KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

191. THE CAT AND THE MILKMAN

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

192. No attention
Newt Gingrich is on an airplane, flying back to DC. The guy sitting next to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end of the flight Newt asks:

Newt: "What book is that you're reading?
Man: "It's called 'Deductive Reasoning'."
Newt: "Sounds interesting, what's it about?"
Man: "Let me give you an example."
Newt: "Okay."
Man: "Do you have a dog?"
Newt: "Yes, I do, as a matter of fact."
Man: "I would deduce from this, then, that you have a yard as well, no?" Newt: "Yes! I do have a yard."
Man: "Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard?"
Newt: "I do!"
Man: "Then I'll bet you have a family, don't you?"
Newt: "Yes, a very nice family!"
Man: "And you're a heterosexual, aren't you?"
Newt: "You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works!"

Later that week, Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later, the man sitting next to him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book, and just can't keep himself from being impolite and interrupting:

Man: "Excuse me, sir, what's that you're reading?"
Newt: "It's called, 'Deductive Reasoning'."
Man: "Oh. Then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, eh?"
Newt: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have. Let me show you how it works."
Man: "Okay."
Newt: "Do you have a dog?"
Man: "No."
Newt: "Well, then, you must be a homosexual!"

193. Three political leaders on a plane
One day, there were three political leaders on a plane. The first being President Clinton. While in the air Clinton said "We just flew over America because I touched the Empire State building"

The following leader was Prime minister John Major and he said "We just flew over over England, as I touched the Big Ben."

The last leader was the president of the Republic of South Africa, Nelson Mandela and he said "We just flew over South Africa"

The others asked "Why did you touch Table mountain."

Mandela replied "No, my watch got stolen."

194. A doomed plane
Three people were on a doomed plane, rushing rapidly towards its demise in the ocean.

A Jewish man was hurriedly taping $100 bills all over his body. The other two asked why. He responded, "Well, if they see me, they'll bring my body up first."

The Italian man was draping gold chains all over his body. When questioned, he answered, "Well if they see what I have wrapped around me, I know they'll pull me out first."

Seeing what was going on, a fat African American woman pulled down her panties and left them on the floor. "What are you doing?" they asked.

"Well, there's one thing I know," she replied. "They'll sure be looking for the black box."

195. A passeger plane is about to crash
A passenger plane is about to crash - the pilot announces there's no hope. A militant feminist stands up and says, "If I'm going to die I want to die happy."

She takes all her clothes off and shouts, "Is there any man here who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A guy stands up and takes his shirt off and says "Yeah -- iron that."

196. An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican and Texan
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

197. The President, the Pope and a hippie
Three passengers board a small airplane...the President, the Pope and a hippie. the pilot tells them the plane is in trouble, but there are only two parachutes for them, so they have to figure out who will be left without one. The President immediately grabs a parachute and bolts out the door screaming "I'm too important of a man to die!". The Pope and the hippie look at the one remaining parachute, and then at each other, and the Pope speaks. "My son, I have lived a good, long life, and I have faith that I will go to a better place. You take the last parachute, my son." The hippie giggles and hands the Pope the parachute saying "Nah, that's ok, you have this one... I'll take this one. The President just jumped out holding my knapsack."

198. Southwest Airlines
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

199. A Frenchman and an Italian
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

200. Accompanied
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

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