It was around eleven when I got to the office and Billy caught me as soon as I walked through the door. He was not happy at all, and it definitely showed.

"Morning Billy." I said as I walked into his office.

"Is leaving mid day, in the middle of a case going to be a habit of yours Scarecrow?" He said to me, along with some other rather colorful words. I didn't know how to respond so I looked down at my shoes for some reason. I think I remember telling Billy I was sorry about the way I acted, and him telling me that he wasnÕt the one I should be apologizing to. Well, I didn't apologize to Amanda that day or any of the days after that. In fact I think I succeed in finally pushing her away, for good.

Hold on a second.

Okay I am back now. Sorry this is all getting to me, I am not sure how I am going to be able to hold all of this in. I am not doing a very good job of it at the moment.

Anyway the next few days were used for putting our plan into place. Francine and I worked together more in this time then we had ever worked together really. I saw the look on Amanda's face when Billy would assign Francine to work with me and not her. It was breaking her; I knew it. But I couldn't have her involved; I couldn't let anything happen to her, only if she knew that.

A few days into the case, Amanda didn't show up for work. I knew why, we hadn't used her for anything, even background checks. Billy had put up a huge fight about this, but I kept telling him I didn't need her involved, that Francine or even myself could do the legwork. So I think Amanda left it up to herself that she wasn't needed and didn't come into work. I missed her more than I wanted to admit.

For some reason I wanted to go over to her house, and knock on her kitchen window and explain everything, but I knew I couldn't. Maybe I'll get my chance to explain everything to her.

Well, I got my chance the next day. I went into Billy's office when I got in and he told me that Amanda was upstairs doing some research on the case. We were getting further behind, and I knew it.

I decided to play it safe and not say anything when I entered the Q-Bureau, and let her do all the work.

Amanda didn't even look up when I came in and sat down at my desk. This puzzled me a bit, since she was always so chipper in the morning, even when she was upset about something. I looked around the room carefully; I guess I was trying to see if anything was different.

My eyes settled on the person hovering over what looked like paperwork. That's what was different.

"Ah morning Amanda." I said to her. She didn't even look at me when she responded with a lame 'morning'.

I asked her what she was working on, and all I got was the **** case. Do you how guilty I felt right about now, I never wanted to do this to her. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.

"No, some people still think I can do my job." She said to me. That stung and I got mad. I know I shouldn't of, but I did nonetheless.

"I never said anything like...," I had begun to say before she cut me off. She was always good at that.

"You didn't have to." She told me, finally looking at me. "I spoke to Billy, Lee. He said you didn't need me." I wanted to explain why, she needed to know, even if I wasn't ready to share that particular bit of history. "There is nothing to explain, I think I get the picture here. Don't worry I won't be under foot to much longer and then you can get back to the more important things in life." She told me as she got up and walked towards the door. Where on earth was she going? I needed to talk to her. We needed to talk.

"Billy needs these reports, excuse me." Then she was gone. I was left standing there in the middle of our office alone. Again.

I remember calling her that night; she had gone home after half a day that day. I had to explain to her what was going on. She had actually asked why I called her at home, and gave me this argument about not being able to call here anymore. I told her I wouldn't but she had to hear me out. Amanda put up quite a fight; she didn't want to even talk to me, not that I could blame her. Needless to say my temper started to rise. I really tried not to let it, she just wouldn't let me explain everything.

"Amanda, if you let me finish what I have to say..," I said to her trying to get through to her.

"Why should it matter to me what you have to say, I am just another house wife turned spy," She huffed. I tried to tell her that she meant more to me, and mind you this isn't the way I wanted to tell her believe me, but she didn't want to know. "I mean as much to you as the next pretty face you see on the street." Ouch that hurt. "But you know what, Lee, I am not sure why you keep me around anyway, it's not like you need me for anything."

She actually hung up on me. What she said I have to admit hurt a lot, but with the way I have been acting for the last few days, I can't blame her. I sat there for a bit, when I finally decided to try and put this behind me. I did say try. I would try to go on with the case as if nothing happened. Immerse myself into my work, again.

Over the next two days we got our lead, and found our target. We were to move in on them the next day. Billy, Francine had set everything up. I was to go in, since I was already in contact with the necessary people.

Amanda, true to her word, stayed out of my way. I was disturbed about this; I didn't want her to stay away from me. I wanted to be close to her, needed to I guess. I did notice that she looked worse for the wear, dark circles under her eyes and everything. She must not of been sleeping, just like me.

Well, Billy decided to have her work the surveillance van. Which was okay, at least she would be out of danger, lord knows Mr. **** would stop at nothing, he would kill her if he knew that we were close. I couldn't have that; I need Amanda too much in my life. She is my savior, my one tie to life itself. If I had to get right down to the facts, you could say that I love her. Not that I would ever say that to her, that she would want me to say that to her. I can tell that she doesn't now.

Can you blame me for wanting to keep her safe? I mean this man once hunted me, wanted to kill me. For six months we were in search of him, tailing every move his assistants made, hoping to get closer. All the while, he knew how to get to me, how to make me weak, to break me. I was involved in a relationship at the time; I thought she was the one. You know marriage and everything. I kept it all a secret from the Agency; I am really not sure how they didn't find out. I think it was because she traveled so much, as did I, that we were able to keep it such a secret. It was a Sunday morning when everything went downhill, I went out to get breakfast for a newspaper and us, it was the one-day that we both could stay home and relax, you know what I mean. I left that morning, and when I came back the place was a mess and she was gone.

We received a demand message two hours after that. Billy told me over and over that nothing would happen to her, that we would get her back alive and well. I wanted to believe him. That next day her body was found. Hold on again.

Sorry about that journal, it's about an hour later now. I couldn't help it; I had to let go. Again I have no one in my life. I am not a man anymore; this isn't how someone is supposed to live his or her life. Should a person be allowed to live their life alone? I don't think so it's so unfair. I have to switch on the television; this silence is driving me nuts.

Okay maybe MTV isn't what I want to watch, but then again I am not watching it, I just need some noise in the background, so music is the best kind of noise. To bad there isn't a classic station.

Okay after what happened all those years ago, I decided not to get involved with anyone. Logical excuse right? I felt so lost, I don't know bent I guess.

What's that song? I can't believe these lyrics, they are exactly what I am feeling.

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

I do need help to get back together. I need all the help I can get. I need Amanda.