KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

While two men were fishing from a dock, one of them accidentally dropped his wallet into the water.They peered into the depths and watched as a carp swam by and scooped the wallet up to its mouth, Suddenly another carp appeared and snatched the wallet away, only to have a third grab it from him. The two fishermen looked at each other in disbelief. Joe, said one, that's the first time I've ever seen CARP-TO-CARP WALLETING.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'CARP IN TUNNEL' SYNDROME."

If you love salmon the way I do, raw (Sushi), lox (smoked), poached, grilled, barbecued, in salads, then you might be interested in how salmon spawn. As you may know, they swim upstream. In fact, before they became threatened as a species, one could go salmon fishing during the salmon runs. My dad used to do that every year and we were the happy beneficiaries of the ease with which he could catch them. Well, that vulnerability turned out to be an error in calclation on the part of the salmon. You see, once upon a time, salmon used to only swim upstream during night hours. At night, they could not be seen as well. However, one particularly observant salmon noticed that most creatures, including the fishes' greatest enemies, fisher birds, slept at night and hunted during the day. So, the Salmon Council was drawn together and this particularly observant fish presented his observations. It was decided, on the basis of this very persuasive argument, to call a vote to decide whether the salmon should rest during the day, as they always had, or rest at night. You can guess what happened. When the presiding fish asked, "When should we rest?", SALMON CHANTED, "EVENING."

This guy called me the other night and said:
'Hello... Is that 7, double 7, 7, double 7?'
and I said:
'Yes it is? - How can I help you?'
and he said:
'Can you call 999 and get some round here because my finger is stuck in 7!'

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!

15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

The Queen of England and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough, the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides. His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman who, incidentally, is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, "What am I to do?" Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that, with one nod of my head, I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep into their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this..."One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for a week? Show me."

So the Pope head butts her.

After coach Shanahan dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Shanahan a little two-room house with a faded Denver Broncos banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

Coach Shanahan looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Green Bay flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Packers banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Mike Holmgren gets a huge mansion with Packers banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at Shanahan seriously for a moment. "That's not Holmgren's house," God says "That's my house."

Last week, millions of chickens were slaughtered in Hong Kong to prevent a deadly flu epidemic. But how, you may wonder, did such a tragic event begin?

Well... it started in the home of two brothers, Hing and Ming. The young men lived on a small chicken farm in the village of Kaopoo. And one day in early December, the boys were shocked to find their chickens were violently ill. The birds began to molt - and as their feathers fell away, the chickens shook with fever and chills. Hing and Ming were greatly alarmed. What to do? The brothers both vowed that they would search night and day to find a cure.

Hing raced to the city and enrolled at the University of Hong Kong. He boned up on ornithology. He took a class in ancient Chinese herbal medicine. At last, he found the remedy: a potion extracted from gum-tree leaves.

He hurried back to the farm, gathered bushels of gum-tree leaves, brewed a vat of tea and poured it into his chickens around the clock.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all over China. He consulted Buddhist priests. He prayed at the shrines of his ancestors. And one night, he had a dream in which his ancestors appeared and revealed the cure: Feed the chickens an herbal tea made from gum-tree leaves.

Ming returned home, and he was amazed that Hing, too, had discovered the same cure! With renewed passion, the boys gathered whole cartloads of gum-tree leaves. They brewed barrels of tea. They poured them into the chickens night and day -- but alas, it was no use. The birds remained sick and bald.

One by one, the chickens died of the flu. And as word of the epidemic spread, Chinese medical authorities began slaughtering infected poultry all across Hong Kong.

THE MORAL: All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's kin couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen.

Try This Interesting Question...

Once there was a small baby monkey stranded on a small island. There was nothing on this island except dry grass and a single coconut tree with many coconuts. One hot day, the dry grass caught fire. The fire spread quickly and soon the whole island was on fire. To escape the fire the small baby monkey climbed up the coconut tree, but the wind was strong and the fire was quickly working its way towards the tree. By now the tree and the monkey was surrounded by fire. The question now is,

WHAT SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE ?????

Scroll down for the answer..... .
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C'mon guess what the answer is ??
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Come on folks.....its very simple..
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The answer is ........................

If a big monkey like you don't know the answer, How do you expect a small baby monkey to know........

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

"Squawks" are problem listings that military pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.

From the "Squawk Sheets":

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing"
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud"
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"