KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Q: Why does Clinton wear boxershorts?
A: To keep his ankles warm

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

He didn't tell her to lie.
He told her to keep a tight lip.

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to heaven, the man was talking to Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really really curious... What does Hell look like? Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."
After nearly an hour waiting in the in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven.
After returning to Heaven the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?
Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice huh? Maybe Elway's finally gonna win the Super Bowl."

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm`s privates and says, "Mommy, what`s that?" Mommy, seeing the huge penis, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that`s nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant`s penis and says, "Daddy, what`s that?" Dad replies, "Didn`t your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing."

"Well, That's true. That's nothing for your mother."

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts "open the safe!" "But this is not a real bank" the woman replies "it's a sperm bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says. "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it" "But sir, I just drank one" "Drink another one or I will shoot you" The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. "Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"

Q: Why do farts smell ?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them as well.

The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts

18. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
17. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
16. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
14. After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
13. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
12. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
11. Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10. Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9. Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8. "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7. Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5. That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4. Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, PeeWee!"
3. When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1. While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First you must wear a diaphram." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin."
Editor's note: Ouch!
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphram was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly.... Peter, Peter something or other..."

What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
- When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
- His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
- One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."