"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
I had memorized Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) as a youth, but I had no idea how it would apply to me. Actually, I didn't even know what the verse meant. It was just a "good" verse to remember because everyone else knew it and I'm sure I got something in return for memorizing it: a sticker, a bookmark, etc. Now, I can thank God for showing me what it means, through life experience!
Second year at the University of Waterloo. Looking back, I can say that it seemed more stable than first year, but it was just as much work in terms of academics, if not more. Adjusting to university life, especially when you're away from home, took a year for me. I learned from the mistakes I made as a frosh. I learned that cramming doesn't work as well as it did in high school, that sleep is essential if you want to put effort into studying in the afternoons (instead of napping to make up for the time lost at night) and also to be able to wake up for church and not fall asleep during sermons, that skipping class really doesn't do you any good--unless you know what you are doing, and that your own cooking is three times as good as campus food--even if you don't know how to cook!
Fall 1999: a term of confusion, and decisions. The fall term began as a fresh, new start. I settled into an apartment, which I shared with a fellow CCFer and began the habit of studying in the DC, then DP--the quiet, non-CCF library. I'm glad that I didn't have resnet; I only had limited hours and a slow connection speed. Yet, the computer and my inviting bed always tempted me, so that is why I relocated. Thank God that my place is so much closer (and warmer because most of the journey is indoors) than if I had to walk from residence. Despite my efforts to retain and understand what the professors tried to 'teach' me, I was still in a big mess, especially with organic chemistry. Oh boy. "Oh boy", is the very least of it--just ask other people who have taken it. Either you naturally get it, or you don't. Nothing in-between. It was then that I truly questionned where I was going next.
My housemate constantly heard me sighing I'm sure, constantly wondering whether I was in the right program. I started doubting myself, and tried to obtain people's opinions around me. Some confidentally told me that I was at UW for one reason: to become an optometrist. If God opened that door for me in high school, then I should keep aiming for my goal. My good friend also encouraged me to stay in the program so that we could aim for our dreams together. I really admire her. She doesn't give up, even though she may not be excelling in her courses either. She also has a plan B that is related to her field of study, but she continues to work hard to reach for plan A.
Towards the end of the term, I was pulled into two directions. I started thinking of a possible future in English (yipes, the faculty of arts! =\). But with a pursuit in arts, my parents had previously told me that I would have to go to SFU instead, which I didn't want. I decided to wait for my marks to see whether I was able to pull up my science GPA. Admist this, I was praying. Harder than ever.
Winter 2000: This is where Proverbs 3:5-6 comes in. At Waterloo, the school term begins before marks are released from the previous term. I was still registered in the pre-optometry program and began another term with my science courses, and urgh, organic chemistry. Two weeks in, I decided to back out of that course and decided to take an arts course for fun (I barely passed the first organic chemistry, and I wasn't about to fail another course). I think I was only taking 3 sciences like the previous term.
After bouncing the idea of going into RPW off my parents, they didn't persist on insisting me to transfer to SFU. I was pleasantly surprised. One day, I decided to see the arts advisor to ask for er, advice? Actually, I don't even remember how I ended up in his office. At that point, I think I (had already?) found out that my previous term marks weren't all that great in the sciences. However, I did quite well in the 2 arts courses I took ('A' range). He told me that if I was to switch into English, I would be able to do so without any problems, and best of all, every credit to date will be able to be transferred (normally students start off with a clean slate), so I would be going into arts as a third-year student with a high average in arts. On top of that, I had already met the requirements and pre-requisites in getting into my program without having to take extra time to make-up for any missing credits. Throughout the first and part of my second year, I had taken arts courses merely as electives, some of which were "recommended" as part of the pre-optometry program; others were merely taken out of interest sake. Additionally, in the faculty of arts, one is must fulfill two groups of requirements on top of your program requirements; upon the completion of the winter term, I would have already fulfilled more than half!
I decided to change all my courses (except human physiology) to art courses. Funny that I decided to see the advisor on that particular day, for it was the last day to make changes--I wasn't even aware of that! The science advisor finalized it by signing the form. I decided to forget about studying for the OAT (the optometry admission test) and just write it (because it was unrefundable). Turns out, I achieved average in my overall sciences and a little less for overall average. Oh well, I didn't study for it. I viewed my winter term as a term of transition. If I did very well in my one science course and only fair in my arts courses, then I would reconsider continuing my pursuit in the sciences.
