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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 121. Johnny One day Johnny's dad sees him in the garden stomping on some bees. After a moments careful thought he says "Right Johnny, no honey for a week". A little later that day he sees Johhny catching and killing some butterflies. After a moments thought he says "Right Johnny, no butter for a week." Later that night Johnny's mom is in the kitchen preparing the evening meal when she sees a cockroach. Quickly she stomps on it and kills it. Looking up she sees Johnny and his dad in the doorway. Johnny says "Do you want to tell her or can I ?" 122. old man??! The 75 year old man went out and got a prostitute for the night. After she took a bath se lied down naked on the bed. The man came and rolled two cotton balls and sprayed perfume everywhere and took out a condom. The prostitute said "Well, I know what the condom is for, but I can't understand what the cotton balls are for and why you sprayed the perfume?" and the old man replied: "firstly I don't like women nagging and screaming, so the cotton balls are for my ears and I sprayed the perfume because I don't like the smell of burning rubber!" 123. Pet Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy," Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says," No, what?" " He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me,"replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted." Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?" , responds the patron. " Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me," replied the patron." He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!" 124. Walking A man was walking down the road one day when he came across a lady wearing a blue and a red socks. Being curious, he walked up and asked her, "Why are you wearing two different coloured socks?" The lady smiled and replied, "Cute, isn't it?" The man twitched up his pants and said, "I don't know, but I have a pair too!', revealing a blue and a red socks as well! 125. Nuns ? This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC. So he goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack. Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end of the bed. She tells him that he was brought to a catholic hospital, where they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the hospital took the liberty of going through his belongings and frankly, they were a bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation. He admits that this might be a problem. He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last few dollars on a train ticket. The nun asks, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be able to pay your hospital bills for you? He replies that his only living relative is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia. The nun becomes furious. Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are married to GOD. Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law. 126. Sex Life God told man, "I'm going to give you ten years of a normal sex life." Man said, "That's not enough. The way I feel, I need much more." God said, "If I give you something, don't complain." Man said, "But sex isn't just something." God said, "Look, I'm busy. We'll talk again." God called the King of the Beasts to him and said, "Lion, you've got twenty years of sex life." The lion said, "Ten will be enough." Man said, "Let me have the extra ten." God nodded and said, "You've got it." God gave the monkey twenty years. The monkey said that ten would be enough. Man raised his hand. God nodded and gave him the extra ten. Before the day was over, God had given man ten years the donkey didn't want and a final ten that parrots couldn't use. That may explain why men have ten normal years of sex, ten years of lion about it, ten years of monkeying around with it, ten years of being an ass about it, and ten years of talking about it! 127. Irish An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister." The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all your life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister." The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now." The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*." 128. A young woman A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing her baby when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen." The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road. "Look, I don't know what the bum said to you, "the driver told his inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down I'm going to get you a cup of tea." And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from the corner deli. "Now calm down, Lady," soothed the driver, "everything is going to be OK. See, I brought you a cup of nice, hot tea, and I even got a banana for your pet monkey!" 129. Priest A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed." The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at it! |
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