| 2081. Retirement home
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm eightyfive years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." 2082. Last words An 80 year old man was lying in bed dying. The doctor said he had minutes to live. His first and only wife was by his bedside to hear his last words: Honey, do you remember how when we got married, I was a cheerful, handsome, wealthy man? But soon after we were married, I lost all my money on bad investments. Nevertheless, you stayed with me the whole time. Then my first business went bankrupt, and we lost everything we had. You didn't leave me. You were right by my side the whole time. And now I've had a long sickness, which has used up all our savings. I'm a wrinkled, grouchy, old, poverty-stricken, dying man. You're still by my side! So with my dying breath, I just want to say three little words to you: "YOU'RE BAD LUCK!" 2083. To the doctor A ninety seven year old man visited his doctor for a check-up. He was about to get married to a twenty three year old girl, and a quite vivacious one at that. After finishing the examination the doctor concluded that the man was quite fit for his age but added that sex might be a dangerous thing for him to undertake. The old man pooh-poohed the notion. "If she dies, she dies," he said. 2084. A serious rash A young man discovers to his horror that he has a serious rash on his penis. He immediately goes to the doctor who tells him: Sonny, that's the worst case of jock rash I've ever seen. You'll have to use this cream on it, and it would be best if you also exposed it to sunlight for a couple of hours to be sure to kill the fungus that's growing on it. Taking the doctor's advice as gospel, the young man uses the cream, and to his delight the rash starts to clear. Following the doctor's next piece of advice, he goes to the beach. Looking around, he sees that the coast is clear and takes off his clothes. Suddenly he hears voices, but not wanting to give up the sun treatment, he quickly digs a hole and buries all of himself except his infected organ which he leaves sticking up through the sand (he breathes through a reed that he's broken off from a plant). His action is just in the nick of time. No sooner has he disappeared into his hole when two old women come walking along the beach. One of them notices the strange object sticking up through the sand. She pulls her friend over and starts to cluck at the sight: "You know Sadie, when I was young I was curious about it. In my prime I started to enjoy it. As I matured I sought after it. When I started to age I even paid for it. Now, just my luck, it's growing wild and I'm to old to bend down!!" 2085. Two eldely men
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 2086. Three knots A Old Man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?" She replies, "About three nots." He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?" She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!" 2087. A nudist colony A 75-year-old banker decided to satisfy a lifelong desire to join a nudist colony. The admission clerk welcomed him and suggested he look around before signing on. After leaving his clothes in a locker, the old man found a bench where he could discreetly admire the passing scene. Before long, a striking blonde ambled by and, noticing his appreciative stare, wordlessly knelt down and gave him the best blow job of his life. The old fellow was so thrilled that he ran back to the admission office, wrote out a cheque on the spot and received immediate membership. He quickly headed back to the bench but, before sitting down, dropped his cigar. As he bent to retrieve it, a tall, muscular fellow came up from behind and mounted him. The outraged man pulled away and hurried back to the office, demanding his money back.
"What happened?" the clerk asked. 2088. An old man You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an old man sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k!
YM: Sir, are you O.K? 2089. Birthday Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realises that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realises that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look." Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn't even iron it." 2090. Coming out of church A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." |