| 2271. The New Yorker
A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now passing over the Grand Canyon. He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine. The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed." The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen them all!" 2272. The Greatest Lies of All. 5. Of course I like your cat. 4. I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help you. 3. But Officer, I only had 3 beers! 2. The check is in the mail. And the number one best lie of all time... 1. "This is a one-time mailing. If you do not respond, you will recieve no further mailings from us." 2273 Confession A priest is hearing confessions as usual, until he hears on one side of the confessional loud stumbling noises and a crash. Quickly finishing with the woman on the other side, he turns his head and opens the sliding window. A rank, booze-laden smell slaps him across the face, and he chokes out words : "What in the name of GOD?..." A voice from the other side of the window gives off a long, slow groan. Now the booth is flooded with another, even more foul odor! "Who in the blazes is THAT?" bellows the priest, completely out of patience by now. "Oh, Father Murphy! It's Father O'Brien. Thank GOD you're there (hic). Tell me, Father, is there any paper on your side?" 2274. The Story of Moishe About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?' Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here. 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.' 2275.DUMB AND DUMBER
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get
into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience
store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an
alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied. "Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries - it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked
where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,
"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she
told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece
of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank
copies.
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped
coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something
she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I
got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU
case and sure enough - there was 40 cents.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to
type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it
and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I
asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one
that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You
mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
This guy had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided
to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't
remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back
and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a
sandwich.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to
fit your television screen." Comment from spouse: "How do they know
what size screen I have?" A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" 2276. A TRUE STORY FROM ORANGE COUNTY A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back--and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing. 2277. The Top 16 Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide 16 The last three days, all you've had to eat is s'mores. 15 Every morning greets the group with, "Wonder who'll die today?" 14 Doesn't worry about provisions, as there's bound to be a Starbucks or McDonald's every half mile or so. 13 Gets lost in the "Sherpa Shack" gift shop. 12 Makes everyone do upside down shots off the St. Bernard's collar. 11 First day's preparation devoted entirely to making snow angels. 10 Every 10 minutes, stops and yells, "RICOLA." 9 Throws a fit when her stiletto heel gets stuck in the ice. 8 Has everyone stick their tongues to a cherry popsicle "for practice." 7 Keeps repeating, "Is it me, or is it cold up here?" 6 "Map, schmap -- you see the top from here!!" 5 Two words: Golf Clubs. 4 Forgets to wear socks with his sandals. 3 Keeps using the oxygen tanks to make balloon animals. 2 Every so often, turns and screams, "Stop following me!" and the Number 1 Sign You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide... 1 Squeezes your ass then yells, "Hey, if we get stranded we can live off Tubby here for a week!" 2278. Heavenly Pursuits The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" 2279. New Sex Pill A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway." 2280. About Skiing! This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski. 10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. |