Well here I am, one more day here can you believe it? My stay is almost over, I can't tell you how happy that its over. Then I get to thinking, what do I have to go home to? Nothing. Sometimes it makes this place seem like heaven. What am I going to do?

I had to stop writing earlier, I know, I know. But I had to, this writing is like a truth serum, everything just comes out. I guess I needed to hear it, even if it is from my own words.

Billy came in this afternoon for about fifteen minutes; he said something about having to go out on a case or something with Francine. I am worried yes, he hasn't been out in the field in a very long time.

Soon dinner will be here, and then I get go to sleep and leave in the morning. I can't wait to get out of here. Even though I can't return to field duty for a while, but any work, keeping busy, is better than this.

It was hard not seeing Lee after he got shot. God, I was scared, even though everything he did the past week before that to me, it didn't matter to me. If he had died, I don't know what I'd do. This man means so much to me.

But he hurt me deeply.

I fought very hard not to go and see him. I knew he saw me when he arrived at the hospital, so I left.

I went home after that and decided to spend more time with my kids and mother. Billy understood when I told him I needed to have some time for them. I knew I had to keep busy, so I did half days at the Agency doing old paperwork and the other half at home with my family. Although my mother let me know I wasn't the company. I would snip at everyone and my patience was nil. I made it through those first few days, well, I think, considering the situation.

I couldn't take it anymore though. Billy had said he was going to be fine, and would return to work in a few days. I knew that meant no field duty, but it was still good that he was returning. There was a chance he might not of made it at all.

I couldn't take the gloating and things Francine would say when she came back in from the hospital with Lee. She has made me feel awful more times then I care to count about everything. She has always tried to discredit the things I do around here, like a person outside the 'Agency' can't do what she does. In my mind I have proved her wrong, and plus I know that Billy at least is on my side.

So I finally went to the hospital. Billy said he was going to be discharged the next day, and I figured that something had and needed to be changed. So I picked up my purse and keys and out the door I went.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into his room was the coldness of it. I don't mean temperature wise, but the atmosphere. It was like no one cared about this man. I cared, I still do. I felt tears warming my eyes at this knowledge; I was petty over the last week.

He is sleeping when I come in, television blaring some sort of music. I am sure he just had it on for background noise, its to quiet in here. The nurse must have brought in his dinner after he fell asleep. I look under the tops; I am not sure how he survived at all eating that food. I notice a notebook that looks a bit worse then wear and a pen resting gently next to his hand. He's been writing, I remember telling him that it would be good to get it out of his system. That's the day we had a mild argument about him not talking to me, and keeping things bottled up for so long.

He actually listened to me.

I gently reach over and remove the notebook and pen from where they lay, trying not to disturb him; I know he needs his rest, even though he would never admit it to anyone. I set the notebook down on the nightstand next to his bed and sit down in the chair next to him. There is so much left unsaid, I know we need to desperately need to talk to each other. As I sit here channel flipping with the television on mute I look around and find a few books that Billy must of brought in for Lee to read. Nothing to interesting for me, and for him, he must have been really board if he read them all. I turn around and my eyes settle on his journal. I know I shouldn't read it, I really shouldn't. Lee's private thoughts and emotions are kept inside of these black covers. I ran my hand over the cover and down the spine, trying to decide mostly if I should read, well just parts.

He had book marked where he had begun his hospital stay. I wonder why he did that, I mean one usually bookmarks where they left off. I started to read it, I couldn't help myself, I so desperately needed to talk to him, talk with him, and I gave in. I know that may sound like I am just making excuses or something, and maybe I am.I am about in on the third page and I am nearly in tears. I never knew any of this. I had no idea he felt this way about me, about anything. Oh god, what have I done? I want to stop reading, but something keeps telling me to read further. It's like a voice in my head telling me go on, read more. Taunting me. I know I shouldn't be doing this.

But I read further on.

Oh god, that's why he didn't want me on this case? But why couldn't he tell me? I am going through the worst emotional guilt right now, I have no idea what to do. I am already crying at this point. How could someone go through what he did and want to work with someone like me, now I know why he was so adamant about me not working with him, on any case.

Slowly as I read on, I am beginning to understand the man called Lee Stetson. I get to the place in his writing where I just stop and look at what he had written, and I have to reread it. He said he loves me, Lee Stetson, Mr. I don't anyone. Ha! I am peechless, but I am smiling at this point. Through everything our feelings have never changed.

I read further on, taking quick glances over at Lee. I guess part of me wanted to know he was still asleep, so that he wouldn't catch me reading his thoughts. I would much rather us sit down and actually talk about everything together, but I get the feeling that this way is much better, I know everything. Not that I wouldn't of known if he told me, but at least this goes for me, I get more down, more thoughts, when I write. I can understand more. Maybe that's why I am reading on and not stopping like my conscious is telling me too.

I finally reach the faithful day that ended him in this hospital room once again. I know what Billy told me that happened to him. But I wanted the details; I wanted to know what happened for real, not from some report.

I hold the book to my chest for a moment and close my eyes; out of everything I have read in this book today, this is going to be the hardest. I lean forward and squeeze my eyes shut, unknowingly I reach out and rest my hand on top of his, and I need contact. His touch, it's the only way to get through this next part.

As I read what he wrote about what happened during the sting operation, I am shocked. I wish I were there to watch his back, and not just from the safety of the communications van either. I did not understand why he didn't want me out there in the field with him before. I do now. Am I that important to him? I hope I am, because I love this man.Still resting my hand on his I lean back into the chair and close my eyes. Mistake number one, I am so tired, I fell right to sleep.