Throughout the term, I was constantly praying and seeking answers. Yet, even then, what happened on the day when I saw the advisor was more than a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences or luck for that matter. Additional to prayer, I needed to do my part in doing my best and trying my hardest, which meant I needed to keep up with my courses = studying. Before I knew it, midterms came around yet, the results didn't discourage me. Instead, I kept working to improve with the hopes that I would pull up my GPA by the end of the term, and that I would exit the my current program with dignity (ie. taken off of conditional standing). The final part of the term came and went. Final examinations were written, and I impatiently waited in anticipation for the results to see how well (or poorly as usual) I did. I had to wait for 1 month! Such a slow system; at UBC/SFU, students can find out their marks almost right away through telereg (or something similar to that using a touch-tone phone).
Alas, my marks came back after everyone else got theirs! I was very happy to see that the human physiology course was my best science course thus far, but compared with the rest of my arts courses, it was still the worst of them all. Maybe my strength has been in arts all along? The marks are encouraging to say the least. I am off conditional standing and I could continue with pre-optometry.
Another incident caused me to discredit concidences and luck, and to thank God instead. When I tried to pre-register in for the pre-optometry program (as the acceptance decision was not made yet) for the fall term, the same advisor would not allow me to register for all arts courses and 1 science. First, she looked at my pre-registration form and asked why I wanted to take so many arts courses, and I said that I was planning to switch into arts. She looked at me in disbelief and asked, "Are you still in good standing?" Probably thinking that I wasn't, I replied, "Yes." She was shocked. Her face told it all. I could picture her thinking, "What's that crazy girl doing? She's in good standing, and yet she's switching from such a prestigous program into the faculty of arts? The faculty where 'everyone' looks down upon?" But afterall that, she told me that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to take all arts, and 1 science because 2 sciences are mandatory to remain in the program. I was very surprised, because I suddenly realized that she made a mistake when she signed my course changes form at the beginning of the term for I only had 1 science. I was disappointed, but I filled out a 'dummy' form with all sciences (she even made me take a lab with a course, but my friend didn't have to when she registered). I think the advisors there are a l'il mixed-up.
About making this path straight. Well, it's not like I know for certain where God is leading me. However, at this point, I've been accepted into RPW at UW, and the past circumstances, including my marks, seem to have paved a direction for me. I do know that if I continue to trust Him, in hindsight, I will definitely see the how the 'path' became 'straight.' I cannot tell you that this choice to pursue a degree in English is the path that I will continue to follow. However, I trust that with each closed door, there is an open one with a window of opportunity inside.
Where am I in life? Here I am. The mid-point of existence--uncertain, unknowing, and wavering in my thoughts of life. Is this what university does to a person? Yes indeed, I am a student. ‘Frosh’ as they term it here in Ontario --one that is fresh to university life. The exhilaration of it all: the freedom of living apart from parental guidance, the friends you make, the fun you have (and the not-so-fun aspect: studying and exams) . . . eight months goes by just so quickly! And yet towards the end of my first year, an unsettling aurora hangs in mid-air. Why?
I wish I could proudly stand up and say that my life is as smooth as a sailboat sailing in the summer breeze. Without trials and challenges in my life however, I would be less dependent on God and more dependent on myself. Questions range from academics to petty issues in my life. On many occasions, God in His provision has answered my prayer requests. Relatively speaking however, they seem minor compared to the issues that I am currently facing. Especially knowing what God’s will is for my life.
I have asked this question before in my last year in high school, as I was uncertain whether I had the marks to get into Pre-Optometry at the University of Waterloo. You see, I had wanted to get into Optometry ever since I had my eye vision first checked in Grade 9 but I was not sure whether God wanted me to be there or not. At one point in Grade 12, I almost decided to quit, giving up on Physics 12, but by a miracle of God, I pulled through and the provincial examination marks surprised me. I did not think I had done well at all (as with my Chemistry 12 examination as well). Thus, I was accepted into Pre-Optometry. At that time, I felt that since I was in Pre-Optometry, then becoming an optometrist was also God’s will! I was also determined to prove the pastor in Waterloo wrong as he had confidently said that I would never get into Optometry many years back.
