KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why.

PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?"

Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a virgin!"

Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?"

FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!"

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard.
"Name" says St. Peter.
"Margaret Thatcher" she replies.
Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of our illustrious leader.
"I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell. Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs.
A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says:
"Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the furnaces to reduce capacity"

10. We've got oil to spare.
9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.
8. Anybody got a tissue?
7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.
6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.
5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.
4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.
3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.
2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.
1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:

"The good news is we got them down to ten."

"The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."

This story was told to me by a family friend who is an Illinois State Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. He placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says "No thanks, I just bought some."

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger.

Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

A child, living in the inner city, goes on a school trip to see a farm. When he gets back home, he discusses the visit with his father.

``So how was your trip, son?'' says the father.

``It was really good Dad. We went round and saw all the animals. First we saw the goat, and it was really funny 'cos it had a big pointy beard; and then we saw the chickens, and they were dead good 'cos they were scratching in the ground and digging up worms; and then we saw a field full of fuckers; and then we went to see the woolly sheep...''

``Hang on a minute,'' says the father, ``what was in that last field?''

``What? The sheep?''

``No, the one before that.''

``Oh, the fuckers. Well, the teacher called them "heifers" but we knew what he meant.''

"When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike.
But then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

``Port Left Starboard Right''

A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said "I've got a headache."

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."

He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."