KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air,"there's that blow job I was promising you."

15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.

14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with "Testing... 1, 2, 3."

13. You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.

12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops! That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)

11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.

10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."

9. You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you had that little bladder problem.

8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes "Ace Ventura-Gate."

7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture nude from the waist down.

6. Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi dictator.

5. You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of your unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.

4. You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5 Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."

3. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.

2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house, instead of vice versa.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr...

1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy Microphones"?

1. U.S.Air: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. U.S.Air: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. U.S.Air: We may be landing on your street.
15. U.S.Air: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet overlandmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
20. U.S.Air: A real man lands where he wants to.

The Toronto board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a beer or two.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

The tobacco industry reports that it provides jobs for 2.3 million Americans--and this doesn't include physicians, x-ray technicians, nurses, hospital employees, firefighters, dry cleaners, respiratory specialists, pharmacists, morticians, and gravediggers!

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding,"But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."