Now, I look back at my wrong assumptions. I do think I misled myself. What was God’s purpose originally for me? Did He place me in a new environment away from home, so that I can learn to be dependent only on Him? Because I seem to have refocused my priorities, my academic marks do not seem as important to me, yet I know they are the most important if I want to remain in my program. If I continue with the grades I have (to the point where I am unsure whether I pass or fail my genetics course), I will be removed from my program, by the university. It seems that I fare better in the faculty of Arts, as Psychology and English keep me interested and my marks seem to be higher in those areas. Yet, school seems secondary to me now that I have so many opportunities to tell others of Christ. I keep asking God: if Optometry really is not for me, then what is?
The future still lies ever so murky, but the haze of fog slowly lifts as each closed door from God leads to a new opportunity. However, fear stands in the way. Fear of failure and disappointment (not that I have not been disappointed many times already), fear of what will happen to me. Sometimes, passive thoughts of death run through my head: ‘Wish a car would run me over, then I would not have to face tomorrow,’ but I know that thinking those thoughts do not get me anywhere. Maybe just more depressed. During those times, verses such as John 14:1 or Matthew 6:25-34, do not help me refrain from wondering, or being depressed over my situation.
I should be rejoicing that I will be home in less than a week but ironically, I do not want to go back anymore. After settling in Waterloo, I have grown accustomed to the freedom I have. From past experience, once I return home, I will again be under ‘house arrest’ (meaning bare minimum freedom) and choices, such as attending which church I want to serve at, will be taken away from me. Not only so, I will not be seeing some of my friends for awhile. Many are graduating this term, my cell group leader is graduating from his master’s program after the summer term is over, and my friend (also in my cell group) may not be here until her graduating term (Winter 2000) due to her co-op program. All these people that touched my lives, I’ll be leaving behind. The ones I felt were encouraging role models in many different ways, the ones that shared the vision of the campus fellowship and studied various biblical truths with me, and the very same ones that accepted me for who I am even though I was merely a frosh. Now with all this, how can I leave Waterloo permanently before my studies are over? That is what my parents are strongly suggesting I do if I do not remain in my current program as it is less costly to study in British Columbia. Which means, the pressure on my academic marks is doubled: to stay in program and to be able to stay at the University Waterloo.
Powerless. A feeling that arises when I cannot take control of the situation I am in; the only way to rid it is to leave everything up to God. Sometimes, I do wonder if the reason I struggle so much is because the freedom I have is destroying me. I lack discipline, motivation and because of this, I tend to enjoy procrastinating in the sin of laziness. God knows this as much as I do; yet I have such a hard time concentrating on my schoolwork. When it comes to being powerless of what is happening around me in regards to the Chinese Christian Fellowship (CCF) I am somewhat involved in, I feel even more helpless and hopeless. With conflicts in CCF that I cannot clearly discern as being spiritual at this time or not, I am easily frustrated and drained because no one is doing anything about the problems. It seems to be that what they say is merely all words, no actions. Training seems to be an area CCF seems to lack, and according to Campus Crusade for Christ, prayer, evangelism, and training (PET) are three of the most important elements a Christian ministry should have. I have been asked to join committee but I have declined many times, the ‘feeling’ like I am supposed to is just not there. Campus Crusade for Christ would rebut that feelings and emotions will waver and one cannot be dependent on them. Sometimes I wonder though, was that a wrong decision? I justify myself by saying my marks are not steady nor stable, my parents are against the idea, and definitely I do not see myself as qualified to serve as there are so many more mature and older people that are most likely more experienced. If these seem like feeble excuses even to me, what about to God?
These, amongst many other things in my life trouble me. Do not get me wrong, ironically, I am generally content with life. There is not almost a single day where I do not forget to thank the Lord for the sunshine He has provided (as compared to Vancouver), nor the freedom and experiences that I get to enjoy while I am here. No, I do not take life as a student for granted. However, the question that still concerns me the most is ‘What is God’s will for me, for my life?’ It seems to be an endless search for the answer to that question but I trust that someday in due time, God will reveal the answer to me just as long as I keep trusting Him. Where are you, Lord?
‘Here I am.’ (Winter 1999)