KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a parent.

Mr. Wojohowitz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.

Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face.

"Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said.

Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, WHY DO YOU DO IT!"

1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
7. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

These three guys managed to get to the top of the Empire State Building to show off the length of their manhoods.

The first one opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeeew. 20 stories. "Top that" he said.

The second opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeew. 25 stories "Top that" he said.

The last guy opened his fly and let his out. Wheeeeeeeeeeeew. Down it went. Suddenly, he started to shift from side to side in jerky movements.

"What happened? Crabs got you?" one asked?

"No; I'm dodging traffic!" he replied.

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (i.e. elevator doors)

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an elderly old lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Son, go get your mother".

***Please read with an Italian accent***

(I understand that it is customary for the bride and groom to consummate their vows during the reception.)

About halfway through the reception, the brides mother went to her daughter and said, "Go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah happy, eh?" The bride did as she was told, and upon finding her new husband, she took him upstairs above the celebrating crowd's watchful eye.

He knew what was to take place, wasting no time, he took his tuxedo jacket, dress shirt and t-shirt off. She noticed that he had a hairy chest! Aghast, she quickly ran downstairs, found her mother and told her "Momma, he's got ah hairy chest!" Her mother, in hopes to calm her down, said "Go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah happy, eh?"

She went back upstairs. He then took off his pants and she noticed that his legs were hairy too! She was quite old fashioned and didn't know what to think, so she ran downstairs yet again to find her mother. She found her, pulled her aside and said, "Momma, Momma Mia - he's got ah hairy legs too, what am I ah going to do, eh?" Her mother trying to soothe her again, said "Now go upstairs child and make ah your husband ah happy, eh? Now go upstairs child!"

She went back to the room, when she entered, he took his shoes off, then his socks. When she looked down, she noticed that one of his feet was half gone! She ran downstairs, frightened and found Momma once again - "Momma, he's got ah foot and ah half!" But this time, the mother thought and said "Child, you stay downstairs and ah let your Momma go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah happy!"

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

An Eskimo decides to go ice fishing one day. He makes a lunch, grabs his fishing pole, jumps on his snowmobile and heads off across the ice. He travels quite a ways when suddenly his snowmobile stops running. He gets off, looks at the snowmobile knowing he's not a mechanic and won't be able to fix it, so he decides to eat his lunch while he waits for someone to come along to help him.

Sure enough, along comes another Eskimo on a snowmobile. The second Eskimo stops, gets off his snowmobile, looks at the disabled snowmobile and looks at the first Eskimo and asks, "So, did you blow a seal?" "No", says the first Eskimo, wiping the corners of his mouth, "that's mayonnaise from my sandwich!"

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!