his eyes. Bisch laughs. Cole and Tazz talk up Spike, because dammit, he is not to be trifled with.
-- Paul E (to Bisch): "Pick the final member of the Smackdown roster, cause I can't stand any of them anyway."
-- Following this, of course, Bisch winds up picking Paul E. SD rejoices. Raw fears. (Except CJ, who is seen laughing. Hee.) Paul E then quits, because he refuses to "sell his soul" to Bischoff (I LOVE YOU YOU EVIL, EVIL PRICK -- CALL ME, I'LL SELL MINE). Eric takes to the ring, lords over the talent, and --
-- Enter Adam! All in leather. MMMMMMM.
-- He spears Bisch (which, duh), who slides across the mat and smacks his head hard against the bottom turnbuckle. OW.
-- ...It's deeply disturbing that I am at all torn by this.
-- commercials
-- Moments Ago, Adam was all, grr. During The Break, Paul got in his limo and got a *job*. YEE-UH!
-- Trips. He comes out wearing a Raw shirt, and rips it off for a SD shirt. The biggest plus: he is still wearing a shirt.
-- Irony alert! Trips is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness. Insert joke here. For example:
Jay: "Are you sure it's not called Muscle and Fatness?"
-- Hey, look, Hunter's almost got visible obliques! Good for him. Unless it's just trick photography.
-- commercials. The loose ends on this show...are phenomenal.
-- I still have nothing to say about this match.
-- Evo runs out to help Trips (why? he's leaving! you don't need him now! ditch him!). Cena and Rey take them, Shawn gets Trips, Christian gets Eddie, RVD gets Christian, and suddenly everyone comes out to beat the crap out of each other. No, really. EVERYONE. I half-expect to see Lilian swinging a chair (although that would really be the GREATEST RAW EVAR).
-- And that's it. Oh well.