Texas Ranger's Walker is the story of a retired lone-star lawman who solves crimes in his nursing home. In tonight's episode, Chuck Norris tries to determine who loosened the safety rails in Mrs. Witherspoon's bathroom, causing her to fall and not get up. For mature audiences only. —Feldon Wainwright

In a daring show-biz comeback, MC Hammer stars as a time-travelling rapper in e=MC Hammer². In this premiere episode, MC is transported back to Yalta, where he raps a message of peace and understanding to Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin. Can't touch this! —Sheila Montaine

From the network that gave you The Profiler and The Pretender comes The Procrastinator, a detective who stumbles on the answers he seeks through sheer dumb luck. Great entertainment for people with heart conditions. —Earl E. Toobed

"I guarantee you I will not have the answer for you by Monday! I guarantee it!" — Martin Feeney, The Procrastinator