In Memory of Our Angel in Heaven

I'll never forget that day. I just about passed out when I realized what was going on. I remember holding on to the side of the sink in the bathroom and just staring. The next thing I remember is talking to my mom on the phone, "I'm pregnant!" I told her. What a road we would go down after speaking those words.
Omar and I had been married just about five years I think it was. Jordan was our only child but wasn't Omar's natural son. We just figured we wouldn't be having any more children due to female issues I was having. But we were wrong. I found out I was pregnant August 2003. We were so thrilled! I was terrified, but happy. After 14 years, I was going to have another child!

October 21st is when we found out the horrible news. In the car on the way to our OBGyn Appt.  I was writing another entry into my baby journal. I was going to read the journal to the baby someday. I was telling it that this was our first ultra sound and that I was so excited. That was the last time I ever wrote in that journal.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but there is something wrong with your baby." The ultra sound tech told us and I just remember crying and crying. I don't remember if he told us just what it was or if it was told to us by our doctor. But the awful truth was that our tiny little person had what was called Anencephaly. He was missing the front and top part of his skull and his brain was outside the head in the amniotic fluid. If you know anything about this horrible disease, it's almost always fatal. He was also diagnosed with Spina Bifida.
We were devastated. I don't remember much after that, but I do remember just sobbing. I remember coming out of the room and going into the waiting room to leave. Everyone looked up at us, and I just wanted to tell them all what was wrong. Both Omar and I were tear streaked and silent. It was like a bad dream that you can't wait to wake up from. Because then you can breath a sigh of relief that it WAS a dream. But this was oh too real.
We went to my moms house where my son Jordan was waiting and we broke the news to him. I don't think he fully understood what was going on. My mother wasn't there at the time and we had to sit there in silence and wait for her to come back so I could tell her. We all just cried and cried.

We decide to get another opinion but the outcome was the same. The best thing we could do was to terminate the baby due to some medical problems that I had, it would be best for my health. Let me just tell you that it was the hardest decision to make that I've ever made in my entire life. Now, looking back, I wish we had delivered this baby. I miss him terrible and wish I had gotten to at least see and name him/her. I'll never know if it was a girl or a boy so I cannot name him. I wish I had gotten to bury him and tell him goodbye and how much we loved him. But we decided to send him back to Heaven to be with God.
We'll never forget you, baby Herbon. We love you just the same, and just as much as if you had been with us forever. We will see you in Heaven!

Since this terrible tragedy we have gone on to have another healthy and oh so happy baby boy! His name is Jaren and you can see all of our photos here. Another good thing that came out of this bad thing was that my husband and I are now closer than ever. We were having troubles when I found out I was pregnant and I think this brought us to where we needed to be in our marriage. It definitely made us both stronger.

If you are in the same situation right now and would like to speak to someone who has gone through it and someone who will not judge you for your decisions, please feel free to email me.

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