| 3201. The Church Bell
About a century ago, in a small European rural town there was a chappel with wonderful sounding chimes. These very chimes had called parishoners to service for many, many years. One wintery night there was a heavy lightening storm; and, as luck would have it a bolt of lightening struck the bells. The next morning the monks saw a large crack in one of the bells. They could not afford a new bell but one of the priests said that he knew of a smith in a nearbye town. The only problem was that the smith was Jewish, but he had a good reputation for his work. They decided to let the Jewish smith repair their bell. They lowered the bell into the cart and had the ox pull the cart to the town. They introduced themselves and identified the problem. The Jewish bell maker said, "Nooo Problem! Come back in a week and I shall have your bell looking like new." A week had passed, the priests returned and were shown their bell. It was beautiful! It looked as good as new. The priests paid the man, put the bell back onto the cart, took it to the church and with some help they hoisted the bell to the top of the tower. It now joined the other bell that was still there. The priests waited until Sunday to ring the repaired bell. Early in the morning, it was time to summon the parishoners to prayers so one of the priest took up the rope to the bells and began ringing the bells. It was a beautiful morning and slightly cool in the air and throughout the country side rang the beautiful sound of the bells...GOyemmmmmmmm, Goyemmmmmm, Goyemmmmm. 3202. Scholar A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancee. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks "So? How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God." 3203. Modern Times A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs.Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) " 3204. Surf Fishing This is the story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day and went surf fishing in the afternoon. As much as he loved surf fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10 yards to save his life. Nothing he tried worked. One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short throws, he came to the end of the line and vowed to give up surf fishing. However, in the midst of his despair, he saw a vision on the, by now, deserted beach. Out of the Gulf depths and through the surf came an old woman carrying a load of heavy surf tackle directly toward him. She spoke to him in a rough yet kind voice, saying, "I have watched you for weeks now, and I am here to help. Let me teach you my way, and you will never again leave this beach frustrated." He was stunned by this strange situation, but he agreed. The old woman stayed with him until moonrise, teaching him her techniques. At the end of the lesson, she wished him luck and returned to the sea through the surf, never to be seen again. The man decided to try his new skills out at first light on the next morning. When he woke, he gathered his gear and went to his gas station. Instead of opening for business, he hung a sign on the door which read: "THIS STATION IS CONDUCTING A TEST OF THE EMERGING SEA-BROAD CASTING SYSTEM." 3205. Not Thinking... When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..." When I used to be a radio newsperson I once asked the police during my call to them if they ever thought of having an arrest for DWS ? What the hell is that? He asked me....Driving While Stupid True story..... 3206. Laws of Ownership 1. If I like it, it's mine 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine 9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine 10. If I...........................! ooops, sorry! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan. 3207. The Top 16 Signs You're at a Bad Figure Skating Competition 16. Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads. 15. "Would the holder of lucky ticket 2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!" 14. The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff. 13. The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver. 12. Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater. 11. Judges not impressed by your "Oh, Calcutta" routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air. 10. "And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!" 9. First time you've seen points awarded for a "Triple Klutz" and a "Triple Putz." 8. The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko. 7. The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest. 6. During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards. 5. Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up. 4. Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky. 3. More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament. 2. Brian Boitano's new program interprets history of male pattern baldness. and the Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Figure Skating Competition... 1. Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas. 3208. Theology and College Theatre Productions A college drama group presented a play during which one character stands on a trapdoor and announces, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!", the stagehand pulled the rope and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!!!" 3209. The Decision There was once a marauding giant hedgehog named Norman. Not many people were aware that he didn't work alone; much of the time he was accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't realize it myself, until I spent a vacation in the Islands. Unfortunately, I happened to pick a time when both of them were terrorizing the countryside. One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and maybe ride the waves, when I noticed a palm tree at the shore which had been almost completely devoured, as if by some giant creature. I asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by the Norman the hedgehog or by Celeste the shark, and he asked me why I cared. My response was, "IF NORMAN ATE IT, I WILL NOT RUN; IF CELESTE DID, I WILL NOT SURF". 3210. Arthur Hickinbottom Arthur Hickinbottom, never having been south of Barnsley (or north east or west of it for that matter) except for the trip to and from football grounds, found himself one day all alone in London having missed the coach. Naturally he decided to have a look around Soho. He was amazed that all the prostitutes have the same surname. The French family must be very large! Picking one at random has asked about prices. "Fifty quid? Bloody 'ell missus, I want to screw yer - not marry yer! I'm not paying for a wedding tha' knows!" "Well, how much have you got then?" "A fiver." "You must have something else of value." "Well, this watch cost us a fiver off a bloke at the market and these pumps were fifteen quid." Business was slack. She was amused. She agreed to accommodate him for five pounds, his watch and his footwear. Pounding away, our Arthur felt that he was not getting his money's worth. She lay there immobile, smoking a cigarette and watching Cilla Black on the TV over his shoulder. He tried everything, but could obtain no reaction. He even tried the Huddersfield shuffle, the Halifax handful and the Bingley Bargee's long thrust. No reaction at all. In desperation, and at great risk to his safety, he performed a perfect Cleckheaton double. Instantly she was transformed. Her arms and legs shot around him, her limbs clasping and unclasping frantically, her face red, her eyes bulging and her breath coming in short gasps. "I knew the Cleckheaton double'd get yer!" he claimed. "Bugger the Cleckheaton double," she replied. "I'm trying on your pumps." |